


the moon’s never seen me before, but I’m reflecting light

by Marsali



Series: Like Starbursts So Bright [2]
Category: Mass Effect, Mass Effect: Andromeda
Genre: Alec Ryder's A+ Parenting, Coma, E-mail, F/M, Fluff, Humor, Illness, Kissing, M/M, Masturbation, Trauma, Xenophilia, angaran bioelectricity, baby krogan, i didn't think this was gonna be this long, jaal has stubby thumbs, jaal is helpful, more fairy tales, references to sleep paralysis, sara is angry, scott is sorry, smol amount of angst, there is a role for everyone, this is a fact google it
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-04-25
Updated: 2017-05-07
Packaged: 2018-10-23 20:39:13
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 48,667
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10726794
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Marsali/pseuds/Marsali
Summary: After waking up from her coma (that had felt more like being buried alive than gentle slumber) Sara is up and angry. With Scott not having visited, she has to grapple with a feeling of constant betrayal. With her body so weak, the feeling of uselessness prevails. But with all darkness there comes light and Sara can’t help but react with wide-eyed fascination that has her on her figurative knees when it comes to the simple goodness that is Jaal.





	1. Chapter 1

Could somebody fucking dial down the fucking lights?

Sara’s eyes were swimming with tears because apparently they had decided that light was the most evil thing in the world and they needed to cry about it. They _burned_.

But then again everything did.

Her lungs burned as if she hadn’t been gently breathing all this time. As if all this was much too exhausting, suddenly.

Her arms burned with the effort of holding her body up where she had propped them on the bed, but Sara would rather have died than lain down so soon after she had managed the unthinkable and somehow woken herself up. If she had it her way she would sleep sitting or standing for the foreseeable future.

Her cheeks burned because she was smiling. Through the great gulps of air she drew in between her lips, through the tears, the heartache, and the hurt, she smiled.

She was up. She was awake. Harry kept asking her questions but she couldn’t answer, because this was more important.

Sara rubbed the moisture from her eyes and stared at her hands as she hunched further over so that her legs could support her weight. This was real. These shaking digits, all ten of them, belonged to her. She brought one hand up to let it rest on her chest where her heart was hammering and her lungs were heaving. She could _feel_ it. She could do it. This was her lifting her arm and putting it wherever the hell she wanted to. She raised two fingers and touched them to her throat, to feel the blood pulsing fast, fast, fast against it. She was alive. She had known that, of course.

But she hadn’t _known_.

There had been no physical evidence of it. No matter how much she raged, cried, or panicked in her mind her body had not responded. No matter how much she screamed nobody could hear her. Were you even alive when you could neither convince your body nor anyone else that you were? Sara had felt like an unvoiced concept. Unreal.

But now here she was. Sitting, no longer smiling but doubling over, and crying, making sounds that even to her own ears didn’t sound human. She’d been wrong in assuming her throat would be unable to form the wails she had produced in her head.

It sounded terrifying. It made her heart squeeze, an automatic response, sending her into another loop and then another, crying because it hurt and crying because it hurt to hear.

The chattering around her had steadily increased and still seemed to keep doubling in volume. What she was doing was probably worrying them. She understood that. Fuck, she was starting to get worried herself. But somehow, now fully awake, limbs, and head, and all, the relief she felt was just as big as the hurt, the frustration, the anger, the bitterness. Like a dam had been broken it all poured out of her. All the months she had spent unable to purge herself of all the fucking things she'd felt, they now took their chance, lest she’d be locked in her body again and they wouldn’t be able to.

It all had to go. Now. She had to flush all these feelings out. Her body had reached its limit.

“Sara? Sara, can you hear me?” Harry asked.

_Yeah, I can fucking hear you, but …_

No, wait. She didn’t have to think it anymore. She could say it. She could use her lips, and tongue, and larynx and whatnot to talk – but how, when these horrible noises kept pouring out of her? She couldn’t stop them, even though she actually started wanting to. But it was as if the basest part of her, where the little clawed monster and all her dreams and nightmares lived, had taken over and decided that all the feelings stored there needed to be heard first. Whatever else Sara wanted to communicate could wait. And it wasn’t as if it didn’t work. Harry and all the people around definitely knew something was wrong with her, so communication hadn’t actually broken down but still continued. They just had to listen some more before it was their turn.

“Damn, where is Scott? You told me you notified him?” Harry barked, so unlike the man she knew. Seemed like she was really starting to get to him.

“Yes, we did it immediately. He was in a meeting with Director Tann and the others. Maybe he couldn’t get away” a female voice answered nearby. She sounded a lot less shaken than Harry. The woman had to have nerves of steel.

“I wouldn’t care if he had been meeting with royalty. This is more important. Contact him again, tell him she’s in a bad way.”

How funny would that be? With Sara finally awake now, one would think that Scott would find her interesting enough to come see her. Especially, since she was keening like a banshee and probably seemed insane to everyone here. Maybe she had cracked. Maybe the process of waking up, the strain behind it, had made the hair fractures in her mind deepen and she had finally lost it. How funny would _that_ be? Funny in the most unfunny way.

Just as she felt some new sort of hysteria rising in her chest, a hush fell over the blabbing people around her after the swish of a door opening could be heard.

“Sara? Are you hurt? Sara?”

She shouldn’t have missed hearing his voice. She should have told him to go the fuck away, that it was him that hurt her most of all, that he had no right being here.

Instead, weak, she stretched out an arm towards him. Towards her brother whom she loved like the suns and stars combined and whom she needed more than anything right now.

Within a second, her unvoiced wish was granted and there he was. Scott, her wayward brother, who still knew just how to hug her. He wasn’t the tallest or broadest of humans, but Sara was tiny and it was enough. He hugged her tight, breathed warmly, wetly into her hair and slightly rocked her, while she dug her nails into his shirt and hid her face in his bicep.

“Shh, it’s alright. It’s alright, Sara. I’ve got you. Calm down, calm down.” On and on he went whispering to her, words sounding different but all holding the same meaning.

You’re safe.

_You’re safe._

 

* * *

 

The glaring point of Harry’s flashlight was tiny but just as blinding as the first glimpse of light she’d gotten when she had woken up.

She blinked rapidly after having followed it with her eyes for what seemed to her an obnoxious amount of times and then batted it away.

“Put it down, Harry. I can see. I’m not damaged. You’ve checked three times now,” Sara croaked irritably, throat still raw from disuse and crying.

After Scott had somehow managed to get her to shut up (and what had that even been?) the folks around them, mostly made up of freshly woken cryo people, had dispersed and Harry had started checking her over, clearly afraid that something had gone terribly awry without him knowing.

Not that he was wrong about that but Sara wasn’t sure she wanted to tell him just how wrong he had been about her coma situation. At least, she wouldn’t tell him while Scott was present. Or was it Scott she didn’t want to tell with an audience? Sara was pretty damn sure she wouldn’t be able to keep her emotions in check while doing it.

She felt fragile all over.

“Well, you’ll forgive me if I want to be absolutely sure. Your wake up was …”

“Traumatizing?” Sara supplied wryly. “I didn’t like it much, either.”

Harry shared a look with Scott and Scott’s shoulders fell a little but at the same time, his whole body seemed to tense. Sara could feel it, because she had her leg pressed firmly against his thigh, unable to live without human contact right now. She hadn’t even known how fucking touch-starved she was, but she could see now that it was definitely going to be a problem from here on out.

“What?” she asked them. “Don’t keep secrets, I want to know.”

Harry hesitated until Scott nodded, which made a spike of irritation shoot through her. Since when did Harry need her brother’s permission for anything? She wasn’t his kid or anything. He should have no authority over what details about her body she would get to hear.

“I’m worried that maybe the conversation the two of you had through the SAM implant may have done more damage than we previously thought.”

“With your permission, Sara Ryder, I would like to run diagnostics,” SAM’s voice popped up and Sara stiffened a little, before settling down again.

“You don’t need to do that, SAM. It wasn’t that. The conversation or the connection or whatever. I was upset, yeah. But that’s not why I …” she trailed off, unsure what to call the episode she’d experienced.

“Broke down?” Harry finished for her. “Sara, you screamed and cried for over ten minutes.” He rubbed a hand over his face, which looked tired and worn, as if her fit had cost him years of his life.

Sara felt her face heat and averted her gaze from him to look at her brother, whose eyes had bugged out. His previously crossed arms fell limply to his sides. “Over ten minutes? I came as soon as I heard, but … ten minutes?” he repeated weakly.

Sara pressed her eyelids together hard for a second before slightly shaking her head. “I’m ... It was nothing. I mean, it wasn’t nothing, it was obviously something, but …”

“Nothing?” Scott asked incredulously, interrupting her. “It wasn’t nothing. Have you got any idea how you sounded? I only heard the end of it but it was horrible. It hurt _me_ and I wasn’t the one doing it,” he told her, face turning into something of a grimace.

“Yeah, you weren’t the one doing it, so you don’t know why, either. You have no idea what I went through, with you never coming by, so kindly shut up about what you don’t understand,” Sara snapped, having had enough already and yanking her leg away from his, suddenly unable to stand the touch she had craved only seconds before.

“Mood swings could indicate some sort of trauma,” Harry mused out loud and Sara rolled her eyes.

Yeah, he got that right.

Scott, for his part, looked dumbfounded. “How do you know I never came by?”

Sara felt some sort of dark satisfaction settling in her queasy belly and had to press her lips together to keep them from smiling. “Didn’t think you’d be caught out on that, did you?”

Before he could answer her, a bit of a vacant look washed over Scott’s face and he fixed his eyes on the wall above Sara’s head. After a moment he nodded and said “Will do.”

Sara lifted a brow. He sighed.

“It’s the salarian Pathfinder, Hayjer. He wants to talk strategy. But it can wait for a bit. You’re probably wondering how things have been going. Want me to catch you up?” He grinned a small, crooked smile at her. He probably liked having the opportunity to brag about his exploits and adventures, apparently hoping that she would let the matter of his visits, or the lack of them, drop.

_Well, you’re shit out of luck, Scotty._

Sara snorted, which made him frown and drop his smile instantly. With a pang in her gut she almost felt bad, but she couldn’t quite muster the strength necessary to spare his feelings.

“Not really. You go to that meeting and be important. We’ll talk later. I’ll see about convincing Harry to let me stay in Dad’s quarters. I have enough of the medbay.”

Scott frowned and hesitated.

“Go already. We’ll talk later. Come to Dad’s place once you’re done. I’ll be there.”

Her vehement tone made him take a tentative step backwards, before he waved a weird little wave at her (was he nervous?) and haltingly made his way out of the medbay. She watched him go and the farther he went the more he straightened up and the more decisive his gait became. It was impressive to see but also made bile rise in her throat. She was taking away his confidence with her presence or her words. The bigger the distance between them became, the more self-assured he seemed. Perhaps he had been right to stay away if a few snide words from her could change the way he held himself that much.

“I hope you know that there is no way I’ll let you out of here just yet,” Harry said beside her, watching Scott go as well.

“Harry …”

“You need rest,” he told her vehemently, crossing his arms and shooting her a determined look.

Sara sighed. “Look, I don’t know how to tell you this. But I’m sick of this place. Of these people. I’ve been here for months listening to their boring chatter and I can’t take it anymore. I need a break.”

Harry instantly turned his body towards her, aghast expression on his face. “What do you mean 'listening'?”

She swallowed drily. “I was awake. Most of the time, anyway.”

Harry slowly opened his mouth but no sound came out.

“Just a few hours, Harry. That’s all I ask. Then I’ll come back.” She was so, so tired of it all. These walls around her felt so restrictive still. Waking up hadn’t made that feeling go away. She wished it had, because she knew she was still weak, probably needed physio, and would have to stay here for a while yet. But she needed to get away for a bit. Just a bit. That would be enough.

Harry’s mouth set into a grim line and he dragged his hand slowly over his face, sighing. “First, tell me everything. Then, we’ll see.”

So, Sara did. 

 

* * *

 

It had taken an inordinate amount of time for Harry to be done questioning her, but now it was over. She’d poured all of it out, had done her best to describe what she went through and Harry, in the end, had taken pity on her.

Now, she had been waiting for about half an hour for Scott and she didn’t anticipate that her waiting would end very soon. Scott was talking strategy, though about what she had no idea, and she didn’t actually begrudge him the time he spent doing that. It was good that he and the others invested some time in this and didn’t jump the gun. A well thought out plan could be the thing that stood between them all and Exaltation.

The way Jaal had described it, it seemed like a fate worse than death, but she hesitated calling it worse than what she’d lived through. Although, thinking about it, once a person was exalted, they could still move and talk, but they weren’t themselves anymore. Sara hadn’t been able to commandeer her body but she had still been Sara Ryder. Was there freedom in not being yourself? Was there confinement in moving? Sara didn’t know but also felt unqualified to judge.

She’d been busying herself with feeling exhausted, which was something that had turned out to be quite time consuming. With Harry’s help she had been able to make it the distance to her Dad’s quarters. He had insisted on driving her there in a wheelchair and she only hadn’t protested because the contraption had been the thing giving her a bit of freedom away from the medbay. He had wrangled out the repeated promise from her to call him if something happened and had tasked SAM with watching over her and pulling rank if she turned out to be too stubborn to ask for help.

Once in her Dad’s quarters she had almost immediately spotted the coffee maker and had felt joyful tears prick at her eyes. God, but she hoped she would stop feeling so weepy. If this was permanent she would be nothing but an embarrassment to the Ryder name. She’d never been ashamed of crying exactly, but … it was coffee. Sure, she loved the stuff, but to actually start crying at the prospect of drinking some was taking things a bit far.

“Sara Ryder,” SAM said like it was a statement but she could hear some hesitation in his voice.

She sighed, taking a gulp of coffee and slowly settling down on one of the leather chairs.

“Better get this over with, SAM.”

“I was not aware of your status. After our connection was severed, both Harry and I thought it best not to try and establish another. Your mind needed time to heal and we were trying to give you that time.”

“But the connection woke me up somehow. Halfway. In my mind, at least. I can’t really remember anything about my coma before Scott and I talked through you, so that must have played some role,” Sara said, a little mollified by the fact that SAM had honestly had no idea. “I suppose checking without risking causing further damage wasn’t possible?”

“Negative. We decided you should be left alone.”

She snorted. “Apt.”

SAM paused. “I did not anticipate the double meaning of my statement. I would like to retract it.”

“Doesn’t work that way,” Sara whispered, but then shook herself and decided to get a grip. The day she made an AI feel bad was a day where she’d obviously overshot the mark.

“It’s o…, I mean, I understand, SAM. It wasn’t done with malintent on your part.” She’d almost said that it was okay, but ultimately couldn’t bring herself to. She lied sometimes about her feelings, as all humans did. She wouldn’t, couldn’t, lie about this.

“It is a fact that I did not act with the intent of hurting you. It has been brought to my understanding, however, that this does not make what happened easier.”

“That’s true. But it still helps to know. It would all hurt worse if you had actually gone rogue or something and decided that hurting me would benefit you somehow.” Though she’d tried for levity with her comment it rang a bit too close to the fears a lot of people in the Milky Way had had about AIs. SAM could do a lot of damage if he wanted to.

There was a bit of silence and Sara almost thought she had scared SAM away. Or perhaps he was occupied with Scott? But it didn’t work that way, did it? SAM could easily concentrate on more than one thing at a time.

“I find myself wishing that I could have helped you. As this is a pointless wish, since the past cannot be altered, I would like to inquire if I can be of help to you now.”

Sara blinked. That sounded a lot like the AI was trying to make amends. A small smile tugged at her mouth and she thought a bit about it. Her mind finally settled on the one topic it had tried to steer clear of since she had woken up. But now she was alone and yearning for some kind of distraction. Now that she had nothing else to kill time with, except running mental circles around what exactly she wanted to say to Scott, her thoughts all congregated, as if drawn by a magnet, around one topic.

“SAM, are there pictures of angara I can pull up on my omni-tool somehow?” She wasn’t sure if something like an extranet had already been established here. Back home she had been able to look up whatever she wanted, but here it would make sense if they hadn’t gotten around to setting something up yet.

“Indeed. I have forwarded several candid shots to your e-mail account,” SAM responded almost immediately. Was it Sara’s imagination or did he sound eager?

She lifted her arm, but hesitated. “Are there any pictures of Jaal on there?”

“If you are referring to crewmate Jaal Ama Darav, then yes. There are several pictures of him currently in your inbox.”

Her heart was starting to hammer. Should she?

“Sara Ryder, your heart rate has increased. Are you in need of medical assistance?”

She shook her head and hastily replied to SAM, before the fire brigade in form of Harry Carlyle could arrive. “No, no. It’s nothing.” She paused, considering. “Jaal visited me often. I like him. The prospect of being able to find out what he looks like was a bit too exciting to me, I guess,” she laughed self-deprecatingly and rubbed her slightly sweaty neck. She was so, so tired.

“The files containing pictures of Jaal Ama Darav are all named accordingly, should you wish to view them first,” SAM retorted helpfully, but Sara had made up her mind.

“No, I’m going to skip those. I want it to be in person, the first time I see him.” She wanted it to be an all-around experience. Until now she’d only known his voice, without any kind of visual. She didn’t want to look at a picture without being able to hear, feel, hell, even smell him. She needed the whole package. Sara wouldn’t be satisfied without Jaal filling all of her senses.

She raised her arm again and opened the newest mail waiting in her inbox. She had countless unread ones, likely from well-wishers. She’d read them later. Taking a deep breath she opened the first picture in the queue named _Angaran Male_Aya Market_.

She blinked.

Okay, so Sara had no idea what she had been imagining. Actually, she had tried not to imagine much of anything, because the one time she’d done it, she’d come up with a turian, asari, drell kind of monstrosity that she instantly deleted from her memory, because it had looked horrifying. She had no idea how writers or other creative artist people like that came up with the anatomy of new races. She sure as hell couldn’t do it.

But now that she saw what an angara looked like, all she could seem to think was _of course that’s what they look like_. It simply made sense in a weird, inexplicable way.

Also, they had nothing in common with slugs, which was a relief. Actually, it seemed that Peebee was a trustworthy source concerning things like that.

The angara she was looking at was bright blue with lighter hues of the color sprinkled about his head and down the … ridges? Flaps? … on the side of his neck. His eyes were equally blue and really, really pretty. They looked like stars. Even the slit pupils seemed alluring to Sara.

Less hesitant than before she opened the other files as well, carefully avoiding any pictures containing Jaal’s name in the title. She was not disappointed at all. They came in so many colors, it was really marvelous. There was so much variety. Humans had to use clothing to get some color into their lives but these angara could have run around naked with all the color they displayed. Sara found it simply beautiful and thought that if only some of them were a bit like Jaal it had totally been worth it, them coming to Andromeda. Never knowing a whole people as marvelously vibrant as that would have been a shame.

She looked at other males and females (privately agreeing with Peebee that the males were more attractive), seeing many people but, interestingly, no children. Maybe they didn’t let them leave home? It would make sense if the angara were cautiously guarding their children with a threat like the kett around.

She saw a picture of Scott standing beside another blue male specimen that made her appreciate just how tall and big angara could be. No wonder Jaal had constantly grumbled about the chair. He must have felt like he was sitting on something that was just a little bit wrong for him.  Stars, what would she, Sara, look like, standing beside Jaal? How far back would she have to stretch her neck to look him in the eyes? Would she feel small and vulnerable? Or safe? Protected? Maybe both?

It was then that the door swished open and Scott entered with great strides.

“Hey, Sara! I’m all done for the day. I made sure of it. I told the crew that I wasn’t going to join them for poker this evening, even though Gil will probably bitch a bit about it. But I need time with my sister, so they’ll understand that. They all say hi, by the way,” He grinned broadly, apparently having left behind the unsureness he displayed when he had left the medbay.

“Gil, your boyfriend,” Sara stated, shutting away her omni-tool and picking up her coffee again, swallowing the dregs still left in the cup. Her stomach cramped a little and she started to wonder if maybe the coffee hadn’t been the brightest idea she’d ever had.

The corners of Scott’s mouth pulled down. “Oh. Who told you? I wanted to tell you myself. He’s really great, you know. You’ll like him.”

“I’m sure, I will,” Sara answered, evading the question of the who.

Scott frowned. “What’s wrong? Are you okay? Maybe you should still be in the medbay,” he worried while taking the office chair and rolling it to her side, before sitting down on it.

“Harry and SAM are monitoring my vitals. And I’ll go back to my prison after we’re done talking, don’t worry.” Wow, she really was doing a bad job pushing down the bitterness she felt, wasn’t she? Calling it a prison went a bit far, didn’t it?

Her brother laughed, apparently having found his nervousness again. “I wouldn’t call it a prison. Harry isn’t that bad.”

“I’m not talking about Harry. But you’re right. I would think that if I ever went to prison you would deign to show up once or twice. For family day at least or to tell me that my case has made the papers or something.” She’d brought up the prison analogy already, so damn if she wasn’t going to run with it now.

“Why are you so mad? I mean, I get that you’re upset that you couldn’t go out there with me and the others. That must be seriously hard to take, but …”

Sara shot up from her seat only to have to steady herself on the backrest of the chair as a wave of dizziness washed over her. Scott instantly sprung up and took her arm, helping her to settle down again.

“Okay?” he asked, worry evident in his tone.

“Just stood up too quickly,” she muttered putting her palm to her forehead and propping her elbows on her knees.

“Maybe we should get Harry. SAM?”

“The thing is this,” Sara interrupted him loudly before he could contact the doctor. “I was laying there for months. And yeah, it sucks having been out of commission. You know me, I don’t like being idle. I don’t like being useless.”

“I wouldn’t call it –,“ Scott started but she held up a hand to make him quiet.

“That’s what it feels like so I’ll call it what I want. So yeah, that pretty much sucked. But to think … the _Tempest_ docked how often at the Nexus during that time? And not just for one day or so. Whenever you came you stayed for a few of them. And not once, not even once after we talked, did you come visit me. Have you got any idea how that feels?” Sara finally asked him, needing answers once and for all.

Scott sighed, deciding to sit down again. He mirrored her position, putting his elbows on his knees and letting his lower arms dangle between them. “I’m really sorry about that, it was just … You know what I’m like.”

“No, Scott. Right now I really don’t. Please enlighten me. Because I really don’t get what was going through your head,” Sara bit out, trying to meet her brother’s gaze.

He licked his lips and slightly shook his head. “After I talked to you about Dad and Heleus you were so upset. Your face was … twitching, like you were in pain. Like I’d hurt you. The last thing I wanted to do was hurt you!”

Sara stared at him but did not answer. Once Scott understood that she would not respond he grimaced and looked away from her.

“I thought … I thought what if I do something else to you? What if you wake up and you’re angry at me? What if I get the chance to talk to you again and screw up _again_? I didn’t want to take that chance. I didn’t want to hurt you. If it hadn’t been for me and SAM and that implant you would have been asleep. You wouldn’t have been upset, no. You could have healed and I could have told you all of the bad stuff in person. That would have been so much better. You wouldn’t have screwed up like that, Sara, if you had been in my place. I didn’t want to let you down again, so I stayed away for a bit. And then a bit turned into weeks and after I didn’t go to you during our first visit to the Nexus after our conversation, I told myself I’d go next time.”

“And after that you told yourself you’d come the time after that,” Sara said with a low voice, almost unable to believe that her hunch had been partly right. Scott hadn’t wanted to deal with her, so he hadn’t. Until the problem had been solved by somebody else or faded into obscurity.

She snorted and pressed the heels of her hands against her forehead, which felt slightly clammy. “God, Scott.”

“I’m sorry, Sara. I’m so, so sorry. But this way you could heal. And now you’re awake. I’ll make it up to you, once you’re back on your feet. I’ll show you around. You’ll love it out there,” Scott said, seemingly trying to get some enthusiasm going between the both of them.

That’s what he wanted to do. Show his older sister what all he had been able to achieve without her. She was proud of him, of course. But fuck did it make the situation even worse to know that he low-key wanted to rub her face in what had been achieved without her help.

“So, that’s all it’s supposed to take from you, then? You apologize and then tell me to get over it already so we can go on adventures together?” Sara mumbled, hit where it hurt the most.

Scott looked at her, wide eyed. “I didn’t tell you to – “

“You’re all like ‘hurray, hurray, all is well, why are you behaving like this, Sara?’. Don’t you get how much you hurt me? Don’t you understand? You can’t just make me swallow all my hurt like, like it’s some bitter medicine I have to drink! It doesn’t work like that. I can’t jug down three glasses of misery and be like ‘well, now that’s done’! Letting it sound like nothing doesn’t make it nothing!”

Sara could feel her vision starting to swim, but damn if she would start crying again, now. In a galaxy far, far away, six hundred years ago, she wouldn’t have cared. Scott had seen her snot nosed and crying on the day she’d gotten her period the first time and had actually fucking put away her bloodied pants in the hamper without so much as a word of disgust. Where was that Scott now? She wanted him back. Why didn’t he understand?

Scott abruptly stood up and took a few steps away from the couch, turning his back on her, before angling his body halfway towards hers. “I don’t get why you’re so upset! You weren’t even awake, you didn’t know I wasn’t visiting. Why are you so angry over a technicality? Yeah, I should have visited and didn’t because I felt guilty and decided to take the coward’s way out. So what? You weren’t up, you weren’t –“

“But I was!” she yelled, cutting his self-righteous little speech short and pressing the flat of her hand over her heart where it felt like a thousand splinters were cutting into her with points as sharp as needles. “I was! I was awake almost all the time. I could hear it all. I could hear the machines beeping, and Harry muttering, and the silence all the time, Scott! You don’t know how fucking, _fucking_ silent a room can be when people are talking but none of them are talking to _you_!” She put her arms around herself, hunching over, unable to stand it all anymore.

There was a pause and then a shaky “What? What do you mean, you –“ from Scott.

“I wasn’t really asleep. Agrypnocoma, Harry calls it.” Sara raised her gaze to look into Scott’s eyes which had gone wide and fearful. He was finally starting to get it. To understand what exactly he had done. “I was there. I couldn’t move a muscle. I was … _shut in my body_. And you know what that’s like? To be like that for months with nobody visiting you most of the time? I really could have used you there, Scott. I really could have used my brother.” She swallowed and it hurt.

For a moment everything was silent and Sara almost feared that Scott didn’t care after all. That he would say something callous now. That wouldn’t be anything like the brother she knew but maybe he had changed in all these months. Maybe he was someone she didn’t recognize now.

But then Scott made a mourning noise that seemed to come from somewhere deep in his chest and he took some hurried steps toward her until he fell down beside her knees, gripping her hands. Frantically, he looked into her eyes, his irises rapidly flickering from left to right and back again. “I didn’t know that! If I’d known … God, Sara you have to believe me. I wouldn’t knowingly let you alone with something like this.”

She grimaced from the way his words and her pain were pulling at her heartstrings. From the way her body still wanted to dissolve into a crying heap in his arms. “I don’t know what to do. I want my brother, but I also want to be nowhere near you. We’ve never hurt each other like this, I don’t know how to _be_ like that,” she answered, whimper rising in her throat.

His hands on hers started squeezing so hard it hurt. But the hurt was good in a way. It let her know he was really, really there. And then Scott, who had never been very macho, started crying and that was it for her resolve and they sat there, huddled together, crying about all that had happened and the thing between them that hadn’t been shattered by Scott’s stupidity and fear, but definitely displayed some signs of rough use. The bond between them was strong. Had it been fragile, it would have been annihilated. The fact that she still loved him so much, even if this love was suffused with pain and some measure of hatred, even, was a testament to the importance and endurance of it.

Scott had abandoned his earlier position and buried his face in Sara’s belly, somehow wedging himself between the chair and the table, with his arms wound around her middle, where he cried. Sara bent over him, cheek on his back and was staring unseeingly at the walls while her tears fell and both their bodies shook. She could hear Scott intone a litany of Sorries into her hoodie that, despite his callousness, meant something to her.

He really hadn’t known. She was finally certain of that. SAM hadn’t found out and told him. If they had been aware that she was awake inside her mind they would have kept her company. This hadn’t been done out of nastiness. He hadn’t meant to hurt her. He didn’t hate her or wanted to get rid of her.

The last bit she thought with a measure of doubt. It may not have been the prime reason behind Scott not coming to visit, but maybe he really felt smothered by her. It could still be true that, in the back of his head, that feeling had fed into the reasons he had had for not wanting to come to where she lay.

She should ask. She should clear the room once and for all so that actual healing could begin.

But she didn’t want to know.

So, she let it be and hugged her little brother some more as he cried for her.

If her grip felt frantic, then Scott could believe it was because she needed him.

He didn’t have to know it was because she was afraid _he_ didn’t need _her_ anymore.

 

* * *

 

Afterwards Scott had helped her back to the medbay and under Harry’s disapproving stare, she had settled back into her bed.

Scott had looked worn, hunched over. She’d put another burden on his shoulders with her revelation. The older sister in her was sorry. The twin, who knew they were actually the same age, was not.

Her brother had awkwardly waved, apparently unsure how he should tell her goodbye and promised he would come by tomorrow as soon as his duties would let him.

Now she was lying in bed, lights dimmed to simulate nighttime, and she was staring at the ceiling. Every time she closed her eyes they involuntarily shot open again as fear gripped her. What if she fell asleep only to lose the ability to move her body again? What if this had been a dream? The darkness that surrounded her when she closed her eyes was just too much.

_I’ll just never sleep again. Sounds like a solid plan. Well done, Ryder._

Her lids grew heavier and heavier nevertheless. While she was afraid, she was also tired from all the emotional turmoil she had gone through today.

And as she lost her battle against sleep she remembered that she had completely forgotten to ask Scott about Jaal.

 

* * *

 

Her dreams were made of spidery webs that clung to her skin. No matter how much she tried she could not shake them off. Instead, her flailing and warring made them stick only harder to her skin, hair, and face until she could not move, could not breathe, did not live.

This was not disconcerting at all.

 

* * *

 

Okay, so nightmares were going to be a thing.

She should have anticipated that. When you went through some kind of trauma, your body tried to somehow work through it. She knew that. Still, she could already see that this was going to be a tough one to shake. Sara physically couldn’t avoid sleeping. She needed sleep to live like any other species. But this also meant that dealing with this situation could not be postponed. She had to immediately get on it, to be functional again asap, and to leave all of this crap far behind in the dust.

The next day brought food, which was when she realized how fucking hungry she actually was. Yesterday she hadn’t been up long enough to eat and she probably wouldn’t have been able to keep much of anything down in any case. But today had her sitting here, shoveling down some kind of nutrient paste, because her stomach wasn’t used to food anymore and she needed to go easy on it. She studiously avoided telling Harry about the coffee she's drunk yesterday.

At least, there had been a flavor packet she had been allowed to put in it. It may still have been some weird, beige gruel, but at least it was weird, beige gruel that tasted like peaches.

Harry had declared her vitals good in the morning after he had woken her up from her dreams at an ungodly time that Sara would maybe have complained about had she been dreaming about something a little more pleasant, and hadn’t felt so grateful for being forced away from them. She sincerely hoped there weren’t any spiders in Heleus.

She had only been awake for about an hour when Scott walked in.

“You’re up early,” she mumbled around a spoonful of peachy stuff.

“Couldn’t sleep,” he answered, getting on the bed beside her and leaning his upper arm against hers. She pressed back a bit, before resuming her meal.

“I couldn’t either.”

“I kept waking Gil up with my turning around and in the end I stayed up and worked on some reports,” he admitted. Sara wasn’t sure if she should be annoyed that he so casually mentioned the boyfriend he had neglected to inform her about or if she should be glad. Hadn’t she been afraid that nobody would want to keep her in the loop once she’d woken up? That people would pussyfoot around her or ignore her entirely? It was good, actually, that Scott was willing to bridge any kind of awkwardness between them by acting as normally as he could. He’d apologized. Now they needed to find a way to move on together and that was something that could not be achieved without talking honestly to each other.

“Aw, you sleep in the same bed,” she gently teased and he shot her a small smile.

“We’re old and married, what can I say,” he responded to her ribbing.

Sara sent him a dark look. “You didn’t actually marry, though, did you? I may not forgive you for that. I’ve had my best man speech planned since we were sixteen.”

“And I mine,” Scott answered shaking his head. “No, we’re not married and I don’t think we’ve been together long enough to even think about that, yet.”

But Sara could see through his rational act and plopped another hearty spoonful into her mouth, lips gently curling around the utensil. “When you’ve found the right person that doesn’t matter, or so I hear. I mean, I’m all for waiting a bit. Making sure. But I think you’re allowed to think about marrying the guy you’re with if marrying is something you’re not generally opposed to. And I know you aren’t.”

Scott didn’t seem to be able to stop the smile that was trying to take over his face. His lips kept twitching and he kept biting them until he finally gave up and bashfully grinned at her.

“It’s nice. Seeing you happy,” Sara told him. She liked that he had found someone, even if it had happened when she had been out of commission. She would have really liked to witness him falling in love, though. Maybe she could ask his crew about it? They likely had some embarrassing stories to share if the ones Jaal had told her were anything to go by.

Speaking of which …

“I have a bone to pick with you,” she told him, which had him instantly alert. She almost felt bad for putting it that way, but she figured he could endure some more teasing.

“Oh?”

“Yeah. What is this I hear about this exhibitionist streak of yours? I never knew you were like that. Danger does it for you, huh?” She looked at him innocently but of course he wasn’t fooled.

“What are you even talking about?” he asked, totally confused.

“Boxer shorts on the Nomad? That’s a public vehicle. It’s where people sit when traveling on the job. Your _friends_ had to see that. They may be scarred for years to come.”

A touch of red lit up Scott’s face. Incredulously he threw up his arms. “It was one time. One! We never did it in there again.”

 _In_ there. Poor Jaal. He actually might have sat in something.

“Who even told you?” he demanded, making Sara snort and finally putting away her bowl. She hadn’t managed to eat it all, but baby steps, right?

“Why do you want to know? You gonna make them walk the plank?”

“Would serve them right. The insubordination I have to deal with on a daily basis …” He lifted his eyebrows in a _what can you do_ expression and waited for her answer.

“Well, who do you think? Who was it that visited me regularly?” It wasn’t a hard riddle to solve.

“ _Jaal_? Jaal betrayed me?” He seemed genuinely surprised but then huffed a small laugh. “I should have known. He likes to get his fun wherever he can.” Scott let his gaze travel over her, soft expression on his face. “He really came by that often?”

Sara nodded, drawing her legs up to sit cross-legged on the bed. “He did. Told me all kinds of stuff.”

“He read you fairy tales,” Scott added, though it sounded a bit like a question.

Sara smiled fondly at the memory. “He did. He wasn’t too impressed by some of them.” She wondered if that was something the two of them could continue. Reading fairy tales together. Or would that be strange, now that this wasn’t a hurt/comfort situation anymore? “Thanks for telling him that I like them, I guess.”

“You’re welcome, I guess,” Scott answered, making Sara roll her eyes. “I should probably thank him again for doing it. Now that I know what an impact his visits actually had. He’s a really good guy.” And Scott really seemed to like him. Not that Scott had ever had much problems opening up to people. That was more up Sara’s alley with the awkwardness and all.

“He considers you family, you know,” she told him, voice low.

Scott smiled softly. “I know. I got to meet his mothers and siblings and cousins. His home is like a madhouse. There are so many people in his family, I don’t think I remember half their names.”

A pang of jealousy hit Sara in the chest like a lightning bolt. Fuck, but she couldn’t help but feel that it should have been her. She should have been the one meeting Jaal’s family first. It couldn’t mean half as much to Scott as it would have to her. Scott didn’t have these … feelings for Jaal, whatever they were, and he had Gil anyway.

“It was actually sort of nice seeing such a big family. With both Mom and Dad gone and you here. It felt good being around a family again, even if it wasn’t mine.” He put a tentative arm around her shoulders and slightly tugged her towards him until she listed sideways against his form.

Okay, so she was being unfair.

Scott needed comfort, too. And he and Jaal had to have developed a really epic friendship for them to be on such familiar terms. She was being weird, wasn’t she? She shouldn’t be jealous of her brother, who was in a committed and, from the sounds of it, pretty serious relationship. He wasn’t going to steal Jaal away from her. Jaal wasn’t even hers in the first place. And Scott deserved to have all the support he could get. Platonic love was just as important to have as romantic love was, and it seemed that Scott and Jaal had something nice going on between them in that regard.

She couldn’t keep her mouth shut any longer, though.

“Speaking of … uhm. Maybe I should do that. Too. Thank him for being nice and reading to me and all.”

Scott drew his eyebrows together. “Yeah. He would appreciate that, I think,” he said slowly, studying her face.

He was onto her. Oh, god, he was so onto her.

“Great!” she said far too loudly. “Uh ... I mean great,” she repeated in a far more moderate volume. “Do you think you could, uhm, ask him to maybe come by? When he has time? _If_ he has time.”

“Sure,” he replied, licking his lips and tilting his head to the side.

“He doesn’t have to, though. If he doesn’t want to. Make sure he knows that,” she hastily added. Jaal shouldn’t feel obligated. He had already done much more for her than her own family had.

“Okay. I’ll tell him to come if or when he has time and that you were really weird about asking me to tell him.” He grinned.

“ _You will not_. I _will_ murder you.” Fratricide seemed like a viable solution right about now.

“Since this is your second day up I’ll play nice. But don’t think we won’t talk about this later. And also don’t think I don’t know what’s going on here. Lexi will have a field day.”

Oh, yeah, she’d probably given herself away big time, here. What had he said again? That she hadn’t ever had a real boyfriend or girlfriend because she was too awkward and weird to manage acquiring one? That was some great marketing right there.

“Don’t you have stuff to do? I think all the talk about your general importance was highly exaggerated,” she grumbled mulishly.

Scott snorted. “Sick of me already?” His tone was full of humor but she could tell from his expression that he was actually a bit afraid that there might me some kernel of truth in his query. Like he was the one who should rightly worry about that. 

“No, but I’m tired again and my stomach is doing this strange thing where it’s trying to tell me that it has forgotten what food is and does not appreciate me putting such things in it. I’ll have to negotiate with it and I need all my concentration for that.”

Before Scott could express the clear skepticism he felt about that, SAM interrupted them. “Pathfinder. Tiran Kandros is interested in your whereabouts. He would like to speak with you.”

Sara lifted an eyebrow. “Duty calls.”

Her brother sighed and reluctantly got up, giving her arm a last squeeze. “Okay, then. I’ll be by tomorrow at the latest. Try not to lose that argument with your belly.” He pressed his lips together in the approximation of a smile.

While she watched his retreating figure she couldn’t help it. She simply couldn’t. “You won’t forget to ask, will you?” she called after him.

“Ask what?” he yelled over his shoulder, making her scramble up onto her knees.

“Scott!” she yelled with a definite warning in her tone.

He simply laughed and wiggled his fingers at her in what could have been a wave or part of an elaborate sign language he had picked up around Heleus.

It could have meant anything.

And then he was gone and Sara let herself fall on her bed, staring up at the ceiling once more.

“Fuck.”

Her stomach rumbled in agreement.

 

* * *

 

The thing about wanting to get over something fast is this: whatever trauma you have, whatever ghosts haunt you, they don’t care for shit what you want.

 

* * *

 

Two days later saw Sara standing in the hallway between the medbay and her Dad’s quarters, clutching the walls and pressing her forehead against the cool material of it. She was breathing hard; all she could hear was the blood pulsing in her ears far too rapidly to still be considered healthy. Air only found its way into her lungs in the form of great gulps that she sucked in irregularly, shakily. The way she drew it in, it should have been enough oxygen, but instead she felt her vision starting to swim.

She wanted to calm the fuck down, breathe normally, but she could not control the hectic way her lungs and throat seemed to spasm. Her body was desperate for air, but in its haste, was scrambling, snatching at the elusive gas with slippery hands and splayed fingers.

On the edge of her awareness she noticed how numb her actual fingers felt where she had curled them into fists against the wall. As slowly as she could, she let herself sink down onto the floor, kneeling, forehead still touching the walls as her hands had been, trying to get some feeling back into them by opening and closing her fingers.

The lights had gone out for a second. Maybe two. That was all it had taken to transform her into this heaving mess on the floor. This had not been the plan, this had not been what she had wanted. Terror was only supposed to come at night when she was trying to sleep. There, she would have been prepared. There, the fear would not have surprised her.

But this? This little blip in the generator of the Hyperion had been enough to take her out.

Panicked tears slowly filled her eyes. She couldn’t stop gasping, even though she knew she had to, knew her brain wasn’t getting enough oxygen like this if the dark spots that had started to dance around her vision were anything to go by. But what she knew rationally and what her body thought it knew, were two different pairs of shoes and her body had decided to not listen to her.

She heard a thin whine escape her throat around her gasps and the sound alone was enough to make her panic even more.

It was then that she felt the warmth of a body at her back, heard somebody talking to her. But it sounded like her head was underwater. She could not make out any sounds, didn’t know who it was. But right now, she didn’t care. She instantly turned around, clutching at the figure, somehow, as if driven by some instinct that still worked even throughout this mess. She found gloved hands and pressed them hard between her fingers, needing _something_ – something warm, alive, to ground her. To show her body that breathing worked differently from what it was doing right now.

The person, whoever it was, drew her closer, seemed to huddle on the floor with her, and gently kept talking to her. They freed one of their hands from her frantic grasp and put it on her sternum, after taking Sara's right hand an putting it on their chest which rose and fell at an almost exaggerated and hypnotic pace. At first, it didn’t seem to work, which almost sent her down another spiral. But then, ever so slowly, so slowly in fact that she almost missed it, she was able to draw her breath in a bit slower, a bit more shallow. Her fingers stopped tingling, needing blood to flow normally through their veins again because of all the firm clutching and pressing they had to do. The fog around her brain lifted and she was able to close her mouth and take deep breaths through her nose. Her head emerged through the waterline and she could hear once more.

Pathetically relieved she let herself fall forward and pressed her face against the hard chest in front of her. Strong arms encircled her a little hesitantly, but for all their hesitance their grip was strong and sure. “Thank you,” she whispered, once again exhausted. It felt like this was the only emotion she managed to return to on any frequent basis since she had woken up. Exhaustion permeated every action she took, be it talking, walking, eating, or trying to sleep.

“You are welcome.”

Sara’s eyes, which she had closed at one point, shot open again and she stiffened. Of all the fucking people …

“Jaal?” she asked, it apparently being her turn to be hesitant.

“Yes?” He sounded confused. Oh, god, oh, god, oh, god …

Of all the fucking people and all the fucking moments and all the fucking situations – this was the first impression she had to make on him? Someone in the universe really had it out for Sara, didn’t they?

She let out a sound that was something between a sob and a laugh and Jaal instantly strengthened his hold on her.

“Is it not over yet? Do you need more time?” He sounded so damn worried.

“No, no. I’m okay now, I’m … The lights went out and I freaked out a little. I didn’t anticipate it and … Shit, I’m sorry.”

She strained a bit against his hold and he took the hint and lowered his arms from around her. Drawing in a shuddery breath she tilted her head back and looked him in the eye for the first time.

In books the moment where two lovers met was always described as something world changing. A heroine met her hero and once she laid eyes upon him the stars realigned themselves, the earth shook, and the planet tilted on its axis. In some especially dramatic versions the sun broke through the clouds of a rainy day and angels sang in cherubic choirs.

Sara didn’t experience any of that. The stars stayed firmly where they had been for eons and the Hyperion did not tilt or shake in any form or measure, which was good because Sara couldn’t have taken another shock today. No. The entire universe did not change.

But after everything that had happened to her, after all the heartache, anger, and helplessness that lay in her past and seemed to lurk around every corner of her future, Sara felt, for the first time since she had woken up, like everything would be alright.

And to a woman that had been through so much worry and uncertainty as she? To a woman that had laid internally quivering in the dark, afraid of all the monsters she could not see, afraid that this state of perpetual motionlessness and darkness was forever?

To a woman like that, this was everything.

“Hello,” she greeted him, small smile curling her lips as she looked into the face of the man who had made it all a little more bearable.

Blinking, he smiled just as slowly back at her and Sara swore she could feel her heart skip a beat.

“Hello, Sara Ryder,” he answered amicably, voice just as rich and rumbling as she remembered.

He was on his knees before her, actively shielding her from looks of any passersby. _How nice_ , she thought. But she shouldn’t have expected anything different.

“I- I bet that’s not how you thought your first meeting with me would go,” she said nervously, wiping away the moisture that clung to the skin under her eyes, made up of equal parts tears and cold sweat.

Jaal let out an overly loud laugh that almost made her flinch and then grin in spite of herself. “No, it was really not.”

“At least you got your hug, right? That’s got to count for something.” Her knees were starting to protest and so she stood up with a bit of a wince and a groan. Jaal wasn’t far behind her and as he stood before her it hit Sara just how big and broad he was. If he stood like this she could hide the whole of her body behind him and nobody would ever know.

“This was not how I envisioned the hug. For one thing, there was a lot less panic involved on your side,” Jaal joked, straightening a bit as she stared at him.

“Don’t like your hugging partners scared out of their minds? Good to know,” she joked back, just so keeping from rolling her eyes at her own lameness. Before he could answer, she quickly added “I was on my way to my Dad’s cabin, before I so elegantly swooned. Do you want to come with? We could talk more there. If you have time.”

He made a thoughtful sound. “I was on my way to the medbay, actually. I have nothing else planned.”

“Okay, then I’ll … lead the way,” she said hastily starting the trek up the hallway and ignoring the few people that had stopped whatever they had been doing to stare at her. 

Their walk was silent and all kinds of awkward.

Tension started to creep up into Sara’s shoulders until her muscles low-key started to ache with it. This wasn’t awesome. This wasn’t good. She had to come up with something to tell him. But what? Her brain was so empty, there were actual dust bunnies floating around. When she hadn’t been able to answer him, her mind was figuratively overflowing with words and now that she finally could open her mouth and make words come out of it, something inside of her didn’t let her? What the hell?

After what seemed like forever, they arrived at her Dad’s cabin and she let them in.

“Make yourself comfortable,” she tried to say, looking back at him over her shoulder. But she only made it halfway through the sentence before she ran into the chair Scott had left standing around near the leather chair from the last time they had talked here together.

“Shit,” she cursed quietly, but Jaal’s arm shot out to steady her and she huffed out a laugh that was made up half of annoyance, half of gratefulness. With exaggerated care, she managed to walk around the chair and made her way to the leather one.

“Scott told me you were awake and wanted to see me?” he asked her slowly backing away, one arm still outstretched as if worried that she might do some harm to her clumsy ass again.

Fuck, she wished she weren’t this stupidly fragile right now. This was not the impression she wanted to leave on him. While she settled down on the cushions, Jaal took Scott’s stupid chair.

“Yeah, totally. Uhm. I wanted to thank you. For visiting me,” she managed to get out and blew the hair that had fallen into her eyes away from her face, irritated. The hair stuck to her forehead, which was sweaty, probably both from her panic attack and the way to these quarters. She should have taken the wheelchair again, like Harry had wanted, but in the end, pride had won out.

Her thanks seemed to surprise Jaal by the slight jerk that ran through his body and the way he drew his head back a fraction. “Oh. Scott told you I visited?”

She let out a nervous laugh. “No.” She hesitated.

Sara really hoped this would be the last time she had to tell this story. It was fast starting to become tiresome and, contrary to what she had expected, it did not actually get any easier.

“Remember how you told me that you wished that I couldn’t actually hear you when you came by, because that would mean I was awake and that would be pretty horrifying? Well, it was horrifying.” She drew in a hasty breath through her nose that sounded like a hiss and her eyes widened. “Not listening to you. I mean, listening to you wasn’t horrifying, that was actually the best thing that happened to me all these months, but lying there and not being able to move was. Horrifying.”

God.

For a second, Jaal did not move even an inch. But then he averted his gaze from her and drew a shuddery breath. The muscles in his face contracted a little and he closed his eyes.

Oh.

Oh, no.

“No, don’t cry. Please don’t,” she blurted, instantly scooting towards the edge of her seat and extending a hand, unsure how to handle this. Did angara like to be comforted? Did they like being touched? Maybe there was some taboo about this? But he had hugged her, hadn’t he, so this should be okay? Fuck, she really should have done some research, why the hell hadn’t she?

In the end, Jaal took the decision away from her by taking her hand and squeezing it gently between both of his, just as he had done when she was still lying prone on her bed some weeks ago, and almost as they had done minutes before in a too bright hallway.

“What you went through ... I do not know what to say,” he rumbled out, voice a bit lower than it usually was.

“You don’t have to say anything, Jaal,” she quickly tried to reassure him. She ducked her chin, trying to catch his gaze and he easily let it be caught. “Do you have any idea how much you helped me? I was there all alone. You were the only one visiting me, aside from that one time Peebee came by. It was the one thing I was looking forward to. It was such a nice thing to do. You’re really great, Jaal.”

A small smile graced his face, but his eyes seemed sad, still. “I’m blushing.”

“I can’t tell,” Sara told him honestly and they shared an awkward laugh.

He shook his head slightly and she slowly let go of his hand, feeling that the worst of his shock may have worn off already.

“I just realized that I did not question how you knew that I wanted to hug you. It seems silly now. How else could you have known? But maybe in talking to you I forgot for a moment that it was a one sided conversation we were having.”

Sara bit her lip and leaned back into the cushions, letting the couch take her weight. “It’s nice, in a way. That you were able to forget. I couldn’t.” She tried to sound jovial about it, but she missed her mark by the way the corners of Jaal’s mouth started to pull down.

“I cannot imagine what it must have been like. Darkness is something that can be lethal to angara. We require sunlight to survive. And even though the darkness you experienced was not about the lack of sunshine, too me it seems like the worst kind of nightmare.”

Well, wasn’t that a light note to add to the conversation?

“Yeah, it wasn’t the greatest thing ever,” she mumbled.

“You are downplaying your pain. Why?” he asked her, seeming more affected by what had happened to her than she herself did in the moment. His question stumped her, though.

“I don’t know,” she let out a nervous laugh, but he simply looked at her, sorrow still plainly written on his face. “Making light of it kind of helps deal with it? Constantly thinking about how awful it was would probably make it worse.” She shrugged. “Also, I’m sure you don’t want to hear about it.”

“It is important not to lose yourself in sadness,” he said, nodding. “But talking honestly about it can also help. And I’m not averse to listening. I’m a very good listener.”

Sara opened her mouth, drawing in breath, while slightly shaking her head. Liking her lips she moved her gaze away from him.

“I’m sorry. If you do not want to tell me, I understand. We don’t know each other.” He seemed so earnest, but it looked like her reaction made him retreat further into himself, as if her not wanting to tell him hurt him somehow.

“No, that’s not …” She sighed, a little frustrated with her inability to articulate herself. “It’s not that I don’t want to tell you specifically. It’s that, since I’ve woken up, it feels like I’ve done nothing _but_ talk about it and honestly, I need a break.”

“It hurts you. And it’s a sensitive topic,” he stated, looking at her questioningly. His continued worry lit a candle of appreciation in her chest that was gently starting to warm places inside of her that had felt desolate and frozen of late.

“Exactly.”

They were silent again and the silence made Sara feel agitated. She had never been a person that needed constant chatter around her. But since her coma, not talking to people, when she finally was capable of it again, felt like a waste. Jaal was here. The man she had been thinking about for weeks and weeks. Why was it so hard to come up with a topic? Was she trying too hard? It all made her antsy and she felt herself stiffening, because of how uncomfortable and oppressive the silence between them felt. In the end, she just blurted out the one thing that came to her mind.

“I talked back. In my head, I mean.” Sara briefly closed her eyes but then decided to just go with it.

“You did? I hope you did not find what I was saying boring.”

Nothing could have been further from the truth.

“No! Not at all Jaal, you’re so … interesting. I mean it. I liked every second of it.”

Maybe someone could shoot her now? Any takers? No?

Jaal chuckled, sadness seeming to slowly leave his shoulders. He looked less weighed down, if that made sense. “You enjoyed the fairy tales?”

She nodded, eager to move on. “Very much. Though, I have to say I liked your reactions to them even more.”

He smiled at her, leaning forward in his seat, putting one of his lower arms on a powerful thigh. Sara hastily averted her gaze, before she started staring at it. “Some of them are quite intriguing. I will be reading more of them, I think.”

“You should definitely read some of the more popular ones, as well. _Hansel and Gretel_ is extremely weird, if you want more of that,” she suggested.

“Weird, how?”

“Two kids get trapped by an old woman in the woods who wants to eat them.” Sara grinned. “I don’t know why, but when I was small I loved that one. I really liked the ending. I don’t know what that says about me.”

If Jaal had had eyebrows they probably would have been pretty far up on his forehead right now. As such, his eyes seemed a little bigger than usual and his mouth was quirked in a funny way. “I see. What moral is this supposed to teach?”

“Stranger danger,” Sara answered wisely and Jaal nodded along with her just as sagely.

“Do you … uhm. Do you have any angaran stories like that I could read? I mean, it’s only fair and I’m interested.”

Jaal perked up immediately and lifted his hand to start up something that looked like a blue, round, incomprehensible version of her omni-tool. “I will search for some, immediately. Liam was not interested in reading them, but I have some stories on here. I keep them on hand to read to the little ones when I’m home.”

Sara tried to imagine Jaal sitting on the floor, surrounded by a gaggle of angaran children, listening to is every word. She had to snap herself out of it, before she made any of the sounds that were trying to claw their way up her throat. She didn’t want to frighten him with the way everything he seemed to do adored him to her even more. Her heart was all gooey now.

“There. Sent.” He expectantly looked up at her.

“Uhm.” She lifted her own arm, looking at her mails, trying to suppress the thrill she felt at seeing his name light up her inbox. “Yeah, got them. I’ll read some in the evening. Thanks.”

“You’re very welcome.” As he shifted in his seat his … poncho, fluttered forwards a little and for the first time, Sara paid attention to the garment. The fabric seemed very thin and it glimmered in the light of the lamp. Though it was blue, there was a slightly silver sheen to where the light hit it.

“I like your … uh …” Sara gesticulated towards it, not sure what exactly to call it.

“My rofjinn? You species seems to be rather fascinated with it. I sewed one for Liam as a gift, because he kept asking if he could wear one, and he couldn’t stop thanking me.”

Sara’s eyebrows shot up. “You sewed him one? Simply because he liked it?”

He seemed rather proud with himself. His chest puffed out a little and he held himself straighter. “I’m very good at sewing. I made the one I’m wearing as well.”

“That’s really impressive. And nice of you, to think of Liam like that.” She would not be fucking jealous of Hang-In-There. She refused.

“I made gifts for all of the crew of the Andromeda. They are my friends. I love them.”

Had Sara been drinking anything she probably would have spit it out right then. Something in her expression made Jaal laugh a booming laugh, shaking his head. The skin around his eyes crinkled a little. Sara felt herself flush.

“Your people always look so shocked whenever this sentiment is offered for someone that is not a romantic partner or family. I’ll never understand it. If you really like someone why not call it love?”

Sara was scrambling for words. “I- I don’t know. I guess it’s ingrained in all of our cultures somehow to express love only on rare occasions or with rare people. I never really questioned why.”

Jaal made a considering noise in his throat that was still colored by amusement. “When I told Scott that I loved Moshae Sjefa, he asked me if we had a teacher student thing going on.”

Sara barked out a laugh. “Oh, my god. Scott, no.”

“The woman could be one of my grandmothers. I love her, yes. But not like that.”

“I don’t know. She could probably show you a few tricks,” Sara told him with waggling eyebrows, which made Jaal laugh again.

“I’ve always valued any wisdom she had to give. But if she ever wants to tell me about any conquests of hers, I will run away.”  

“Using your youthful strength against her? For shame, Jaal.”

This was when the ice finally broke and both of them seemed to relax. Talking to someone while they were unconscious or listening to someone while in this state, and developing some sort of attachment to the person one was talking or listening to was one thing. But Sara had felt the pressure to confirm that they would still like each other once they could properly communicate. Only now that they had found out that they could talk without reservation, she noticed how worried she had been about the prospect of him not liking her. But the idea that she would like him less once they could have a conversation had also made her afraid. He had been such a glimmering light in the darkness. To snuff out that light had been almost unthinkable to her. Now, her heart was light, everything was good in the world, and nothing hurt.

They went on like this for a bit. Talking about the Moshae and the intricacies of her rescue, which he had only glossed over when he had told Sara about her before. But in the end, her weariness caught up with her and she kept yawning, until neither of them could ignore it anymore.

“I think I should lie down for a bit,” she told Jaal, slowly getting up from her seat.

“Do you need help walking back to the medbay?” Jaal asked her, likely after having noticed that she was a bit shaky on her feet.

She didn’t want to say yes. She didn’t want him to think that she was a fucking damsel in distress. “Nah. I’ll just have to take it slowly. Very slowly,” she joked, winking at him, but he did not smile.

“There is no shame in requiring assistance. I have noticed that humans often hide their pain, because they do not want to be a burden. I would like it if you would let me help.”

“Well, you’re not tiptoeing around the issue, are you?” she muttered, sighing. But she knew he was right. “Yeah, okay. Please.”

He stepped closer. “Would it would be … easier if you would let me carry you?” He said, sounding highly uncomfortable and averting his eyes. 

Sara’s own eyes widened and she actually took a step back. “Fuck, no. I’ll take help if I must, but I want nobody to see me getting carried through the halls.”

Jaal didn’t push the issue further. Instead, he offered her his arm to lean on and she gladly took that.

Slowly, they made their way through the Hyperion, earning a few curious, but not malicious glances from people passing them. They probably were an unusual sight. While the Angara had been a presence on the Nexus for some time, this Angara was probably the only one who had ventured aboard the ark until now.

God, but he smelled nice. What was that? It smelled kind of flowery and fresh. She wanted to bury her face in his chest again. Or at his throat. Maybe she should have let him carry her, after all. That would probably have felt really nice. And smelled even nicer. Damn her pride. But he hadn’t looked comfortable with the suggestion anyway so maybe it was good that she had said no. She didn’t want him to do anything out of some sense of obligation even though he didn’t actually want to do it. Why had he even offered?

“I’m sorry if I appear uncomfortable. Speaking about illness is a … taboo for the angara. But I’m trying to be better about it. For my crew mates, just as they try being more open about their feelings for me.”

Oh. That explained that then.

“It’s okay. I’m not really comfortable about the way I am right now, either. So, you’re in good company,” she panted, already out of breath.

They made it back to the medbay, where Harry was looking at them, with a vaguely disapproving expression. “I’m already regretting it that I told you could walk around for a bit.”

“I know when to quit, mother hen. I’m here, aren’t I?” Sara snarked back, while Jaal helped her to her bed. How sad that it was happening under such unsexy circumstances.

“You’re pushing it and you know it,” Harry told her, turning back to his console.

Jaal only let her go once she had sat down on the sheets and then hovered for a bit, seemingly unsure what to do.

“I will let you rest, now,” Jaal told her eventually.

Sara nodded, reluctant about letting him leave, but knowing that she would be out like a light soon. However, there was something to settle first.

“Would you write to me? When you’re out there again?” she asked, sucking in her lips and nervously eyeing him.

He blinked in surprise. “You would want me to?”

“Yeah, I mean … I’d like that a lot.” She smiled at him, trying at the same time to convey that she’d really like it without giving away how much _exactly_. It was a hard thing to do and Sara probably failed, but she’d certainly get a gold star for trying her best.

He inclined his head, returning her expression and fuck, it was unnatural how cute she found that close-lipped little smile of his. He looked downright adorable in a sheepish, even kind of boyish way. Sara was so fucked, honestly.

“Then, I’ll gladly do so.” He stepped forward, again, taking her hand in both of his and gave it a strong squeeze between them. When she had been asleep Jaal had been so gentle about it and even in her Dad’s room the pressure was there but still kind of soft. She was glad, that he didn’t think her so breakable that he was worried he might crush her hand between his. That was not the impression she wanted him to have of her. Aside from that, she liked the way it felt. His hands were bigger than hers and the way he held it, her hand disappeared between his. It felt safe. It almost felt as if a slight tingle, a little buzz, was coming from his fingers, but Sara thought she must be imagining that.

“Until next time, Sara Ryder.”

She grinned. “Stay strong and clear,” she echoed the words he had told her all those weeks ago.

The smile he gave her then was much more blinding than the first.

Maybe their first actual meeting hadn’t gone down with any hiccups.

But now she had reaffirmed what she had known in her heart all along.

He was the most beautiful being in two galaxies.

And it definitely wasn’t just gratefulness.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> What the hell guys? I’ve never had so many comments for anything I have written ever! You were all so nice and encouraging I kept grinning like an idiot all throughout Easter dinner and the week after! :D I'll be taking some liberties with dialogue and timelines, since I felt that this ‘verse was sufficiently different from canon for that to be acceptable. 
> 
> I decided to split this into three chapters so that the wait isn’t too long for all the people who’ve been asking me to write fast :) 
> 
> I hope you liked it and you will still be there for next time! 
> 
> Also, this time this was edited by the amazing FourDirtyPaws. THANK YOU!
> 
> Title and story inspired by “Reflecting Light” by Sam Phillips. 
> 
> Next time witness: EMAILS! (gotta stay in contact somehow), some datelike meetings, Scott freaking out, and Sara making new friends  


	2. Chapter 2

“Sara, this is Gil.”

For a moment Sara seriously expected Scott to do jazz hands. The way he had strolled in here with a red-haired, handsome guy in tow, had basically thrust him in front of his body, and was now gripping his upper arms, as if presenting him to her. Where was some confetti when you needed it?

“Yay?” Gil added, slightly rolling his eyes and grinning crookedly at her.

“Yay,” she confirmed, before deciding that anybody loving Scott in the face of his obvious faults deserved at least a handshake from her.

Her brother was looking between them, gaze switching from their joined hands to each of their faces, beaming.

“Are you sure about this, Gil? He’s a weirdo,” Sara asked, letting Gil’s hand go and inclining her head towards her manically smiling brother.

“Skies help me, but yeah,” Gil told her and leaned into Scott when he stepped towards him, body partly hidden behind him. He hooked his chin over Gil’s shoulder looking more content than Sara had ever seen him with a significant other.

Scott had always been a handsy guy, for a human at least, when it came to his lovers, but few had ever let him indulge himself. He often had heard that he was being too clingy, his need to show how he felt about them a constant point of contention. One guy even implemented a kiss embargo, because he had gotten fed up with all the affection Scott had been showering him with.

Actually, now it made more sense that Scott and Jaal got along so well. From what she’d read yesterday, hugging and touching were a big part of angaran culture. It must have been a total change for Scott to be seen as the reserved one for once.

“So, how’s it going with you? You had PT today?” Scott asked her, putting his arms around Gil’s middle.

Sara felt a pang of something. Not jealousy, exactly. It wasn’t that she didn’t want them to be together or like she was into Gil. But there was a part of her that fervently wished to have the same thing they had with each other. Just leaning on another person, drawing comfort from their touch, and _being_. Her heart freaking yearned to have something similar to this and while she was happy for Scott, always so happy for him, seeing them together also hurt a little. Like almost everything did at the moment. Her mental state was so volatile at times, with the smallest things making her heart hurt.

“Yeah. It went pretty well. Harry says it helps that I’m determined to get better.”

“Probably even too determined if I know my sister,” Scott said, smiling.

“No such thing. I want to get out of here. And the better I’m doing, the sooner Harry will let me. Also, it means that I can walk around the _Hyperion_ for a bit every day. I’m just glad that I can take those muscle stimulants Harry has been giving me in addition. I shudder to think how long this would take if I didn’t get to have those.”

“You probably would be walking around exactly nowhere,” Gil supplied.

“Probably, yeah. Harry has actually been pretty accommodating about this. Do not tell him, I said that,” Sara demanded holding up her forefinger and pointing it at both of them.

“Could be, he feels guilty,” said Gil and Scott’s smile faded slowly from his face. He lowered his head a little, hiding his mouth against Gil’s shoulder and sort of burrowing further into him.

Gil didn’t realize anything was wrong at first, but he frowned when neither Sara nor Scott answered him. He strained to look at her brother. “Scott?” But Scott simply shook his head before raising it again, letting go of Gil, but remaining by his side. He never stopped touching him, even if now it was simply his shoulder brushing against Gil’s.

“He _does_ feel guilty. He doesn’t understand why he didn’t catch that you were awake, so he’s been working with SAM to try and figure out what happened, so it won’t again.”

“That’s good. I wouldn’t want anything like that to happen to me again. Or to you. Even though, you could be sure that I at least would stop by,” Sara said, forced sort of laugh coming out along with her words.

Scott’s face, which had previously simply shown the strain guilt brought along with itself, now crumpled for a second. His features went soft and it was like a wave of something went through him from head to toe, the way his whole body seemed to sack.

Gil immediately put a hand on his shoulder and shot Sara a look that told her plain and simple what he thought of her remark.

Sara swallowed drily, trying to put a muzzle on the hairy thing inside of her. Its teeth were white and gleaming and it knew just how hard it had to bite.

“I’m sorry. I don’t mean to be a bitch about this or anything, it’s just … You’re usually the person I talk to about everything. But you’ve never been the person I needed to talk _about_ , so I think I keep getting my wires crossed. I can’t vent to you about what you did, I know that.”

Intellectually, she knew. But it was hard keeping herself in check. When the person you trust the most betrays you what do you do? You can’t treat the situation as you usually would, because the one you can always confide in, is the one you can’t talk to about it. It was an entirely new situation and Sara had no clue how to handle it yet.

“Sometimes I just don’t think you’ve forgiven me. And I get that this takes time and all. I just wish I could kick my past self’s ass.”

“Me too,” Sara said, standing up from the bed and giving in. She got on her tiptoes and gave Scott a hard hug that hurt just as much as it felt good. But by the way Scott pressed right back, he didn’t seem to mind.

“And I _have_ forgiven you. I promise. I just forget that, sometimes,” she said lowly into his ear. While she eased up on her hug, preparing to pull away, Scott’s arms didn’t give and she took the hint and stayed where she was. She pressed her cheek to his and looked over to where Gil was watching them with a slightly uncomfortable (or was it worried?) expression on his face.

“Sorry,” she mouthed at him and he simply shrugged, mouthing, “It’s okay” back at her.

“It’s not always going to be like this, is it?” Scott finally said. “We’re going to be okay, aren’t we?”

She huffed out a small laugh, finally being allowed to pull away. “Of course, we are going to be okay. It’s just going to take a bit of time.” She pressed her lips together into something of a smile. “I’ll try to keep the biting remarks to a minimum and find someone I can vent to and you visit me every time you’re here and never procrastinate me again.”

“Can you even procrastinate a person?” Gil asked from the sidelines, a thoughtful expression on his face now.

“If anybody can, it’s Scott,” Sara answered him, crossing her arms.

Her brother shot her a flat look, but overall seemed to feel better. “Speaking of, we have to ship out again tomorrow. I have some stuff to do on Voeld and Kadara. I can’t put that off any longer and we’ve been her for a week already.”

Shit. She’d just gotten him back and now he already had to leave again? Sara felt an ache in her chest but resolutely stamped it down. Great, apparently, now that she had forbidden it from hurting Scott, the monster in her had decided to start gnawing on her own insides. Awesome. 

Rationally, she had known that the _Tempest_ probably had to leave soon. She’d told Jaal to write her in anticipation of this, hadn’t she? But now that it was actually happening, she didn’t want it to. Before, she had been able to put off thinking about it in exact terms. Scott leaving was just something that had to happen at some point. Never soon. Never now.

“What are you doing there?” she asked, trying to get a grip.

“What won’t we be doing? Sometimes I think we are helping everyone and their grandmother,” Gil groused.

“You aren’t doing anything. I’m the one putting pendants on hills and helping to preserve wildlife,” Scott told him, gently nudging Gil’s ribs until he was batted away.

“Excuse me, I have to work with Kallo all day and that’s infinitely worse.”

“Kallo, the pilot?” Sara asked, scratching her nose.

“Yeah. We don’t really see eye to eye when it comes to … everything,” Gil told her and grimaced slightly. “I don’t know what it is about him. He just rubs me the wrong way. It’s like every time he talks it sounds like whawhawha.”

“He isn’t that bad. He just approaches things differently than you. You just have to learn how to listen.” Scott shook his head. “I’ve been trying to make these two sit down and talk from the start.”

“Maybe make them wear a Get Along Shirt,” Sara suggested helpfully, which made Scott snort out a laugh.

“I would rather die,” Gil hissed dramatically, but with a sparkle of good humor in his narrowed eyes.

“Then be nice to him!”

“I will if he will!”

Sara felt a small smile spread on her lips while she settled in to watch her brother argue with his boyfriend. All in all, things still sucked, but they were also looking up. She may not have had an overly great start here in this galaxy but maybe that meant that from here on out things would be pretty good. Surely, enough bad things had happened to her already, right? Scott had found happiness here, the role as pathfinder obviously agreeing with him. Maybe she’d find her niche as well. Maybe she could have something as warm and comfortable as Scott had with Gil.

In the meantime, she’d just have to wait and see.

 

* * *

**A Communication from Jaal**

To: Sara Ryder  
From: Jaal

Sara,

I hope you weren’t joking when you suggested we stay in contact. I do not think so, but I find it hard to tell with Milky Way species sometimes.

It has been rather quiet the last view days. Scott has taken Cora and Peebee out on Kadara. They have a lead on somebody called the “Charlatan” who has been making trouble for the current leaders of Kadara. I’m glad they did not take me along. My complaining has finally paid off and I can concentrate on other matters. Like writing to you.

How have you been faring? I confess you have been in my thoughts often since we left the Nexus. I still find it hard to wrap my mind around the idea that you were listening to me all this time while I was talking to you in the medbay.

I have been meaning to ask you this but couldn’t quite muster the courage. I didn’t do anything against your will while I was at your bedside, did I? Should you not have liked the fairy tales or thought I went too far when I took your hand, then I would like it if you told me.

Jaal

 

***

 

**Re: A Communication from Jaal**

To: Jaal  
From: Sara Ryder

Hey, Jaal!

I was not joking. I like to think people generally know when I am. Though you are right and cultural misunderstandings definitely are a thing. But you’ve been on the Tempest for a while now, haven’t you? You should trust what you learned there. I’m not Scott, but I grew up with him so there should be at least some similarities.

You have to explain to me what it is exactly about Kadara that you hate so much. I mean, I believe you that it’s bad, but can it really be THAT bad? People live there.

Psh, not much. I’ve been attending my PT like a good girl and I’ve already gained a bit of my strength back. The walk from the medbay to my Dad’s quarters (I should stop calling them that, they have officially been reassigned to me, since Scott has moved in with Gil) doesn’t completely tire me out anymore, so that’s nice. I’ve been a bit bored, though. I’ve got to go make some friends, I think, before I do something stupid.

Jaal, listen to me: no. You have never done anything to me that I objected to. Scott didn’t lie about the fairy tales. I really like them. I also really didn’t mind you taking my hand, believe me.

Sara

 

***

 

 **Re: Re: A Communication from Jaal**  

To: Sara Ryder  
From: Jaal

Sara,

I’m glad it was not a misunderstanding. I like to think I understand all of your species a bit better thanks to my stay on the Tempest and thanks to its crew. Liam especially has been a great help in making me understand human intricacies. Some misunderstandings keep occurring, however. I have an especially hard time with idioms sometimes. Yesterday I told Liam to “fuck over” and he laughed at me. That was NOT the reaction I wanted to hear from him. Aside from that, you and Scott have more in common than you think. He, too, can be driven when he has set his sight on something. If the stories I have heard about you can be believed, this is true for you also.

There are too many mountains. And it is a cesspool of depravity and crime. That should be enough of a reason.

Scott and Gil have a strong bond with each other. I enjoy seeing what relationships look like with humans. So far, I have noticed many familiar things. They are very restrained with each other, compared to angaran couples, though. But Liam has assured me that they behave “mushily” by human standards.

What would something stupid be?

It is good to hear that I have not offended. I thought maybe this was the reason why you did not want me to help you walk back to the medical station. If I had hurt you in some way in trying to help you in the past, it would make sense that you would fear to be harmed by me again.

Jaal

 

***

 

**Re: Re: Re: A Communication from Jaal**

To: Jaal  
From: Sara Ryder

Hahahaha, the right way to say it would have been “fuck off”. That’s probably why he laughed.

Scott and I have some things in common; it is true (sadly). Scott is stubborn only in select situations, though. But when it happens, he literally can’t be moved.  Once he got it in his head that he needed a special brand of shoes when we were both in school. He actually started going barefoot until Mom caved and bought them for him. It’s actually quite impressive when you think about it. I just would have saved money until I could have gotten them. He can be quite the creative thinker.

A mountainous cesspool, huh? Sounds exciting.

Oh, they are, believe me. It’s less in the words and more in the body language. Scott looks at Gil like he hung the stars and Gil looks at Scott like he’s already undressed him. Quite disturbing for a sister to see. I mean, I know what Scott has in his pants and it is all perfectly proportional, but aside from that I don’t want to think about this. Nope. I have stopped. But you’re right. Humans reserve most of the romantic stuff for private occasions or maybe for times when they are around family. Maybe that is why Gil and Scott actually act so “mushily” in front of the crew. I think they see you as family. It’s nice that he found someone. And that he has found some sort of family again. I envy that.

Something stupid would be sending prank mails to Foster Addison. I hear she has been on Scott’s case the whole time. If we were still in school I would probably really do it. I’m tempted. I won’t.

Jaal, please don’t worry about offending me. I’m not that easily offended. I may bitch and moan and I can get angry easily, but holding a grudge is not my thing. And I’m sorry I didn’t accept your help at first, but honestly … It sounds kind of stupid but I’m telling you anyway, because I don’t want you to have to keep thinking about this. I didn’t want you to think I’m weak, kind of? So far, you’ve only seen me in a coma or crying. That’s not a very capable, dare I say “formidable”, picture I’m painting you here.

Sara

 

***

 

**Re: Re: Re: Re: A Communication from Jaal**

To: Sara Ryder  
From: Jaal

Sara,

“Fuck off” worked a lot better, thank you. I have added this to my repertoire.

I have been able to see Scott’s creativity first hand many times and I greatly admire him for it. He often finds solutions that do not at first come to mind. Or at least not to mine. He makes a great leader. I’m glad to have him as a friend.

Kadara is not exciting. Should you ever go there, please do not take me with you.

I’m glad to hear of the proportionality of Scott’s genitals. I haven’t worried about this but it is always good to hear a friend is able to sexually satisfy another friend. I would also like to remind you that you don’t need to be envious. I’ve already told you that I consider both you and Scott family. Angara are great at sharing when it comes to family. Our families are big. There is no need to be stingy when it comes to their members.

I understand. Angara do not like to talk about illness, as I already told you. It is one of the topics we are not open about, so I’m able to relate. However, you should also not do yourself harm, trying to conceal what ails you, especially to someone who already knows. In any case, you need not worry, Sara Ryder. Now that you have managed to rouse yourself from your state I’m convinced the stories of your formidability were not exaggerated.

Yours,

Jaal

*******

**Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: A Communication from Jaal**

To: Jaal  
From: Sara Ryder

Hey,

You had a lot of influence over me waking up, you know? You kept me going and you gave me that last little push I needed to get out of it. I won’t ever forget that. I really like that I’m able to finally talk to you. 

Please never mention Scott’s genitals or any use thereof, pleasing or not, in my presence again or I will plan a surprise trip to Kadara for us. I’m not joking.

It’s nice, the way you talk about family. But, no offense, when you tell me that I’m already part of your family, I have a hard time believing that. You don’t really know me yet and also, it feels like cheating, kind of? I haven’t done anything to deserve what you are offering so …

I can’t wait until I get out of here. I really hope Scott will let me join his crew. I may still be pissed at him, but I still want to go out there and explore this galaxy right beside my brother, you know?

Take care.

Sara

 

*** 

**Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: A Communication from Jaal**

To: Sara  
From: Jaal

Sara,

I like knowing this. Thank you for telling me. I really enjoy talking to you, too.

I shouldn’t have supplied you with my weak spot. I’m already regretting everything.

Family is not about deserving. It’s about taking care of and needing each other. In Lexi’s medical materials I have learned that humans need other beings to survive and to function well. Don’t deny yourself what is offered freely.

There is no “letting” when it comes to you joining the Tempest. We all knew it would happen from the start. As far as we are concerned, you are already a member of the crew.

Jaal

* * *

It was about a week later when Sara decided to go rogue.

Ever since the _Tempest_ had taken off again, Harry had dialed up his mother hen act, as if to compensate for the fact that Scott was gone. He hardly ever let her leave the medbay, reading her statistics from PT back to her until she sat there, quietly fuming, but also resigned. She wasn’t making progress as fast as she would have liked. He kept telling her that overdoing it was causing more harm than it helped. Logically, she understood that. But her mind kept spinning in circles and she was dead set against making friends with any people they woke up from cryo. Aside from that, she had read the stories Jaal had sent her twice and discussed the ones she liked the most in depth with him.

She’d especially liked the one that had a girl find her true family in a bunch of yevara, transforming into one herself. It was all about finding one’s purpose and staying strong in the face of adversity. It was about perseverance. Though, it was a story that obviously resonated with the Angara, she felt that fit pretty well with what she had come to do here in Andromeda.

As fascinating an anthropological and personal study this had been, it was not enough anymore.

So, today? Today she had bailed while Harry was on lunch break.

It seemed childish even to her, to run away once her caretaker’s back was turned, but damn it all, she had no fucks left to give. If she could spend even an hour away from the disinfectant and beeping she would let herself be dragged back complacently.

But first she needed to see how far she would be able to make it until that happened.

Pretty far, it turned out.

She had made it all the way through the _Hyperion_ and onto the tram to the Nexus.

Honestly, she felt this was an accomplishment. She hadn’t ever been on the Nexus before and she’d been dying to come see it. This was where all the magic happened. Where command was sitting. Where all the angara were. A melting pot of species and all for her to explore. But first, she was going to Operations. She wanted to see what Foster Addison actually looked like before she started to plan anything. Yeah, she had told Jaal she wouldn’t, but she had always been an untrustworthy liar anyway.

Sara looked around and asked a helpful turian guy where she might find Addison and then slowly went up the stairs, starting to feel the exercise she’d gotten a little. But it wasn’t all that bad yet. She could still keep going.

Or she would have, had there not been someone calling her name.

“Sara Ryder.”

She looked to her right and saw what had to be a female krogan (had she ever seen one before?) going by the pitch of her voice and by the way her crest looked noticeably different from any male krogan Sara had ever met.

“Can I help you?” she asked her, kind of glad, kind of disappointed her plan had been disrupted.

“Would you come into my office for a bit? I’ve been meaning to talk to you,” she told her, stepping away from the door frame she had been leaning against and emphasizing her wish by indicating for Sara to come inside with a nod of her head.

“Uh. Sure. Why the hell not,” Sara said, abandoning her quest for petty revenge for the moment and following this far more promising prospect.

What would she even have done to Addison? Yell at her? Scott had told her that she had corrected his grammar and told her that she was not his new mommy in almost the same breath. Which … come to think of it that sounded pretty awesome, actually.

Looking around, she stepped into the woman’s office, taking in the boxes and clutter in the corner and then looking to the krogan standing behind a console herself.

“I’m Kesh. I’m the superintendent around here.”

Sara let out a whistle. “Pretty important job.”

“It’s a pain in my ass, mostly. But if someone has to do it, it may as well be me,” she said drily and Sara had to grin. 

“That way, you can make sure nobody fucks it up,” Sara added, completely understanding, and her response let Kesh shoot her a grin as well.

“You get it.”

Kesh walked to the cupboards in the back and opened one of them, taking a box out.

“I like you. You want some Girl Scout cookies? It’s Galaxy Swirls.”

Sara’s eyes went wide. “Shut up! Where did you get those?” She instantly walked closer and took one from the box only taking a small nibble of it, slightly moaning because she hadn’t been able to get any junk food under Harry’s strict supervision. Kesh popped a whole one into her mouth but then seemed to start sucking on it as if it was a hard candy.

“People brought a lot of shit from the Milky Way. Some of those people want to suck up to me.”

“Maybe they just appreciate what you’re doing. Scott told me you were pretty cool,” she told Kesh around a mouthful of cookie crumbs.

Scott had kind of summarized the big shots at the Nexus with the words “stick up his ass” (Tann), “finds something wrong with everything I do” (Addison), “decent guy, would have a drink with him” (Kandros), and “awesome woman, was really trying to make me feel welcome” (Kesh). That was pretty much the extent of what she knew, safe for Addison, because she had wanted to know more about the person who had made Scott’s early days harder for him.

“Are you sucking up to me now?” Kesh asked skeptically, eyeing the box with consideration and then shrugging, before taking another cookie out.

As she offered it to Sara too, she grinned and took a second cookie, literally cherishing it so fucking much. “Nah.” She held up both hands, each one holding a cookie, one whole and one half eaten. “I just really appreciate what you’re doing.”

Kesh snorted, putting the box back in the cupboard before turning back to Sara.

“How is conscious life treating you? Heard you were awake all this time during your coma. That’s pretty rough.”

“Yup,” she simply stated. She had no desire whatsoever to go over this again. She had cookies. That was far more important.

“Are you doing some – what is it called? Physic therapy?” Kesh asked her, which made Sara look at her in surprise.

“How do you even know about physical therapy? Krogan don’t need that, do they?”

Kesh shook her head. “No. Our muscles don’t atrophy like the ones of you squishies. But you hear things, once you are in command of enough of them.”

Sara had the childish impulse to stick out her tongue at Kesh, but she managed to suppress it. The woman had given her cookies. She had to respect that.

“Yeah, I’ve been doing a bunch of that. But I have the day off today, so I thought I’d check out the Nexus. See was Addison is up to.”

“Addison?” Kesh seemed surprised. “What would you want to do with her?”

“I had some things in mind. I was going to decide when I got there.” Sara ate the last bit of her second cookie, looking at her hands a bit forlornly, before raising her gaze to look into Kesh’s sharp ones.

“That sounds like a poorly thought out plan,” she remarked.

“It was an adventure away from the medbay. And I didn’t really have time to think it through, but that doesn’t matter. I’m quick on my feet. I’m sure I would have come up with something, but I had to scope out the enemy first.”

The corners of Kesh’s broad mouth twitched. “If I contacted your doctor right now, he would have no idea as to your whereabouts, would he?”

Busted.

Sara smiled her best, most endearing smile. “But you won’t do that, will you?”

“I’m tempted. But I’m more interested in seeing how long it takes them until they figure out you’re gone.”  Kesh had a certain air around her, like she was perpetually herding cats and had grown to feel resigned over the fact that it was an impossible task that included mayhem and destruction every day.

“I so appreciate that.”

Sara sat herself down on one of the boxes while Kesh leaned against the wall. They stared at each other for a bit, before Sara snorted, and idly looked around her office again. 

“I’m not disturbing your work or anything, am I? Because I can totally go and see what I could do with Addison if you don’t actually have time for this.”

“Psh. Please. If I didn’t want you to be here I wouldn’t have called you in.” Kesh crossed her arms in front of her chest, looking at Sara thoughtfully. “To be honest, it is a nice change, not having to talk about work sometimes. Since my grandfather joined the Pathfinder and his crew I’ve seen him more than usual but they don’t dock here that often.”

Sara raised both eyebrows, surprised. “Drack is your grandpa?”

Kesh let out a low laugh. “More of a father, actually. He adopted and raised me. But he is too damn old to be called anything but a grandfather.”

“How old is he then?”

“Over a thousand. Shows what we krogan can achieve when we don’t manage to kill each other off first.”

“Wow.” That number stumped Sara. She’d known that asari frequently got that old but krogan? Learn something new every day, huh?

“He must have seen it all, basically,” she fished.

Kesh smirked. “Want some stories?" 

“Please.”

As it turned out it took Harry an additional half our and another cookie each for Kesh and Sara (Kesh had wandered over to the cupboard again after about fifteen minutes, telling Sara she had a weakness for this particular brand) before he came storming in and demanding in no uncertain terms that Sara had to come back to the medbay now, and no back talk!

“You won’t mind if I come stick my head in here again, will you?” Sara asked Kesh, rubbing the last crumbs away from her fingers and getting up.

“Come by whenever you want. I don’t get that many breaks, anyway.”

And even though Harry kept telling her that she couldn’t pull shit like this, Sara felt like it was pulling shit like this that got her somewhere in the first place. That was the way she had met Jaal and it was the way she had met Kesh.

Making a friend on the station?

Check.

* * *

**You never showed your face**

To: Peebee B’Sayle  
From: Sara Ryder

Hey, Peebee!

Since you didn’t swing by my sickbed while you were still docked, I have to do this in writing.

I wanted to say thanks for talking to me while I was out. It was really nice hearing something different than the machines beeping and boring people bemoaning the fact that they are awake.

Next time you’re on the Nexus, let’s meet, okay? I’m going to hug you, whether you want to or not.

Sara

 

***

**You couldn’t take my face**

To: Sara Ryder  
From: Peebee B’Sayle

Hi Sara,

Since I am very beautiful, I would probably have blinded you. And with you so recently awake I didn’t want to do that to you. You know I got Jaal believing that this “goddess” asari refer to is actually me? That’s how pretty I am.

Anyway, it wasn’t like I thought you were actually listening. So, no need to thank me or whatever.

Enjoy your awakeness.

Peebee

 

*** 

 

**Dearest Goddess, hear my prayer**

From: Sara  
To: Peebee

If you have time during all your important duties as a goddess, I would like to inform you that Jaal did not believe you for a second. That is not to say you aren’t pretty. I asked SAM to send a picture and I have to say you are really rocking that face paint.

Also, it doesn’t matter if you thought I could hear you or not. It helped. That’s a fact.

Besides that, I hear you have managed to reprogram a remnant observer and I so want to see that. I’ve been dying to look at rem-tech, but I’m still kind of bedridden, so no dice.

Did Scott tell you I’m an archeologist?

 

***

**Re: Dearest Goddess, hear my prayer**

To: Sara  
From: Peebee

My minion,

Now we’re talking.

I’ll be by.

Anything you want to know about POC right now?

* * *

 

Once there was a girl named Lahiis.

She was considered very odd among her peers as she had little interest in any of the pursuits her friends did and was unable to find comfort within the arms of her family. None of her mothers knew what to do about her situation and many a family meeting was held to try and ease her obvious unhappiness.

Though she was appreciative of her family’s efforts, she knew that they were in vain. Nobody understood what ailed her and it is known that one cannot solve a problem if one cannot understand it. Lahiis, who was wise for her age, already knew this very well and tried to dissuade her family from wasting their time.

But they kept trying, as families must, and Lahiis did not blame them for it. She knew they wanted only to help, futile as it was. None of the mothers could decide on the best course of action and in the end Lahiis left, ostensibly to study, but in reality, she wanted to give her family some reprieve from their constant fretting.

The planet she lived on was made of waters so pure, one could look clear through them at the beach. Lahiis had never seen the water before. She had led a sheltered life, only ever seeing the mainland, which was beautiful in its own right. But it did not hold Lahiis’ attention as the water did. People differ in this. Some like the mainland with its solidity and wildness. Others like the water, with its ever changing nature and strength. Our people are many and it is well that we are not all the same.

To Lahiis, the water felt like coming home. Within a few moments she felt her restless spirit ease. When she heard the call of the creatures we call yevara today, she felt something inside of her awaken. This was where she needed to be. This was her purpose, her meaning of life.

She stepped into the liquid and felt herself change, her body recognizing what her soul had known all along. As she immersed herself in the water, she joined her brothers and sisters of old, finally finding her true family, the family of past lives, again.

Just as clear as the water was, was Lahiis’ knowledge that this was what she had been looking for. Just as strong as the waves crashed in, was her certainty that this was where she belonged.

Joyfully, she answered her family’s call. Looking back with a mourning eye to the ones she left behind, but looking forwards with a glad one into the future she now cherished. She was strong enough to leave the past behind and could see clearly enough to know what lay in front of her.

This is why, to this day, we tell each other to stay strong and clear. To remind ourselves that finding one’s destiny requires strength in the face of sacrifice and clarity of vision when met with clouds. 

* * *

**Cookie Monster**

To: Kesh  
From: Sara

I got my hands on a box of Crescent Stars. I mean, it’s not Galaxy Swirls, but still …

Wanna share?

Sara

*******

**Re: Cookie Monster**

To: Sara  
From: Kesh

Pop by sometime around 1500. I have a meeting with Addison’s assistant Spender and I will need something to cheer me up afterwards.

Kesh

*******

**S.O.S. HELP ME!**

To: Sara  
From: Scott

I need to call you! I’m freaking out and I need to talk to someone but if I tell anyone on the Tempest, Gil WILL know and I don’t want that. Are you up?

 

***

 

**I MEAN IT SARA**

To: Sara  
From: Scott

Please, whatever the hell you’re doing, it can wait, call me!

 

***

 

**!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!**

To: Sara  
From: Scott

SARA!

 

* * *

 

“Sara!”

“Scott!” she yelled back, still bewildered what could be so important at seven in the morning. She’d woken up to his mails, one more urgent than the other, and had dragged herself to her quarters, asking SAM to patch her through to the _Tempest_ to make a vid call.

“Are you abusing your powers as Pathfinder now to make calls like this? Where are you even?” she asked him, wrapping her arms around herself. She always felt a little chilly in the mornings.

“Who cares?” Scott was running up and down in front of her, walking in and out of the picture, visibly agitated.

“Woah, what’s going on?” He finally had her worried about his pacing. She’d thought he had been overreacting with the way his mails were written but what if something really was seriously wrong?

“Gil!”

“Where?”

“No!” he yelled out, apparently frustrated and Sara held up her hands, unwinding them from her middle.

“Well, I’m sorry, but you’re not giving me much to go on.” She licked her lips and pursed her lips. “It has something to do with Gil, whatever it is?”

Scott finally stopped, bracing his hands on the table an leaning into the picture. “Gil. Asked me to have a baby with him.”

Sara blinked. But then she couldn’t help letting out a little snort and pressed her hand to her lips to hide her smirk. But Scott wasn’t fooled.

“Are you finding this funny? Because I’m not.” He seemed to sink lower, maybe into a crouch, and but his arms on the table in front of him, burying his face in them. This way, only his arms and head were visible.

“I’m sorry, Scott. But I thought he had broken up with you or cheated on you or something. Comparatively, this is kind of nice.”

“It’s not nice! I don’t know if I want a _baby_. I don’t know if I want a baby _yet_.” Scott dug his face back up und stared imploringly at Sara and she felt the acute pressure to say something wise or reassuring.

“But you do know that you’d want a kid with _Gil_? Because you left that out, bro.”

Scott opened his mouth but then closed it again, looking dumbfounded. Ah, yes. Success.

Sara lifted an eyebrow. “You can actually imagine having a family with him?”

Scott slightly shook his head and licked his front teeth behind closed lips, as he did when he was thinking hard about something. “I don’t know, Sara. This question kind of came out of nowhere for me. I mean, I knew his best friend Jill was a fertility specialist and that she had him thinking about the kid question. But I had no idea he wanted to do this with _me_. And so soon, Sara. We haven’t been together for more than half a year. This is crazy.”

“I guess, he’s pretty serious about you,” Sara supplied, trying to get into Scott’s headspace. What would she do in his situation? But she couldn’t really imagine it. She’d never been in love with someone and she’d never met anyone she could imagine herself being with long-term. Well, maybe she had now, but that information was still pending.

Scott clicked his tongue, a frustrated sound that made her feel a pang of sympathy for him. “I’m serious about him, too. I just don’t understand why he has to bring a baby into the mix right now.”

“Well, he must have told you why he wants a baby. I mean, he can’t have just demanded to have one without context.” Sara was trying to approach this from a rational angle, since Scott seriously needed to stop freaking out about this. Sure, emotions were a big part of this decision, but Scott’s were being more of a hindrance than help right now.

“He’s searching for a purpose. He’s always been drifting and now he wants to find his thing and stick with that.” Scott finally let his gaze wander back to Sara’s and stared forlornly into her eyes.

“And he thinks a kid might be it? A kid with _you_?” Okay, she probably should dial down the skepticism in her tone, but this was coming too fast for her to process it. Heavens only knew how Scott was feeling.

“Apparently. I just never really thought about it. In vague terms, yeah. It always thought _someday_. In the _future_. When I’m _older_. Do you see how abstract I was being? If we decide to have a child now, it’ll be less than a year. That’s soon. That’s not abstract at all.” He grimaced a little. “I don’t know. What do you think?”

Sara returned his expression. “Does it matter what I think? Being an aunt is hardly as much responsibility as being a dad is.”

“Of course it matters! Because I don’t have any idea what to think about this and I seriously need some pointers from you.” He sounded so damn helpless. Sara shouldn’t have liked it. Sara should have been worried and seeing her brother like this should have made her feel sad. But fuck, he needed her and that felt amazing.

She worried her lip for a bit, thinking. “I guess you have to think about what a kid could give you. I mean, if you do this, there is no undoing it. You’ll always be a dad. You can’t stop being that. It’ll also tie you to Gil forever and if you’re not sure about him, then you shouldn’t do it.”

Scott sighed. “Gil is the one thing I’m _not_ unsure about. I’ve never been in love like this. I thought I was. With Heron. But now I know it wasn’t quite the same. Whatever happens, I want to stay with him. That’s also why I’m afraid. What if I say no and he leaves me because of that?”

“Then he’s an idiot,” Sara bit out, maybe a little too viciously, considering that Gil had done nothing of the sort yet. “It’s not a definite no, is it? You could tell him you want to wait for a bit. It doesn’t have to be off the table. You can just postpone it for some years. Until things have settled down.”

Her brother shook his head, finally getting up from whatever weird position he had put himself in and crossed his arms, looking down to her. “Maybe. I don’t know. I think he really wants this.”

“And you want to give that to him,” Sara guessed and her brother nodded.

It was a convoluted kind of situation. But Scott had to work through it somehow. If it was that important to Gil, it could become a sore point between them. Even the best relationships could end if one of the partners didn’t get something vital to them because their partner denied them. But Scott should also not make such a decision based completely on what Gil wanted, disregarding his own wishes. In the end, he would only resent Gil for it.

“I guess, you’ll have to think about what life would be like with a kid. Are you going to keep being Pathfinder? Is Gil going to stay on as part of the crew? Who will look after the kid? You don’t want to become Dad, being absent all the time. You’d have to give up a bunch of things, but you’d also gain something, you know? You just have to find out if what you gain is worth more than what you lose.”

“I know,” he sighed, rubbing his eyes with the thumb and forefinger of one hand. “I like being Pathfinder. It’s stressful, yeah. But it’s also exciting, to see all these new things. To establish outposts and make contact with people. I’m not sure I’m ready to give it all up, yet.”

“Then tell Gil that,” Sara urged him, glad that Scott didn’t want to become their Dad just as much as Sara didn’t want it to happen to her. Alec Ryder may have been a great man, a genius, even. But he hadn’t been much of a father.

“You’re right.” He licked his lips, looking about forlornly at something she couldn’t see. “I suppose it was fantastical to think there would be a quick fix for this.” He smiled humorlessly. The sight made Sara scrunch up her face in sympathy.

“No quick fixes for the big questions in life,” she told him with a helpless shrug. She could act as a sounding board to him. But in the end, he’d have to make the decision for himself.

“Yeah.” He tugged on the hem of his shirt, seemingly trying to pull himself together. “Yeah,” he repeated, looking tired and kind of worn.

“Maybe sleep on it?” she suggested, not sure on what kind of schedule they were running.

“Nah. I can’t. I have to meet with some people in … twenty minutes. Shit.” He shook his head. “I really wish you weren’t this far away.”

“You and me both, Scotty.” Sara  smiled wryly at him and he returned it.

“I have to go now. Thanks for listening, sis.”

“Always.”

 

* * *

 

**Re: Re: A Communication About My Sister’s Crush**

To: Jaal  
From: Sara

Jaal,

I still don’t know what to say to this, honestly. I mean, I know neither Teviint nor Akksul personally, but it still feels kind of wrong?

Do you know if he has any feelings for her? I’m not sure why I want to know, because I don’t know which answer would make the situation better.

Also, he shot you. That should put an end to the whole affair.

Sara

 

***

 

**Re: Re: Re: A Communication About My Sister’s Crush**

To: Sara  
From: Jaal

Sara,

I don’t know what to tell you. Teviint is feeling exceptionally bad, because she still has feelings for him. The fact that he shot me troubles her, but apparently does not make her feelings any less ardent. My true mother says that she has been having a hard time of it.

As for Akksul, sadly, I have no insight into his heart. I have to admit to some surprise, though. After reading Romeo and Juliet because of Liam’s suggestion, I thought that humans found the notion of star-crossed lovers romantic. Is that not the case with you?

Jaal

 

***

**Re: Re: Re: Re: A Communication About My Sister’s Crush**

To: Jaal  
From: Sara

Jaal,

Wow, he really left an impression on her, did he? Or is it just hero worship?

And no, I do not find that romantic at all. What is romantic about two teenagers killing themselves because of misunderstandings and a family feud? You know what I find romantic? Living happily together, with no situations where either of the people involved in the relationship gets maimed, hurt, or killed because of their love. I like romances where couples live happily ever after, loving each other until the day they die of old age, no matter the arthritis or cataracts. That’s what I find romantic.

Still, bummer for your sister. Are there any other eligible angara around that could divert her attention?

Sara

 

***

 

**Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: A Communication About My Sister’s Crush**

To: Sara  
From: Jaal

Sara,

I’m sure some of it might be hero worship, though I’m not certain that is all. Teviint is off age and I think she is capable of differentiating between infatuation and true feelings. I’m not sure how much time they spent together, but I think she got to know him on a more familiar basis. Perhaps she sees something that many of us don’t.

We have rather the same idea of what is romantic. I didn’t quite understand why Liam, and Cora as well, suggested that the play was one of the best love stories ever written. It was much too sad for my tastes. Love should be about joy and happiness. Why else would we crave it so much?

The mothers have been trying, believe me. I suppose it will take some time before she is ready to look elsewhere.

Jaal

*******

**Movie?**

To: Liam Kosta  
From: Sara Ryder

Hey, Liam,

I hear you’re the go to guy when it comes to movies. I’m boring myself to death here. Can you recommend anything? Ideally something with levity. I need a good laugh (for obvious reasons).

Also, sorry to hear about your eyebrows. A shame, that.

Hang in there, okay?

Sara

 

***

 

**Re: Movie?**

To: Sara Ryder  
From: Liam Kosta

Hey, Sara,

How are you doing?

Why do I detect some sort of schadenfreude in your literary tone?

I attached some suggestions.

Liam

_[attached are a few movies, all of the romantic comedy variety, including one vid revolving around the life of a recently widowed man who is being haunted by the ghost of the former proprietor of his new flat, who turns out to be in a coma]_

 

***

 

**Pretty please?**

To: Jaal  
From: Sara

Would you send me a pic of Liam without his eyebrows?

I need it for science.

 

***

 

**Re: Pretty please?**

To: Sara  
From: Jaal

Sara,

I sense you need this for nefarious reasons.

I approve.

Jaal

_[attached is a recent shot of Liam Kosta, whose eyebrows were burned off during a mysterious kitchen accident he wishes not to discuss]_

 

***

**Re: Re: Movie?**

To: Liam  
From: Sara

 _“_ Just Like Heaven”? Really? A little retro, wouldn’t you say?

Also, I wasn’t doing so well, but then I made this and now I’m happy again.

_[attached is a picture of Sara with a shit-eating grin, posing with a framed picture of Liam, for once scowling, into the camera without eyebrows]_

 

***

 

**A Communication from Jaal**

To: Sara  
From: Jaal

Sara,

Good Morning!

I hope the day will treat you well and the physical therapy will not be too stressful for you.

Jaal

 

***

 

**Re: A Communication from Jaal**

To: Jaal  
From: Sara

Good morning to you, too! PT should be fine. I’ve been having an easier time of it.

Shoot some stuff for me. My trigger finger is itching like you wouldn’t believe.

Sara

 

***

 

**Re: Re: Re: Re: Your family**

To: Jaal  
From: Sara

Okay, I give up. There are too many. I’ve saved your explanations but hot damn. What do you do with that many family members? Don’t you ever feel claustrophobic? What about introverted angara? I can’t imagine they would enjoy being around so many people. 

I think I’d like your true mother, as well as your other mother Chasind and your sister Etta. Finn as well. Honestly, it sounds like I’d love them all. (Not sure about Teviint, though).

Sara

 

***

 

**Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Your family**

To: Sara  
From: Jaal

Sara,

The trick about family is that you need to give each other what is required. If you need space, then that’s what family gives you. If you need comfort, then that’s what you get. Family is a way to insure that everybody has several somebodies to rely on. Family gives you what you need. And because you don’t always get along with your closest siblings it is good to have several. The same is true for mothers and fathers. There may be issues your true mother does not understand or that you feel you cannot talk to her about. In that case, you have other mothers for that.

I can’t imagine what it must be like for you, to have so little family left.

While we are talking about this topic: do you have any idea what is happening with your brother? He has been agitated of late, but insists that he is fine. If you aren’t allowed to tell, please don’t betray his confidence for my sake. I’m simply worried.

Jaal

 

***

**Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Your family**

To: Jaal  
From: Sara

Hm. I didn’t think about it that way. Family has always been such a convoluted issue for both Scott and I. And we almost never had situations where we couldn’t talk to each other, so most of the time it wasn’t even a problem that we mostly only had each other. But I get what you mean. After the whole thing with my coma, I was pissed at him, but had nobody to talk to about it, you know? I’ve got Kesh for that now, even if she is far too rational for a krogan, if you ask me.

It isn’t a good situation, with both Mom and Dad dead. But I have Scott and I will find and build a new family here. I don’t even know what it would be like to have such a big family as you do. But I would like to see what that looks like someday.

Ah, I’m not sure I’m allowed to tell you. Scott didn’t say anything about keeping it quiet but if he didn’t tell you … He said he is afraid to talk to any of you about it, because he thinks you will go tell Gil. So, I’ll say that it’s about Gil and it isn’t something bad, necessarily. They just have to work through it and come to a decision and that will take some time.

Sara

 

***

 

**Re: Re: Re: Re: A Communication from Jaal**

To: Sara  
From: Jaal

Sara,

I’ll be going to bed now. The day has been unusually long and I’m quite tired. There is nothing like days spent around fresh air to guarantee a good night’s sleep.

As always, I’ve been shooting things for you. I fired several rounds into an Eiroch today.

Good night,

Jaal

 

***

 

**Incoming**

To: Sara  
From: Scott

Sis,

Hold onto your seat, because we’ll be back at the Nexus tomorrow!

You want to meet for lunch?

Scott

 

* * *

 

It had been three weeks during which Sara had busied herself with her PT, visiting Kesh, and reading as much about angaran culture as she could. There hadn’t been much published yet, but the angara staying at the Nexus were eagerly filling in all the blanks, loving the cultural exchange. If she didn’t understand something, she simply could ask Jaal and could be sure that he was telling the truth most of the time. She was still wary because of the marriage song incident. There was no reason he couldn’t pull a prank like that on her.

Both Kesh and Jaal had made her loneliness so much easier. Though she sometimes felt she went by Kesh’s office far too often, she really liked her and her no-nonsense, down to earth mentality. Whenever Sara felt abandoned by her brother one way or another, and knew that she simply couldn’t tell Scott about her feelings, without hurting him further, she could go to Kesh. Kesh would give her a gentle kick in the ass and Sara got a hold of herself again. In any case, it was nice, being able to vent to someone who knew her brother, but wasn’t first and foremost his friend.

That was also the reason why she couldn’t talk to Jaal about it. He had already felt so conflicted over being angry at Scott for never visiting. She couldn’t put that on him as well. The two of them were friends and telling Jaal how Scott had made her feel would probably not help with any of that.

But aside from not being a sounding board for her frustrations about her brother, Jaal had been an absolute delight to know. Which sounded super cheesy and maybe it was the heart-eyes she got whenever she so much as thought about him, but he, too, had become a friend. They had sent several communications to each other every day while he had been gone, safe for some days where he had been out in the field with her brother. But even then he would shoot her a missive in the morning and in the evening. She liked how they always said good morning and goodnight to each other. It had become a little ritual between them that she could count on and looked forward to.

And today they were all coming back and she had a standing date to meet Scott and Gil for lunch in their quarters. She’d also talked to Jaal and they had agreed to meet up tomorrow. Peebee was supposed to show her godlike face at one point, so she was really, really looking forward to that.

New people! Fresh conversations! No Harry! (Or less Harry, in any case).

It couldn’t have been better.

Except that Harry, in a last fit of mother hennish pique, had decided that she was due for a physical the moment the _Tempest_ was about to arrive.

Apparently, he couldn’t bear her being out of his grasp for too long, so he had to make sure to prick and prod her now, before she vanished, maybe for a whole day, horror of horrors, to talk to her brother.

Sara really had been looking forward to seeing them all disembark. She’d been thinking of maybe hugging Jaal again. While in human culture it maybe would have been a tad too much, angara liked the hugging and Sara had been totally ready to exploit that.

But now it was too late, Jaal was already heavens knew where, and it was only fifteen minutes until Sara’s lunch meeting with Scott and Gil, so she decided to simply walk to their shared apartment. Anything else would have made no sense and it wasn’t like she wasn’t looking forward like crazy to see her brother. It was just that she had wanted to see Jaal, too.

While taking the tram to the docking bay, Sara kept hoping that she would see him on her way to Scott’s. Yes, she’d see him tomorrow anyway, but that kind of felt like not enough. She wanted to see him today, too, even if that meant participating in such a cliché as a meet-cute.

To think that she had feared actually talking to him would make her like him less. It was idiotic. She was an idiot, plain and simple, for even considering the idea that Jaal could mean nothing to her. If there were infinite numbers of Saras and Jaals around, all living in parallel universes, Sara was sure that in each of them, Jaal was at least something to her. And she pitied those Saras who had stayed in the Milky Way or died.

It was probably because she was thinking about wanting it so much that it didn’t happen. She saw a few angara around, as always, their loud voices drawing her gaze. But no Jaal.

Inwardly rolling her eyes at herself and the anticipation she’d felt at something she knew was unlikely to happen, she took the stairs up to where Gil and Scott lived these days.

But the second she entered, she knew something had to be wrong.

Scott was alone, staring at a datapad he was holding. That in itself wasn’t unusual. But the hunched over way he was sitting, paired with the fact that Gil wasn’t here, made Sara wonder.

“Hey, Scott,” she greeted him and he flinched, head spinning towards her direction, eyes wide.

“Sara, hey. Sorry, you startled me.” He licked his lips and put the datapad down to get up and greet her. He gave her a firm hug and lingered in her arms for a bit before he was ready to let go. She’d noticed that was  a habit he had developed. While they had always been huggy twins, up in each other’s business, their hugs had been playful and quick most of the time. But now it seemed that every time they embraced, Scott tried to draw it out a little.

“You weren’t at the docks. I thought maybe something had happened?” he asked her, taking a step back and gesturing towards the kitchen table he’d been sitting at previously.

Sara rolled her eyes. “Harry decided I needed to get checked out right then and there. He’s been extra clingy lately,” she told him while she sat down on the opposite side of the white table. “Is everything okay with _you_? You seem out of sorts.”

He shook his head. “It’s nothing. Nothing new, anyway.”

Sara frowned, taking in her brother’s downtrodden state. “Where is Gil?”

He laughed, a little strained. “You always did get right towards the core of the matter.”

“Is it because of the baby thing?”

“Yeah,” he sighed, propping his elbow on the table and leaning his face on his hands. “I’m still not sure what to do. And, I mean, Gil is not acting awful or anything. He says it makes sense that I should think about it. He’s had time to think about it, after all. But I don’t know …” he trailed off.

“What don’t you know?” Sara pressed, though as gently as she could.

He blinked rapidly a few times, seemingly gathering his thoughts. “It just feels like I’m letting him down? Like he can’t be happy with this limbo situation we are in right now. And I keep catching him look at baby stuff. We docked at Aya for a bit, because I had to talk to the curator of the museum there, and at the market we saw some toys and things.” Scott shrugged.

“Have you told him that you feel that way?” Sara asked.

“Yeah. He insists I’m worrying over nothing.”

“Maybe you could try believing him?” Sara suggested, not knowing what else to say. She had no idea at all how she would handle this situation. She didn’t think she would be in this situation any time soon. They all had known that they probably had to have kids, being settlers and all. But that had lain so far in the future. I had been an abstract concept, like Scott had said. This was far too real. Sara would rather have shot some kett than thought about this in depth when it came to herself.

“Would you believe it? If your partner said they really wanted a baby, to finally have a purpose in life, and you tell them, nah, maybe not? And then they keep telling you to take your time?” Her brother regarded her with a highly skeptical look on his face.

“Point taken.” She looked around. The apartment was a cozy place, not actually made for two people. It didn’t consist of much more than a bed, a couch, and a small kitchen area. They’d definitely have to find a new place if they had kids. “Doesn’t explain where Gil is, though.”

“He went to get the food. I forgot, Addison kept bugging me about … something I’m not supposed to tell you. It also has to do with babies, so that’s been fun for me.”

“Never let it be said that trouble doesn’t like company,” Sara said unhelpfully. But she didn’t know what else to add. All she could think of were things that Scott very likely had already thought himself. He’d have to find out what he wanted. Even if Gil was telling the truth and didn’t begrudge Scott his thinking time, which Sara actually thought was likely, Scott was stressing over this.

“Have you been thinking about anything else, since he asked you?” she wanted to know to find out Scott’s actual level of obsession.

“Of course. I’ve had to. We had missions to run, people to save. But it’s always in the back of my mind, you know? Nagging.” He tapped his skull with the flat of two of his fingers. “I just want to make a decision and be done with it. I hate it when something like this just floats around in my mind.”

“I get that. I get that it sucks. But maybe you just let if float for a bit until you come to a decision. Like, letting it soak or something. Ripen.”

“Ripen?” Scott asked her, small grin on his face.

“Shut up. It works for me. We have the same DNA, so it might work for you as well. Just … let it lie. Maybe there will be a moment when it clicks. If there isn’t, you can blame me and go back to running in circles, driving both Gil and yourself insane.”

“You’re probably right. You’re annoying that way,” he huffed, straightening up and moving his head from side to side to make his spine pop.

“Urgh. Stop, you know I hate that,” she told him, cringing even more when Scott let the joints in his finger pop obnoxiously as well.

“If I don’t do it, it feel weird, you know that,” he said not at all apologetically.

“Why did I miss you again?” she asked him, lips quirked downwards in a pejorative way.

“You can’t help yourself. I’m adorable.”

Sara considered telling him that any babies he would have with Gil would be even more adorable, but she decided against it. She’d only just gotten him out of his funk and didn’t want to destroy her achievement.

“How long are you staying at the Nexus anyway? I don’t think you’ve told me.”

He grimaced, getting up and walking to the sink to get himself a drink of water. “Only three days. You want one, too?”

Perplexed, Sara shook her head both to the offer and the revelation. “Three days? But that’s practically nothing!”

Scott took a sip and nodded repeatedly. “Yeah, I know. We almost didn’t come back at all but I had to talk to Professor Herik and the others. Things are getting … serious. With the kett and all.”

“Oh. You’re close to defeating the Archon?” she asked, kind of numb in the face of this news.

“We’re close to finding something he wants. Shit, I wish I could tell you. But Tann et cetera are afraid something will get out so we aren’t supposed to tell. Not that you would blab, I know, but …”

“No, I understand,” Sara interrupted him. “It’s classified. I know how that is.”

“I’m already being like Dad and I don’t even have a kid yet.”

Sara stood up and went into the little kitchen to look Scott in the eye and make him understand. “No, Scott. You aren’t being like Dad. It’s just part of the job. Let it go.”

She really needed him to understand that. There was a big difference between doing your job and neglecting everything else because your job consumed you. Their Dad had never learned to find a balance between family and work. There was no way Scott would end up like that too.

“I hope you’re hungry because I brought a ton of food,” Gil suddenly announced as he stepped through the door with a swish, holding two bags up.

Sara looked pointedly into Scott’s eyes, raising both eyebrows.

Her brother nodded, smile tugging at his lips.

“Good. Stop moping,” she whispered, before she went over to Gil to help him with the food.

She was ravenous.

 

* * *

 

This time, she couldn't sleep because of an entirely different reason. Why did Gil have to bring up the subject of babies? _God_.

 

* * *

 

It was stupid that she was nervous.

Knowing that didn’t help, though.

She hadn’t seen Jaal in over three weeks. Had they been just plain old friends, Sara wouldn’t have batted an eyelash at that. You could go three weeks without seeing an acquaintance. Three weeks without seeing Jaal felt a bit like anathema. Like she had been cooking up some dark ritual, something plain wrong, in the corner of her quarters. It just didn’t sit right with her.

Would she be less nervous if she had seen him more often? Or was nervousness and anticipation simply what he inspired in her? Not that it was all bad. What she felt wasn’t the kind of nerves you felt before a test or an important mission. It was a positive kind of queasiness that made her stomach do somersaults. But it was so bad that every once in a while a shudder took hold of her whole body. Her hands were like icicles and the little hairs on her arm kept rising to the occasion. She’d never had a reaction like that to the mere fact that she would be seeing someone in a few minutes. At this rate, actually being in Jaal’s presence would send her into cardiac arrest.

Sara was loitering around the front of the entrance of the cultural center, where Jaal had proposed they meet. She was wearing her same old hoodie and Initiative pants, had her hair in the same old ponytail as ever. She’d wanted to make an effort, but nobody here was wearing civvies and she had no idea what to do with her hair. In the end, she felt weird for even contemplating the idea to change anything about her usual appearance. Like she would jinx the whole thing if she actually made an effort, thinking it was a date. If she’d pretend this was just a meeting between two friends, maybe the universe would take pity on her, telling her well done for trying not to overdo it and reward her with a hot angaran writhing in her bed sometime in the near future.

This was stupid. She was stupid. Give Sara some things to shoot any day. Give her a puzzle to solve, sure. But this was too nerve-wracking. They had not covered this in school.  And her instincts didn’t help shit, either. All they were screaming at her was a mixture between ‘run’ and ‘tackle him’, neither of which seemed like an idea she actually wanted to pursue.

At this point she’d been standing around outside for five minutes but remembered that they hadn’t actually said if they would meet _outside_ the structure or inside. It was already a bit after the time Jaal had told her, so, slightly frowning, she turned around and entered the building, spotting Jaal almost immediately on the other side of the room. Making a low, annoyed sound at herself, she marched over to him.

“Sara,” Jaal greeted her loudly, smiling broadly at her.

“Jaal,” she replied in a much more moderate tone.

But suddenly she felt at a loss as how to greet him, while he leaned forward enthusiastically, only to stop abruptly. He hovered there with slightly raised arms and a sheepish expression on his face, while Sara ended up weirdly patting his upper arm, because she wanted to initiate some kind of contact but couldn’t decide exactly what she would do.

“Uhm, yes,” Jaal said and he probably had about just as much of an idea what that was supposed to mean as Sara.

Behind her an angaran woman went by, snorting and muttering something that sounded suspiciously like “humans”.

Sara had the irritable urge to whirl around and ask her what the hell that was supposed to mean, but she quenched it, closing her eyes a second, and then deciding to get over this awkward moment, and fast, smiled at Jaal again.

“How are you?”

“I’m well. We’ve been doing great work out there, but I also enjoy having a short break like this,” he answered her, settling into a more relaxed position and looking down at her amicably.

“All work and no fun isn’t your thing either, then?” she asked him.

“No,” he answered in this long, drawn out way of his. She hadn’t ever heard anyone talk the way he did. “But most people aren’t content only to work.”

“Nah. But I’ve known a bunch of salarians like that. And it’s not like work can’t be fun. Ideally.” She put her still cold hands into the pocket of her hoodie.

“True.”

“So, what are we doing?” she wanted to know, looking around a bit. She hadn’t come here on her own before, especially after she’d known that Jaal wanted to meet here. She’d liked the notion that he’d show her what he liked so much about this place so much more than going around exploring on her own, even though this was an anthropological goldmine.

“This is my favorite place on the Nexus. What’s yours?” he asked her a little abruptly, stumping her.

“Honestly, I have no idea. I haven’t been out much.” She shrugged, looking around a little. “But you’re right. This place is special.” She surveyed the room, which was mostly filled with angara, but also with salarians, asari, turians, and humans. They all came together here, learning about each other, talking, finding out where they were compatible. It was beautiful to see. “It’s actually really interesting. I heard that the Vis are really overselling the general niceness of all our species and only tell you about the bad stuff if you dig deeper. Kind of tells you a lot about what the Initiative is trying to accomplish here. Leave behind our sordid past and start anew. Even though it seems a little phony on the surface,” Sara said, while eying the Vis around.

“I have noticed this. As have the other angara. But since there seem to be no restrictions about any information and the VIs seem to tell the truth when asked, even if it is ugly, we are trying to see past the … chirpy tone of each of them,” Jaal told her, apparently amused.

“Okay, I want to witness this first hand. Come on,” Sara said decisively and made her way to the human VI, feeling that that would probably make her cringe the most. “Have you talked to this one, yet?” she asked Jaal, eying the see-through figure of a generic human male.

“Once. I’ve only just started learning more about humans. I felt that Liam was providing me with a lot of information already, so the other species were more interesting to me.”

“Are you telling me humans are boring?” she asked him, mock-frowning.

“No. All of you people are interesting. But the _Tempest’s_ crew is made up mostly of humans and I learned a lot through immersion.”

Sara nodded. “Makes sense.” She liked her lips. “Okay, let’s do this.”

It was even more horrific than she’d thought. She didn’t know if she should laugh or stare in horror but in the end, after the VI had told her all the surface information it was programmed to give her, she stood there doing both.

“Oh, my god. This is the most horrifying thing I’ve done since I woke up. I love it. This is so bad. Don’t they realize that this is the most unbelievable kind of propaganda?” she asked Jaal, broad grin on her face.

Jaal chuckled and shrugged. “Perhaps not. Maybe the person who programmed these had a lack of empathy on their side.”

“You can say that again. And why does he mention ice cream? Like, I love ice cream. But to tell someone about that out of context is a little weird. We aren’t that obsessed with it.”

Jaal let out a considering noise. “It does seem to be an important part of your culture. I heard a rumor from Vetra that there was going to be a vendor selling this ice cream sometime in the near future.”

Sara’s eyes went big. “Where? Are you sure? Ice cream makes the struggle worthwhile, you know?”

Jaal blinked at her and Sara realized that she had done a really bad job if she had been trying to convince him that her species wasn’t mad about the stuff. “I’m a little frightened right now.”

She grinned. “You should be. There will be masses of people trying to get the first scoop. If your people get their hands on some recipes, you could make a fortune.”

“I will inform the government immediately,” he told her solemnly but with a twinkle in his pretty, pretty eyes.

“They’ll give you a medal. For special services to the angaran people. Statues will be built. Everyone will want to have your babies. You won’t be able to set a foot outside your house without being swarmed,” Sara told him, nodding wisely.

“Since I apparently will be occupied with making babies, I’m sure I won’t mind the confinement.”

And while she laughed along with him, there was no ignoring the warmth that spread in the more southern regions of her body at hearing the words. Her mind flashed back to the times while she had still been in a coma, where she’d imagined what it would be like to lie naked in bed with him, all of him touching all of her. The warmth and intimacy of it. The pleasure. Another shudder went through her, though from a different reason than before. Now that she knew how big he was, what he looked like, it was even easier to imagine. But she had a feeling that the actual reality of him in such a situation would surpass anything her mind could come up with.

Jaal was looking at her intently, as if cataloguing every facial twitch and widening of eyes. They both sobered up and simply stood there for a moment. Blue meeting blue every once in a while. Different from before it wasn’t an awkward silence. Instead it was charged with something Sara hesitated to call possibility. What was he thinking about? He couldn’t be following the same train of thought as she was, right? That would be too good to be true.

She cleared her throat, dispelling the moment. “Do you think they’ll end up putting an angaran VI in here too?”

He made a thoughtful sound, surveying the room. “There is certainly enough space. And, as far as I’m informed, there are several species of the Milky Way not represented here, either.”

“True. There are no drell, quarians, volus, hanar or vorcha. Or batarians for that matter. I wonder what’s up with that.” It seemed a little like the Initiative favored certain species over others. But if that were the case, the Krogan probably wouldn’t have been represented here. “Maybe because they’re all on a different ark and none of them are on the Nexus.”

“I haven’t read up on any of the species you mentioned. Would you tell me more?”

With that warm gaze on her how could she say no? He could use those eyes as a weapon. She just hoped he’d never find out about this particular weak spot of hers. He could exploit that endlessly and she’d probably even like it.

“I mean, I’m not an expert, obviously. But I could tell you a bit.”

He smiled his close lipped smile again and Sara felt her heart stumble and fall inside her chest.

They spent most of the afternoon there, side by side, talking, and swapping stories. The longer she spoke with him, the more obvious it became that there were not that many differences between their cultures. Humans, angara, turians … they all wanted to live a happy life, were capable of forging bonds, loved their families. It was just the degree of everything that was different. Salarians placed great importance on family, but felt no desire for sexual entanglements. Turians felt emotions just as deeply as the angara, but chose to reign them in most of the time, much like humans did. But there was so much potential for them all to get along.

“Okay, okay. But there is one thing I’ve been wondering,” Sara said. The two of them had settled down against one of the walls on the floor, not minding the people bustling around them. They had been sitting in this position for so long Sara’s ass was actually starting to hurt, but she had no intention of getting up right now, so she simply changed position, so that her weight was mostly on her right thigh.

“And what is that?” Jaal had been sitting in the same position, legs stretched out, or as well as any angara could stretch them out with the way their calves curved backwards, arms sometimes crossed, or sometimes gesticulating wildly.

“Bioelectricity.”

“Yes?”

“What can you do with it? I mean, in the text I read it said, and I quote, “although all organisms produce a natural bioelectrical field, the angara produce an especially intense field and can exert fine control over it for purposes such as communication”. What does that mean?” She tucked a strand of her hair that had gotten lose from her hair tie behind her ear.

“It means exactly that. When we talk we often touch; you’ve probably figured out by now that we are a rather handy people compared to yours.” Sara nodded. “We can emphasize what we say by sending electric impulses to others. Depending on the emotion attached to it that can feel good or unpleasant. It can also happen involuntarily, when tempers get out of control or we feel embarrassed, or are overcome by a sudden jolt of love for someone.”

Sara was entirely intrigued. It must be nice to have this. There laid a certain security in being able to bodily experience what another person felt for you. Countless relationships could probably have been mended that way. On the other hand, relationships also had to do with trust and not enough security in the world could replace that. If you didn’t trust someone, sometimes even proof wasn’t enough.

“Show me.”

Jaal sat up a little straighter, considering her with obvious surprise but also something like joy in the way his whole body seemed to perk up. “You would want to try? I had the feeling it would maybe be too invasive for your people.”

“Did you ask someone and they said no?” She could imagine that some people would be uncomfortable with the prospect, but honestly, what harm could it do?

“No, I didn’t. You can all be very guarded with your own feelings. Asking you to experience some of mine seemed like … how do you say? Overkill?”

Sara made a thoughtful sound. She supposed sometimes it was better not to know what someone felt about you. Just like it could be reassuring to know someone really loved you, it could be devastating that somebody hated you, especially if you liked them.

Sara felt a little trepidation herself, now. She couldn’t rightfully know what Jaal felt for her exactly. How accurate was this system anyway? Could you pick out variations of feelings or could you just separate them into good, bad, and neutral? What if Jaal felt next to nothing for her? How would she take that?

Her heart started hammering in her chest and she felt coolness spread over the back of her head and down her neck, as if somebody had upended a bucket of cold water over her head. With a sudden clarity she realized that this moment could make or break her relationship with him, such as it was.

But she was part of the Pathfinder team, wasn’t she? She would face uncertainty, laugh in its face, and find as much certainty in it as she could.

“Show me anyway. You can’t back out now that you made me all curious,” she told him decisively.

Jaal fidgeted a bit, which honestly, looked far too endearing on a man as big as Jaal. But fuck if it didn’t endear him to Sara even more. With big men there was always the assumption around that they had to be hardened, stoic walls of muscle. That Jaal’s body housed such a sweet and caring heart made the package even more attractive to Sara. “Alright,” he finally acquiesced and Sara immediate turned her body towards him, kneeling beside his legs.

“Yes! Okay, how does this work? Do you need me to do something?” Now that she had decided to do this she was really eager to find out what it was all about.

“We need to touch. It’s more intense if the contact happens skin to skin, but I’m not sure if it wouldn’t be better first try it through clothes. I don’t want to hurt you.” He pressed his lips together and looked beseechingly into her eyes, wordlessly asking for her opinion on the matter.

But Sara had no interest in being carful right now.

“Go big or go home, right?” Sara shrugged. “The way I see it, it’s more probable that I won’t feel all that much.” So what if the real reason was that she wanted skin on skin contact with Jaal again, like she had last felt in the medbay during her coma? She couldn’t quite recall what that had been like anymore. She needed a refill; she was seriously running low.

“If you’re sure.”

“I’m sure. Off with those gloves.” When Jaal kept hesitating, obviously not sold on the idea, she put a hand on his thigh, squeezing slightly in what she hoped was a reassuring gesture. “Jaal, you won’t hurt me. And if you do I’ll tell you immediately.” She tilted her head to the side, trying to appeal to the part of him that she thought had to want this too. “And you can’t say you haven’t missed communicating like you usually do. I mean, I can’t respond, but it would be a piece of normalcy, wouldn’t it? And if we make sure that it isn’t harmful, maybe my brother and the others will let you do it to.”

What would it be like not to be allowed to use an entire repertoire of communication? Sara thought that it was probably comparable to not being allowed to use gestures or expressions while talking. They had to seem so inscrutable to Jaal at times. Like a person that said they were happy while not moving even one facial muscle.

“It’s true I’ve missed it.” He sighed. “Alright. You have convinced me. But if it hurts –“

“If it hurts I won’t play the hero. I will tell you to stop,” Sara promised and Jaal seemed to believe her, as he finally tugged off one of his gloves, revealing an effectively three-fingered hand. She offered him hers in return and he took it.

Ah, there it was again. Soft skin, that also felt a little rubbery under her fingers. His hands were dotted with little freckles, slightly darker than most of his skin color and akin to the pattern on his forehead.

“I’ll try to be gentle. I’ve actually rather good control over this,” he told her and just as Sara wanted to ask him if he was bragging, a soft tingle raced up her arm.

She flinched, more from surprise than anything. It didn’t hurt, but she had a hard time making out any particular kind of feeling from it.

It gave her goosebumps, however, and she felt her neck and cheeks flush. It was nice. She couldn’t quite describe it. But it was warm and a little fizzy. It reminded her of the way champagne looked in crystal glasses. Bubbly. Crisp.

Jaal fixed a searching look on her face, eyes wandering over the planes and valleys of it, ever so often shooting back to their joined hands, which made Sara realize that she was basically clutching his.

She breathed out and loosened her grip, letting the tension drain out of her.

“That was … tingly.”

He blinked, apparently perplexed. “Tingly?”

“Yeah, tingly. Like a little buzz. Is tingly good?” she asked him, because she thought it was, but maybe her body simply hadn’t been able to make sense of what it had been feeling.

Jaal, in any case, seemed disappointed. His mouth was turned down in a frown and he let go of her hand, looking away from her. With a sinking feeling in her chest she realized that this hadn’t gone the way it should have. Would have, had she been angaran. Something had been lost in translation and for the first time in her life she wasn’t happy, being who she was. But she stomped down that feeling. It wouldn’t do any good, lingering on things that couldn’t ever happen. She had to make do with who she was and what she had.

He finally seemed to have gathered his thoughts enough to ask her a question. “Did it feel good?”

Did that mean he had wanted to send her a good feeling? Or did it mean that she had felt the entirely wrong thing? Shit, this was maddening.

In any case, Sara decided to be honest and describe what she had felt as best she could. “It felt good. Nice. I felt a little drunk with it, maybe. Pleasantly buzzed, like when you had just a little to drink. A little lightheaded, even.”

“Hm.” He looked down at her fingers, which, as she now realized, where still hanging a bit uselessly in the air. She hastily drew her arm back to herself, flushing a little, and curling her hand into a fist that she placed on her thigh. What did ‘hm’ mean?

“What does that mean? Did something go wrong?” she asked him a little brusquely. She refused to believe that this had been a terrible idea after all. They could salvage this, get something out of it.

“Not wrong exactly. It just seems that human bodies perceive these things differently than angara. If you had touched me like this, it would have felt more than … tingly to me. It would have told me certain things.” Jaal drew his knees a bit further up, as if trying to shield himself from something, but from what, Sara had no clue. Was it her, he wanted to hide from? And his explanation had been super unhelpful and just as unclear as murky waters. What was he trying to say?

“What kinds of things?” She just really wanted to know. She had the feeling they were on the precipice of something big here. Of something that could change a lot if they just let it.

A bit of a war broke out on Jaal’s face. He grimaced, opened his mouth, then closed it again. He ended up studying Sara’s face and whatever he had to psych himself up for, whatever he was searching for, he seemed to find it in her eyes. Which was ironic, as Sara was running the risk of losing herself in his at the same time.

But before he could say anything, they were interrupted by Sara’s omni-tool pinging with an incoming call.

She flinched for the second time that day, lifting her arm to try and find out who exactly it was she had to murder.

“It’s Peebee,” she said darkly. First she didn’t want to talk to Sara at all while she was awake and now she decided to have bad timing? Maybe Sara had to rethink the whole hugging her business. “Should I pick up?” She really didn’t want to and was hoping Jaal would want her to herself a bit longer and would say no.

But Jaal simply nodded, though he looked supremely unhappy with that decision. A cloud had drifted to lie over his usually so sunny disposition and Sara didn’t like it one bit. She hated seeing him so broody. Jaal was generally speaking a happy person; even in the face of adversity he found points of light. Having had something to with putting him in this mood didn’t sit right with her.

“Hello?” she finally picked up with a bit of annoyance in her tone.

“Hey. Am I catching you at a bad time?” Peebee’s chirpy voice asked her.

“I don’t know how to answer that,” Sara settled on after thinking about it for a second.

“Wow. Intrigue. Anyway, I’m at Vortex and was feeling like company. Wanna come join me? We can talk rem-tech and you can finally put your paws on my gorgeous body, like you’ve been wanting to.”

Sara snorted in amusement despite herself. “I will not paw you. I’m with Jaal right now, though,” she told her, not wanting to ditch him, especially since she still wasn’t sure they shouldn’t keep talking about what had happened. About what had gone wrong.

“I love Jaal. Bring Jaal,” Peebee told her breezily.

“You want to come to Vortex with me and Peebee?” Sara asked Jaal, who instantly perked up.

What the hell did that mean? Sara had the sinking feeling that maybe it wasn’t a good idea to throw Peebee into the mix. Was there something going on between them? The asari had called Jaal attractive once, but Sara hadn’t thought anything of it. Had that been naïve of her? Shit.

“I could use the distraction. I’ll join you.”

Distraction from what? Her? How had she fucked this up already?

“We’ll both come,” she told Peebee, getting up on her legs while she was at it. If they were going to leave then they might as well go right now.

“Scott delivered some hops from Havarl to the bar some time ago. I bet the bartender is dying to see if he can mix a drink that will get an angara drunk.”

“Yay,” Sara said, sounding fake even to her own ears but while she was watching Jaal get to his feet, using his ungloved hand to steady himself on the wall during the process, she really couldn’t muster up a partying mood.

“See you there. I’m at the bar.”

Once the connection was dissolved she waited until Jaal’s hand had safely been tucked into his glove again, before striding wordlessly forwards.

She couldn’t help but feel like this was symbolic. Jaal had bared something of himself to her. Something had gone wrong. And now …

Now she was going to see if the Vortex bartender could get an angara drunk, apparently.

 

* * *

 

With much cursing he managed to actually do it. Jaal was a loud drunk. He sang.

Sara, twirling a flute of champagne between her fingers, simply realized with some sort of numb sensation that apparently, she found everything about him attractive, and she might as well stop being surprised at that.

Peebee fell asleep on the bar.

 

* * *

 

The next day, the _Tempest_ had left at sundown, because two members of its crew had had to sleep off a hangover.

During the goodbyes, Sara had simply drawn Scott into a hug, and told him that whatever he decided to do about Gil and the baby situation, she would be there for him all the way, until the end of the road.

She’d finally given a squirming Peebee a hug, no matter the idea that Jaal might have some sort of feelings for her and she for him. She’d been awesome last night and had taken both Jaal’s and her mind off what had happened for a few hours. That meant something.

She hadn’t been too bummed anyway, because she’d finally gotten another hug out of Jaal. It still made her smile when she thought about it. It was the first hug they shared that had not been borne out of desperation or hurt.

This wasn’t him taking care of her. This was them taking comfort in the other and hugging each other simply for the joy of doing so. He gave great hugs. They were warm and steady and strong. Some people hugged you and it felt like they were already preparing to be somewhere else, half there, half not. That wasn’t the case with Jaal. When he hugged you, you knew you had his full and undivided attention, that he was putting his all, everything he felt for you into it. It made her shiver, thinking about what that could mean for other situations and how overwhelmingly good it had to feel to be loved by him. In the end, Sara couldn’t help doing the same as he did. She squeezed him tightly, burrowing close and inhaling deeply. This was unlike any hug she had ever shared with another friend. Because he was unlike anyone she had ever known. And he deserved no less from her. The stress of the previous day seemed forgotten.

He gave it his all, so in her head, even though she was afraid and raw with this decision, Sara gave herself to him. All of her.

 

* * *

 

**Decisions, decisions**

To: Scott  
From: Sara

Hey bro,

Have you figured out what you want yet? I can imagine Gil kind of wanting to know. With it being life changing and all.

But seriously, I’m not pressuring you. I just want to be in the know.

Sara

 

***

 

**Re: Decisions, decisions**

To: Sara  
From: Scott

Sis,

I’m leaning towards yes at the moment. I don’t even know why I’m considering this. My life is so crazy already.

On the other hand, if my life is crazy already, I might was well add a bit more to it?

I don’t know.

Scott

 

***

 

 **Re: Re: Decisions, decisions**

To: Scott  
From: Sara

God, look at you being all mature.

Where did my little, wide-eyed baby brother go?

Don’t leave me behind in the dust!

But you better be sure whatever you decide.

 

***

 

**Re: Re: Re: Decisions, decisions**

To: Sara  
From: Scott

I’m damn terrified is what I am. Either way, no matter what I say, so many things could go wrong.

And I’m not leaving you behind. You will be there for the whole ride. I just don’t know if you’ll get another title or not. Aunty Sara has kind of a nice ring to it, though!

 

* * *

 

Sara was sitting on one of Kesh’s numerous crates, chewing on a salad she had brought with her. She usually met Kesh for lunch and today was no exception. Still, one thing was different. Halfway through their meal the door had beeped and Kesh, rolling her eyes in a way that looked painful, had clomped over to the door and opened it with an impatient gesture.

Sara had been convinced that whoever it was would get chewed out good and had settled in to watch the show. But once the newly opened door had revealed another krogan, who had smiled at Kesh broadly even for one of his species, Kesh’s shoulders had relaxed, she had greeted him with a quiet “hello” and let him in.

It was intriguing. It was a puzzle.

The guy in question had waved at Sara and she had returned the gesture with her fork, busily trying to put together the pieces.

Kesh had wandered over to her cupboard wall and they had been standing there, shoulder to shoulder, thick as thieves for the last ten minutes at least.

What the fuck was happening?

Sara could only make out parts of their conversation, something about plants and soil or something. Once, the guy nudged Kesh’s shoulder in a way that made her stumble to the side a step. Kesh returned the favor in kind. Since that, their shoulders had been touching.

If she didn’t know any better …

She lowered her gaze to her half eaten salad and speared a big tomato slice with her fork, before putting the whole thing into her mouth, cheeks bulging out a bit while she chewed. Okay, so the facts where these. This guy had come in during lunch time, which everybody knew was Kesh’s newly implemented “leave me alone” time. She saw him and seemed actually happy about him being here. Now, they were whispering together, touching and being kind of handsy, but in a … playful way?

That actually allowed only one conclusion.

“I’ll come back tomorrow, yes? As planned?”

“Yeah, Vorn. You do that,” Kesh replied to, apparently, Vorn’s comment and Sara watched him go, returning his wave to her with her fork again.

Kesh came back over to her and sat back down at her side. She had already eaten her meal but she usually kept sitting with Sara until she was done.

“So. Who was that?” Sara asked while biting into a salad leaf in the most innocent way possible.

“That was Vorn. He’s a botanist. Works on a project that is vital for the krogan,” Kesh supplied easily, as if knowing that was not was Sara was getting at.

“Botanist, huh? Can’t imagine that’s a popular job with most of your species,” Sara fished, trying to wheedle something more out of her.

“It isn’t. But he’s good at it. It’s nice seeing someone having a passion for something.”

“I bet you’d like him being all passionate over something else, too,” Sara quipped, grinning broadly at Kesh, who rolled her eyes again.

Sara thought about it, but while she had seen one or two asari with a krogan partner, she hadn’t ever seen an all krogan couple. Which was weird, considering that interspecies relationships were usually less common, even if there was not much of a stigma attached to such pairings. Even humans and turians had started getting together more and more, no matter that the bad blood between those species was pretty fresh, still. There had actually been a rumor that the first human Spectre, Shepard, had something going on with her turian crewmate Vakarian.

“How do krogan approach the whole love thing? I mean, you do fall in love, right?” She felt like the biggest kind of ass, having to ask that question. It said much about the general dislike most of the Milky Way species had for the krogan. She would never have asked an asari or drell that. But krogan women seldom left Tuchanka and she’d also never seen two male krogan together. She had no frame of reference.

It was only good that it took a bigger issue than that for Kesh to lose her temper.

“Yes, we do feel love. But we don’t get all googly-eyed about it like most of you people,” Kesh told her, seemingly unfazed, thank god.

“I don’t know,” she dared to tease. “Vorn looked pretty googly-eyed to me there.”

And wonder over wonders, there was an infinitesimal smile tugging on Kesh’s mouth.

“Oh my god, I was right, what the hell? Are you together?” Sara asked, salad forgotten and put aside. She angled her body towards her friend.

Kesh huffed. “Not that it’s any of your business, but … we’ve been testing the waters. I think it would be a good fit, him and me.”

“Okay, you have to dish now. I want to know what exactly ‘testing the waters’ means.”

But Kesh was already shaking her head. “Forget it. Or do you want me to ask you about that angara in the blue poncho you were strutting around the Nexus with?”

“It’s called a rofjinn,” Sara corrected her with a little grimace. “And you can ask what you want. Not like there’s much to tell.”

Kesh silently stared at her.

Which always worked.

“Shit, I like him, okay? He is like all my favorite things, and things I never even knew I liked, all wrapped up in this gorgeous, pink package,” Sara said gesticulating in front of her with fingers curled into claws that tried to grasp the elusive awesomeness that was Jaal. “I mean, in everyone else I would find his earnestness and his caring fake or tacky. But when you know him, his character just makes perfect sense and you feel like … you feel fucking _blessed_ that you know him? Like it’s a privilege?” Sara searchingly looked up to Kesh who had inclined her head a little but was grinning at her.

“So, what have you been doing about it?”

“We write each other mails. So many mails. And we meet up when he’s here. I don’t know, I guess we’ve just been testing the – oh fuck you, Kesh!” Sara yelled, caught out.

Her friend let out a deep laugh. “Serves you right for asking stupid questions.” She quieted down while Sara tried to find out if maybe these old earth vids had been right and you could learn how to strangle someone simply by wanting it enough.

“In all honesty, though. You think he returns your feelings?” Kesh asked her.

“I don’t know, do you think Vorn returns yours?” Sara shot back, trying to gain the upper hand again and already knowing that she could do nothing but fail, fail so miserably.

“I think the googly-eyes proved that,” Kesh returned, proving that she could not be bested.

“When you were stalking us, you wouldn’t have happened to see if Jaal was making eyes at me?” Sara asked, hopefully. Though was there really hope for the hopeless?

“No. I was too far away to see it.”

“Figures,” Sara grumbled.

Jaal looking at her like she incorporated everything nice and everything he wanted in the whole, entire universe.

God, how she wished.

 

* * *

 

**A Communication About Little Red Riding Hood**

To: Sara  
From: Jaal

Sara,

There are a lot of themes reoccurring in your people’s fairy tales. Woods keep featuring in them. As does the idea that not listening to authority figures is a bad idea. But I have to say I found the way the wolf found his end rather amusing. In a bloody, mean sort of way.

Is that the reason you like these tales so much? I never asked.

Jaal

 

***

 

**Re: A Communication About Little Red Riding Hood**

To: Jaal  
From: Sara

I like the Brothers Grimm for how bloody and weird their tales are, yes. Also, in the end, good always prevails. If you want to feel sad you should go back to the Andersen stuff. His stories are weird in a wholly different way, but they don’t often end with the hero or heroine alive. Still, I like The Wild Swans, for instance. It shows that in the end, if you work hard enough, no matter what other people want, you can still win.

I like how black and white everything is in fairy tales most of the time, because real life isn’t like that and sometimes it’s nice to go live in a world where everyone is firmly divided into good and bad and things are less complicated.

Sara

 

*** 

 

**Re: Re: A Communication About Little Red Riding Hood**

To: Sara  
From: Jaal

Sara,

I’ve read it in the Nomad while we were driving around Voeld. Scott still keeps getting lost there and does not understand that sometimes, trying to drive straight across a mountain is actually not the fastest way to get to our destination. He does this so often that the sound of the wheels spinning has become soothing to me. Peebee kept asking how I was reading when she felt like vomiting, but I simply told her, angara had superior physiology.

In any case, might it also be that you like the story because it is about a sister saving her brothers?

Additionally, I understand that you crave simplicity like this. The world can be confusing sometimes. I have been thinking about this issue in regards to the kett. By now you must know that many kett soldiers we face here in Heleus used to be my kinsmen at one point. It is hard to imagine that I may have killed people I once knew and loved, simply because they had become unknown to me, and I to them. I must say, though, that I prefer reality over simplicity, no matter how much it hurts. Reality brought all of you to me and I would not like having to miss you.

Jaal

 

***

 

**Re: Re: Re: A Communication About Little Red Riding Hood**

To: Jaal  
From: Sara

Hahaha, that sounds totally badass, Jaal. You show them!

Scott likes the direct approach, what can I say? Though, I have to be honest: I totally would try driving up a mountain in the Nomad. Why else do we have it?

Stop psychoanalyzing me!

As for preferring reality, you’re right. Complicated also means wondrous and unusual and beautiful. But I don’t know, Jaal. You didn’t read me “Sleeping Beauty”, but our situation was a bit like that, so fairy tales can get pretty close to reality sometimes.

Sara

 

***

 

**I was tired**

To: Jaal  
From: Sara Ryder

Jaal, if you could disregard the last paragraph of my last mail, I would be really grateful. I shouldn’t attempt writing e-mails without drinking coffee first.

Dying of embarrassment,

Sara

 

***

**Communication from Prince Charming**

To: Sara  
From: Jaal

Sara,

I fear your second e-mail came a little too late. I had already read the first one and was done reading the fairy tale you referred to as well.

I have been wondering, in the past, whether you were flirting with me on the Hyperion and the Nexus. Now that I think back on it, I do remember you acting a little odd, skittish even. I thought this was due to me being an alien or doing something you did not wish while you were asleep. However, I now remember Scott’s words regarding your awkwardness towards potential romantic partners. I did not kiss you awake, like the prince in the story did. But I like the idea that you feel I had some influence over you waking up.

I enjoy talking to you, Sara. I would like to see where this goes. 

Also, when you join the crew of the Tempest, I’m not sure I’ll want to drive on any missions with you anymore now.

Jaal

 

***

 

**Sleeping Beauty Reporting for Duty**

To: Jaal  
From: Sara

Just so you know, I read your last mail through the gaps between my fingers. But I’m so, so glad that I didn’t scare you away with, what some scholars and anthropologists like to refer to as "my flirting". I’m not good at it. I hope you don’t mind if that doesn’t hinder me from doing it. I was really afraid of scaring you away with my little blurb. I mean, I’ve been listening to you for some time and I’ve had a bit more of an opportunity to get to know you. I just … I didn’t want to overwhelm you.

And as I already said; you had a lot of influence over me waking up. You were just what I needed.

Remember when you called me formidable? You are too, Jaal. With your soulful eyes and everything.

Sara

PS: Awwww you thought about going on missions with me? That’s totally sweet. Are you sure, you don’t want to come anymore? I’ll make the wheels whirl especially nice for you.

 

***

 

**Re: Sleeping Beauty Reporting for Duty**

To: Sara  
From: Jaal

Sara,

You need not have been afraid. Your fear of overwhelming me is understandable, but … Sometimes you meet people and you can feel a certain connection. It does not matter that you have never talked to them before or that they come from a different culture. Something inside of you simply recognizes something inside of them. My people believe in reincarnation. This is one of the parts of this belief I empathize with as well.

Maybe you understand?

Jaal

 

***

**Re: Sleeping Beauty Reporting for Duty**

To: Jaal  
From: Sara

I understand completely.

Sara

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Again, I was toally overwhelmed by all the nice comments you guys left for me :) As you can see, my happiness manifested itself in a reaaaally long chapter :D I hoped you guys liked it like you did the last one. 
> 
> Again, this was beta'd by FourDirtyPaws who is fast and amazing <3 
> 
> Also, I hope it was obvious that Sara and Jaal were exchanging more mails off screen. I didn't type them all. 
> 
> Next time witness: gift giving (yaaay), more e-mails, Scott making a decision, and something cute I won't mention because I don't want to spoil it for you. 
> 
> Love you guys!


	3. Chapter 3

**Communication from your friend Jaal**

To: Sara  
From: Jaal

Dearest,

In your culture, is “dearest” too strong a word to use when two people are fond of each other? And is “fond” too strong a word to use when two people enjoy flirting with each other?

I enjoy you. Even now, I smile picturing your face.

Angara are free with our emotions, as you know, and it feels normal for me to lay mine at your feet. Even though I have learned much, I’m still unsure about writing this to you. I hope this is not too strange for your species and that you can comfortably accept my feelings.

I enjoy you – but more than that, I adore your strength and courage and beauty.

Your dearest,

Jaal

 

***

 

**Re: Communication from your friend Jaal**

To: Jaal  
From: Sara

Are you trying to kill me? I don’t think the noise I made when reading this was even human. My face is still red. If this is what angaran emotionality is like, I want more of it.

You should also know, I’m not used to this kind of openness. If you ever say something like what you wrote in that mail to my face I may react weirdly. But that should not make you stop. Nobody ever talked to me this way and it’s unfamiliar but so, so nice. I like it. I like you. You’re really interesting and great, Jaal. I loved our meetings at the Nexus.

You can call me “dearest” all you want.

 

* * *

 

The whole ship, fuck, the whole Nexus was always abuzz when Keri T’Vessa updated her documentary about the first Pathfinder and his crew. The decisions they made, the how and why of them, the outposts they built, the dangers they mastered. Hell, there was even a section on Sara, which she found terribly amusing, safe for the fact that they kept spelling Sara with an H.

For her, it was a way of catching up post coma. Sure, she’d treasure the way people told her stories about what had gone on during this time forever. But it was something entirely different to see Scott getting interviewed, sometimes looking drawn, sometimes triumphant, sometimes a little impatient, as if T’Vessa had gotten the jump on him in a hallway while he had been trying to sneak by.

She also liked seeing the reactions of the people living at the Nexus to what happened. The families of military personnel protesting in a group, because Scott had prioritized science over military and people being torn over the fact that Nilken Rensus turned out to be innocent after all. It was amazing and Sara basically binge watched it all during a night were hands made of iron clung to her arms and legs, reminding her of what she was risking returning to when she was trying to sleep.

What Sara liked the most, though, where the clips of vid T’Vessa had shot without the objects of her focus noticing. There were some character profiles on the Tempest’s crew, which showed some combat footage (stars only knew how she had gotten her hands on those) and also moments of the crew standing around Vortex, getting drunk.

Sara was eager to see it all, but her eyes always lingered the most on Jaal. She couldn’t help herself. Her eyes kept getting drawn to him, sometimes even when he walked through the background of a shot, totally oblivious that he was getting filmed. Well, maybe not completely. She had once noticed him stretching in a way that was a little too catlike and had contained far too much flexing for it to have been an accident.

But she wasn’t the only one to be drawn to him. While Sara caressed him with heavy stares and wandering glances during her sessions of watching these vids, the other people in the films kept touching him physically, like they couldn’t help themselves any more than she could help looking. A clap on the shoulder from Scott, a bump of Vetra’s upper arm into his, even Peebee kicking him and Jaal stumbling away with a loud laugh was an action that spoke of nothing but affection.

Currently, Sara was watching a clip that showed Scott, Jaal, and Liam, arm in arm with Jaal in the middle, walking towards where the Tempest was docked. The shot had been filmed from the balcony and the sun was in the process of slowly ducking under the horizon. It had been recorded from too far away to hear what they were saying, and T’Vessa’s voice had been laid over any other noises anyway, but there they were, obviously laughing and pushing each other around a little. But even when they parted for a few seconds, Scott’s and Liam’s hands always wandered back to punch, pat, or simply hold Jaal, like they couldn’t _not_ and kept getting trapped by their affection for him in the best way.

Sara could relate. Jaal had managed to utterly captivate her with his kindness and straightforward niceness. Sara hadn’t thought that a person as good as that could even exist and felt by turns almost furious and then deeply thankful to be allowed to know him. And after these last e-mails they had exchanged there was also a bit of a bewildered quality to her thoughts about him. Because somehow she had managed to spark his interest just as much as he had earned hers and while she had zero clue how she had done it (seriously, how?) she couldn’t have been happier about it.

She just hoped she was worthy of it all.

She hoped she could make him feel the same way she felt about him. That he would trust her with his thoughts, seek comfort in her just as much as she found in him, and that she could make him happy the way he deserved to be.

That was her greatest wish. That, first and foremost, Jaal would look at her and think of happiness and home.

 

* * *

 

**Sooo I have a question …**

To: Peebee  
From: Sara

Hey Peebee,

I hope everything is alright wherever the hell you are (tell Gil to tell Scott to check his stupid mails) and that the space hamster didn’t get out again. I’m kind of afraid that Jack (what sort of stupid name is that for a pyjack, I’m angry whenever I hear it, damn you Scott!) will do something unspeakable to it.

How is POC?

Okay, enough small talk, I don’t know how to be cool about this, so I’ll just come out and ask: does Jaal ever talk about me?

Sara

 

***

**Re: Sooo I have a question …**

To: Sara  
From: Peebee

You have even less game than Scott. I didn’t think it was possible.

Jaal may have said something. Weirdly, it’s kind of fled my mind just now.

 

***

 

**Re: Re: Sooo I have a question …**

 

To: Peebee  
From: Sara

TELL ME!

 

***

 

**Re: Re: Re: Sooo I have a question …**

To: Sara Ryder  
From: Peebee

Yelling is impolite, didn’t you know?

(What do I get?)

 

***

 

**Re: Re: Re: Re: Sooo I have a question …**

To: Peebee  
From: Sara

What do you want, you criminal

 

***

 

**Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Sooo I have a question …**

To: Sara  
From: Peebee

Make Scott finally take me on that top secret mission of ours. He’ll know what you mean. I’m tired of waiting.

 

***

**Favor 5 of 10,000**

To: Scott  
From: Sara

I’m cashing in another one. Peebee wants you to take her on that “top secret mission of yours” asap. She said you’d know what that meant. (What does it mean?)

Sara

 

***

 

**Favor 5 of 1000**

To: Sara  
From: Scott

Urgh, okay, if I have to. We’ve been pretty busy, but Peebee has been extra mad, because someone stole POC. We’ll go investigate if it’s that important to you, though I have no idea in hell why it _would_ be.

Scott

 

***

**Favor 5 of 100,000**

To: Scott  
From: Sara

Thanks!

Also you trying to lower your sentence will only force me to stretch it out, bro.

 

***

 

**Trashing the POC Trasher**

To: Peebee  
From: Sara

It’s done. Now dish.

(Sorry about POC by the way)

 

***

 

**Re: Trashing the POC Trasher**

To: Sara  
From: Peebee

Jaal asked me if I thought that you would like something he had Vetra acquire for him to give to you. I’m not telling what, because I don’t want to spoil the surprise. But I think you’ll like it. Also, it’s safe to say that Jaal has a serious crush going on. I kind of hate you for that, but he’s cute, metaphorically strewing flowers and not so metaphorically twirling wherever he goes.

I can see your blush all the way from Elaaden, in case you were wondering.

***

 

**Communication from Sahuna, True Mother of Jaal**

To: Sara Ryder  
From: Sahuna Ama Darav

Hello,

Jaal tells me that Scott’s sister has finally woken up and I wanted to welcome you to our galaxy. Both Scott and Jaal have talked to me about you and I almost feel like I know you a little already. Your brother has been a delight to have around and since Jaal considers you both family, I would like to find out more about you. I have asked Jaal to take you along on his next visit to Havarl, but he has been insistent that you are not sufficiently recovered yet and also that it is too early for any visits. He is afraid it would embarrass you.

I think that he is being too cautious and that you are not so easily embarrassed.

Sahuna

 

***

 

**Re: Communication from Sahuna, True Mother of Jaal**

To: Sahuna Ama Darav  
From: Sara Ryder

Hey,

Wow, I really didn’t expect this. I’m not embarrassed, though. Honestly, I’ve been feeling a bit claustrophobic here, but it’s true that my body isn’t quite up to much adventure yet. But it’s definitely getting better.

I would really love meeting you and the others, though. Scott has this funny little smile on his face whenever he talks about his visit and I’m a little afraid that he will make me an aunt sooner rather than later (this is still a secret, so please don’t tell anyone). But what I mean to say is that I think he likes you a lot. Oh? Jaal has been talking about me? I can’t imagine what he may have had to say.

Sara

 

***

 

**Re: Re: Communication from Sahuna, True Mother of Jaal**

To: Sara Ryder  
From: Sahuna Ama Darav

Jaal has been talking about your strength, humor, and beauty. I hope this is what you wanted to hear, but I am rather sure it is. That subtlety is not your strength is easy to see. However, that will suit you well with Jaal, if you want to pursue him romantically. He likes to sew and he likes poetry, if you need pointers towards a gift. He also has a kett rifle that could always use modifications.

I will tell Jaal that I simply must meet you now. Do you like pie? I have been experimenting with recipes and would like to test them on someone who has the required palette for it. Scott has been telling me that I should not trouble myself. He can be too polite sometimes.

Sahuna

 

***

 

**Re: Re: Re: Communication from Sahuna, True Mother of Jaal**

To: Sahuna Ama Darav  
From: Sara Ryder

I’m embarrassed NOW. Just in case you were wondering.

I don’t think I ever told the mother of a person I liked that I was interested in their kid. I’m bad at both sewing and poetry, but the modification I can get my hands on. Thanks for the suggestion!

I like pie. I love pie. Please bake me all the pie. (Scott is the polite twin, so I don’t have to be).

 

***

 

**To Vetra, the Acquirer**

To: Vetra  
From: Sara

Hey Vetra,

Peebee and Scott tell me you can get people things they need. I need a modification for a kett rifle, ideally one that Jaal does not have yet? I’ve given up trying to be subtle so yes, it’s for Jaal and I can’t really get my hands on one, bedridden and pathetic as I am right now. Also, what did you get him for me? I know you got something.

I will pay you in Blast-Ohs. I brought some.

Sara

 

***

 

**To Sara, the Infatuated**

To: Sara  
From: Vetra

Sure, will do. Just so you know the whole Tempest is enjoying this greatly. I hope it wasn’t supposed to be a secret from Scott? He knows, in any case. I wasn’t the one who ratted you out, by the way. My money is on Peebee.

It just so happens I found a scope that should increase accuracy for his rifle by 4.3 percent. His rifle is already modded to death so this is actually quite the accomplishment.

Will hand it over for one box of Blast-Ohs. Friendship discount. Is it okay if I give it to you next time we dock at the Nexus?

I won’t tell you what he has for you. But you’ll love it.

Vetra

 

* * *

   
As Scott had already so charmingly pointed out, Sara’s love life to date had been kind of pitifully lacking.

She became an idiot around people she fancied and said fancying didn’t actually happen that often in the first place. Before Jaal had entered the picture, Sara had had a few makeout sessions with people, both men and women, whose names she didn’t even know and a few rather unfortunate encounters of the sexual kind.

Her first time had been more of a business transaction. His name had been Chikondi and he had had some kind of calming effect over her. Even though she liked him, when he came on to her at a party, she didn’t feel weird or nervous. They met up a few times and during these meetings Sara actually deluded herself into thinking that she had feelings for him. In hindsight, it was obvious that he had been searching for a hookup and had found the fact that she still was a virgin erotic. At eighteen, Sara had been feeling the pressure to finally have sex as well. Not because anybody made fun of her, but because all of her friends were already having sex and she wanted to be able to talk with them about it. She didn’t want to be out of the loop. Again.

So she’d had sex with Kondi. Once. They both kept their socks on. She kept her bra on. He came twice, she came not even once. It hurt and it was uncomfortable and all in all Sara wasn’t quite sure what the all the fuss was about.

After that, she tried to find out if all the stories about how great sex was were a lie a few more times. With varying success. She had sex with Trina, one of her friends, only for Trina to say it had meant nothing to her, while Sara had more or less enjoyed it, even though she had been doing most of the work and had to get herself off in the end.

After Trina came Luke, whom she dated for a month, only with it ending because he felt insecure about his masculinity because he could not make her orgasm without using his mouth or fingers.

All in all, Sara was still more or less convinced that nobody could compete with her own hand, save for the odd sex toy. There was also the sneaking and pitifully hopeful thought that maybe she just hadn’t found someone truly compatible yet. Or that maybe she was one of those people who couldn’t enjoy sex without love.

But love was another matter entirely. She had never really been in love. She had liked Trina and Luke. But it hadn’t been the kind of love people were always gushing about, unless love was overhyped as well.

But Sara didn’t think it was. At least, not anymore. Not since a tall, pink guy with eyes as bright as galaxies filled with a myriad of starbursts had stepped into her life.

With Jaal, Sara sometimes felt she was saying too much too soon. Had he been any other species but angara, she would have never said the things she said and probably would have found what he told her cheesy and ridiculous.

Then again, maybe not.

Back home, before Jaal, she had felt a bit cynical about love in general. Whenever there were people that said their I love yous far too soon to be socially acceptable, when people got married within six months of knowing each other, when someone was sickeningly in love, she always smiled a little condescending smile, thinking that their feelings would never last. That they were going too fast, that they would crash and burn. How could you know that you loved someone enough to spend the rest of your life with them after such a short time?

But now Sara felt differently. She supposed, it probably had nothing to do with Jaal being an angara, and more with Jaal being Jaal. She now understood those couples, the ones that were overly sweet with each other, unable to keep their hands to themselves in public. She wanted the whole world to see that Jaal was hers, that she had managed to bag him somehow. She wanted others to stare at them, thinking it would never last, burying jealousy under cynicism, only to have to eat their words later.

Even though she had known Jaal for such a short time, she was sure.

Even though she had never even kissed him, she knew.

He was it.

 

* * *

**Mercilessly**

To: Sara  
From: Scott

I will tease you mercilessly once we’re back at the Nexus. The fact that you fell in love while you were asleep is soooooooooo romantic. Sara is in looooooove.

(I will stop if you cut the favors I owe you in half.)

I attached a vid I had Liam send me for you to watch.

_[attached is a movie about a woman pretending to be a coma patient’s fiancée, only to fall in love with his brother while said patient is still sleeping]_

 

***

**Re: Mercilessly**

To: Scott  
From: Sara

Fuck over, Scott.

(I’ll never give in. Bring it on, baby bro.)

I have attached a soundtrack to fit your life, asshole.

_[attached is a song called “Gay Bar” by a classical band of the early twenty-first century]_

***

 

**Re: Re: Mercilessly**

To: Sara

From: Scott

Uncalled for.

(Gil loves it, so thank you for that, loser.)

 

* * *

 

People often remarked how well Sara was doing.

Harry kept complimenting her progress, though he also urged her to talk to someone if she needed to.

Addison said that maybe some Ryders were made of the harder stuff after all.

Keri T’Vessa told her she admired her strength the one time she came by.

What a joke.

They all didn’t know what was really going on. Couldn’t see the difference between the putting on of a brave face and true imperviousness. Didn’t understand that sometimes your body wasn’t a mirror to reflect your soul.

Simply because Sara didn’t complain about what happened to anyone but the people closest to her, didn’t mean the hard, gripping hands of her coma hadn’t left blue fingerprints behind. Simply because she didn’t break down crying every few minutes, didn’t mean her throat wasn’t raw from waking up screaming. Simply because Sara’s face wasn’t one to develop dark circles easily didn’t mean she slept.

 

* * *

 

**No rest for the wicked**

To: Jaal  
From: Sara

Hey,

Sorry to bug you, but are you still up?

I can’t fucking sleep. I wish I could. I’m so tired, Jaal.

Sara

 

***

 

**Re: No rest for the wicked**

To: Sara  
From: Jaal

Dearest,

I’m awake. I’ve taken apart a piece of kett tech we found and forgot the time.

Are you having nightmares again?

Jaal

 

***

 

**Re: Re: No rest for the wicked**

To: Jaal  
From: Sara

When don’t I have nightmares? Urgh, no, that’s not fair. The last week was pretty good. It’s just these last few days … I think I miss you guys.

I’m antsy, now that I’m better. They still aren’t assigning me any work. Harry wants me to go let myself be assessed by some psychiatrist, to see if I’m fit for it. I get that, but honestly it’s been stressing me out.

I had the dream with the water again. I don’t know why it’s water so often. It’s not like I had a drowning accident.

Sara

 

***

**Re: Re: Re: No rest for the wicked**

To: Sara  
From: Jaal

Dearest,

But you felt like you were suffocating sometimes, yes? Perhaps your mind is simply trying to represent what happened to you in creative ways. A mind as vibrant as yours would do nothing less.

I wish I could help you, dearest. But you are strong and you will get through this. I’m gladly there for you throughout your struggles, as I have told you.

Jaal

 

***

 

**Re: Re: Re: Re: No rest for the wicked**

To: Jaal  
From: Sara

My mind can go to hell. I don’t want to have to deal with this anymore. It’s getting better, but it’s getting better too fucking slow. I want to stop being useless.

I think I’m being ungrateful. I had no nightmares last week. Just because insomnia has struck again now, doesn’t mean it’ll never stop. But it’s hard not getting discouraged. I’m not a patient person.

You are helping, Jaal. Who else would I talk to at night? Who else would write back so readily as you do? You really are a gift, Jaal. (Look at me being all open with my feelings! Honestly, it’s not so hard when writing it.)

Sara

 

***

 

**Re: Re: Re: No rest for the wicked**

To: Sara  
From: Jaal

Dearest,

You are not useless. Please, don’t call yourself that. My mind is often restless as well, with all the weight that lies upon all our shoulders. This exchange of communications has helped me just as it has helped you. When it all gets to be too much for me, I know I only have to use my omni-tool to contact you and that you will always write back. To have such certainty is a great comfort.

I have to say I admire how easily you seem to be able to tell me about your illness. I’m humbled with it. I know it isn’t quite the same in your culture as it is in mine, where we only trust our closest family members with the way our bodies fail us sometimes, but I can’t help the way it makes me feel that you put such trust in me. I feel important and proud. If I’m a gift to you then you are one to me as well.

Jaal

 

***

 

**Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: No rest for the wicked**

To: Jaal  
From: Sara

It’s only because I have nothing to do that I always write back. Urgh, no. That’s just me being bitter. I would probably write back to you in the middle of an ambush. How’s that for honesty? But I’m glad, I can be there for you, too. Your life can’t have been easy, kett and all. I hope you will trust me with all of it someday.

Psh. Almost no one has any idea what’s happening with me. Harry has an inkling, obviously. But most people around the Nexus seem to think I bounced right back on my feet from all of it, no harm done. I don’t let them see, because it’s not their business. I’m not ashamed of what happened, but they don’t need to know and I have zero interest in telling everyone what doesn’t concern them. You and Scott and Kesh are the people I talk to, because you’re important to me and because I want to tell you. Because I need to talk about it to someone and you are my favorite people around Heleus.

I’m trying to go to sleep again, now. Thanks for entertaining me. I hope you don’t have to go on a mission early tomorrow or something.

Sara

 

* * *

 

Sara didn’t sleep. Not until SAM asked her if it would help if he talked to her. She had to suppress tears, not succeeding entirely. But the two drops of moisture that escaped her wet lashes and rolled down her temples while SAM spoke about one of Scott’s missions with Drack and Cora spoke of gratefulness and relief.

He was there for her every night after that.

 

* * *

 

**Just so you know**

To: Nakmor Drack  
From: Sara Ryder

Kesh told me you asked her to look out for me and that’s why she first wanted to talk to me. I would like to inform you that I don’t need a caretaker, old man.

(Thanks, though.)

 

***

**Re: Just so you know**

To: Sara Ryder  
From: Nakmor Drack

You’re welcome, kid.

 

***

 

**Re: Re: Just so you know**

To: Drack  
From: Sara

Also, I hear congratulations are in order, so … Congratulations, great-great-great-somanygreats-grandpappy!

 

***

 

**Re: Re: Re: Just so you know**

To: Sara  
From: Drack

What

 

***

**Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Baby Pictures**

To: Gil  
From: Sara

Gil,

Okay here are some more. Since Scott has written me that I’m a monster for sending that pic of him playing naked windmill when he was three, I thought I’d dial it down a bit.

These are some of the cuter ones.

Sara

_[attached are a few pictures of Scott when he was a little boy; one has him grinning into the camera, his front teeth missing and his tongue poking out through the gap, another shows Scott giving Sara a piggy back ride when they are around twelve, a few more of him as an infant are also included]_

 

***

 

**I actually loved it!**

To: Cora  
From: Sara

Wow, okay I have to admit when you told me about the book I didn’t think too much of it. Which was stupid. Asari huntresses in action with a hot love story on top of it should have sounded awesome from the get go. I totally apologize. My thoughts:

  1. I think it was the title that threw me of. “Hunting for Love” sounds cheesy, not badass.
  2. Phelomena is the coolest. I want to learn how to do that backflip.
  3. Quameria should have gotten together with Rom. I know he is a krogan, and I’m not really into that, but damn he was the better guy. Kinda reminds me of Vorn (a krogan I know from here, sweet guy).
  4. THE SEX SCENE BETWEEN PHELOMENA AND ALEXIA THOUGH OMG. I don’t think I’ll ever be able to look at Vetra again without wondering … Or any female turian for that matter, hot damn.
  5. The ending was a motherfucker of a cliffhanger. Please tell me there is more!



Sara

 

***

 

**Re: I actually loved it!**

To: Sara  
From: Cora

I told you it was good. And I know the title is rather unoriginal, but it was worth it in the end, wouldn’t you say? I have to agree with you on all accounts, though I suppose the sex scene with Philomena and Alexia had a bigger impact on you than it did on me. Also, what is wrong with Tobias? I thought his and Quameria’s relationship was very well done. You’ll see why this is a sore point for me because:

Yes, there is more. I wouldn’t be so cruel.

Cora

_[attached is a novel of the name of “Preying on You”, which follows the continuation of the story of asari huntresses Phelomena T’Bray and Quameria T’Mena who have to find their way through treason, unexplained murders, and the perils of love]_

***

**Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: I want to be even**

To: Sara  
From: Jaal

Dearest,

The more I learn about you the more intriguing you are to me. Though, I have to admit that I’m certain that half of the stories about you and Scott are made up. If they are not, I’m terrified. I’m glad I don’t like human food. I would not accept anything your brother offers me in any case now.

I like this game of twenty questions you proposed, as it makes me feel closer to you and I like knowing all I can about you. However, I still would like to repeat that there was no reason for you to feel that we are on uneven ground. I shared all of the stories I told you about me at your bedside freely. I would not have told them, had I felt self-conscious about you knowing. Trust me in this, please.

I’ve been pacing myself, because I didn’t want the game to be over. Still, I’ve been asking you four questions in ever mail and now I have to ask the last four of them. I feel anxious about your answers to them.

  1. What is your fondest memory about your parents?
  2. Do you find me attractive physically?
  3. If yes, what do you like the most?
  4. May I have another twenty questions?



Your dearest,

Jaal

 

***

 

**Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: I want to be even**

To: Jaal  
From: Sara

My dearest, Jaal,

Never eating anything Scott gives you is a rule everyone should live by. Maybe we should include it in the ship rules for the Tempest. And none of the stories are made up. This is one of those times where reality is even better than imagination. I couldn’t make this shit up.

You keep saying that but I still think that I have an unfair advantage. If we’d gotten to know each other like normal people, this would have been more of a giving and taking situation. Instead, you kept giving and I kept soaking it all up like a sponge. And I’m glad you told me the things you did. I feel close to you, because of it all, like you said, and now I want you to feel the same. Makes sense?

  1. That’s kind of a tough one. I want to say that it’s one where Dad was home and we were all a happy family, but honestly, that would be a total lie, even if it sounds nice. I’d say my favorite memory is the one time, shortly before she died, Mom popped in a vid one night and she, Scott, and I cuddled together on the couch and watched it. It was a really bad movie, but that’s what was great about it, you know? And days like that had gotten kind of rare, because she was feeling sick most of the time. It was a sliver of hope, kind of. It showed that maybe it wasn’t all over yet and that maybe she would get better again. Talk about wishful thinking, right?
  2. You seriously have to ask? Jaal you’re beautiful. (I’m super glad that I can write this, saying it would probably have made my face melt off). I love the way you look.
  3. Honestly, I like everything. I like the way you smell and how you hold yourself and your eyes. But if I absolutely had to choose, I’d say I like your voice and the way you talk the most.
  4. You can have all the questions you want.



Sara

 

***

 

**Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: I want to be even**

To: Sara  
From: Jaal

Dearest,

I still do not like the idea that you feel indebted to me, but I would lie if I said that your last mail did not delight me. I know it is hard for you to say such things so openly. I appreciate that you’re trying. I also appreciate that you appreciate me.

As for why I asked: you can like people in spite of the way they look. It could have been true that you were trying to look past my alienness and not actively like it. I’m glad this is not the case. I also want to make sure that you know it is certainly also not the case for me.

I love your gentle stature that hides how much strength lies underneath. I like your hair. The way it moves is very appealing. Most of all, I like your face. When you were in the coma I had a lot of time to study it. It has long since stopped being alien and is now one of the most lovely sights in the galaxy to me.

All I want? I want all of you.

Your dearest,

Jaal

 

***

 

**Too much?**

To: Sara  
From: Jaal

Dearest,

I hope the last line was not too much. But I confess, my euphoria over your last communication to me still has me smiling throughout the hours of the day. I couldn’t help myself.

Your dearest,

Jaal

 

***

 

**Re: Too much?**

To: Jaal  
From: Sara

It was a little too much but in the best of ways. I’m grinning like an idiot and whenever I think about what you wrote, I can’t help but make rather undignified noises. Harry is worried for me.

I’m so glad you exist, Jaal.

Sara

 

* * *

 

Another three and a half weeks passed and Scott actually hadn’t wanted to come back this early. But a cryptic e-mail later had Sara waiting in the cryobay for her brother who had skidded his ship into the docks and told her to meet him here for whatever reason.

She had no clue why this Elizabeth Reilly person was so important that Scott had dropped everything to come back here, but she wasn’t going to complain. This way she could see both him and Jaal again, so she counted it as a win, no matter the mystery.

Still, she was curious. Why did Scott need her for this? Not that she wasn’t grateful, but she was seriously missing a bunch of info here and she’d appreciate it if Scott could move his butt in here sometime soon.

Sara stuck her hands into her hoodie as she waited around for him. He had sent the e-mail shortly after the unexpected arrival of the Tempest, which Sara had only heard about after it had already happened. There had been no lunch invitation or other message from Scott to inform her that they would come back. Sara had been under the impression that it would take far longer until they got back this time, which had sucked, but had been understandable. The Archon was far more important than anything else and if they had a lead on something that could help stop him …

Maybe this woman was a scientist that had some vital information and Scott needed to wake her up. But this still wouldn’t explain why he needed Sara to be present for this. Sara huffed, a little annoyed and raised her arms to poke at her omni-tool. She could at least try and get a look at this Elizabeth Reilly while Scott was making his way here.

Just as she had typed in the needed commands she saw Scott arrive from her left. He held his body rigidly, eyes big. She frowned as she was looking at him, trying to decipher his body language.

With a slight whirring sound Reilly’s pod came down from its place up between the others, stopping before them. She stepped up to Scott, giving him a gentle hug that Scott returned, never taking his eyes off the newly descended pod.

“Okay, so this is the pod you mentioned. What’s so important about Elizabeth Reilly?” Sara asked, hardly able to stand the suspense any longer.

Scott let out a small puff of breath that could have doubled as a laugh and slightly shook his head. “I could have milked this a little, but … this is Mom.”

Sara almost felt the ground give away under her feet and she couldn’t help the disbelieving “What?” that escaped her mouth. She stared at Scott, who looked nothing but sincere. This … could it be true? Could it really be their mother? But that was impossible. Mom had died. They had mourned her. She couldn’t be here, not truly.

“I saw Dad’s last memory. He brought her here. ‘ER’ isn’t Elizabeth Reilly. It’s Ellen Ryder.” He was basically vibrating with excitement. It reflected back in his voice which seemed to shake with all the emotion he was trying to keep stuffed inside.

Sara felt her lips give a little tremble of their own before she pressed them together. She lifted a hand and softly put it on the cryopod in front of her, almost afraid to touch it in case it was a mirage she ran risk of dispelling with her fingertips. “Oh my god … How is this possible,” she whispered, her brain going into overdrive trying to process this.

“Dad loved her that much. Or maybe he was just too stubborn to give up. Even at the bitter end. He used the cryostasis to freeze her disease. He was hoping that maybe they’d find a cure for it here.”

If Sara hadn’t already known that their Dad had only created SAM to try and cure his wife she would probably have scoffed a little at the notion of love being the main reason why he had done this. On the other hand … Alec Ryder had sacrificed himself for Scott. Why should it seem far-fetched to her that he wouldn’t let his wife die either? Good old Dad. Still taking her to school, even after he was dead and gone.

“For a man not given to rash action his emotions drove his decisions in the end,” SAM piped in. And he had to know. He had been in their Dad’s head. So if SAM said that he had loved them that much it had to be true, right?

“This is amazing,” Sara breathed. “Dad’s stubborn streak finally paid off. I could hug the old bastard. And then scream at him. He should have told us about this.” She set her mouth into an angry line, feeling irritation mix with the wonder and relief in her chest. How could he have done this to them? They had thought they had lost each of their parents. And Scott must have been worried that Sara wouldn’t make it either for a while there. It seemed cruel and unnecessarily so. Why did he always have to keep them in the dark? Why not trust them to be able to handle themselves?

“I said the same thing. But does it really matter? She’s still with us.” There was a new light in Scott’s eyes. An ease. Like something had shifted or aligned. Sara could empathize. But she wondered at his attitude. Normally, he was the one raging at their father while she was the one to try and excuse his actions, at least outwardly. But now it was Scott that shoved his grudges aside and tried to get her to see the important thing.

Their Mom. Alive. Here.

They would be able to talk to her again, hug her again. She could scarcely believe it and felt her heart squeezing painfully in her chest.

“We have to wake her up.” She didn’t want to wait any longer. She needed her mother in a way she couldn’t rationalize. She had thought that she’d made peace with her death. Apparently, she had been deluding herself. But who was ever at peace with having lost the mother they had loved so much?

SAM was quick to dispel her fancies, however. “That’s inadvisable. Although Ellen is alive, reviving her would trigger her disease – which would prove fatal.”

“Fuck. I didn’t think of that,” Sara muttered. She’d been too caught up in the moment to see the science and reality behind her state. It had been a long time, but sleeping for six hundred years wasn’t the cure their mother needed.

“Can’t we cure her, SAM? It’s been six hundred years.” A frown had formed a little line between Scott’s eyebrows as he thought.

“That was your father’s plan.”

The both of them perked up.

“What do you mean?” asked Scott.

“Alec believed that in Andromeda we would discover new scientific insights that could provide answers. Our journeys in Heleus have indeed provided valuable genetic knowledge – information that could lead to a cure. But patience is required. For the moment, enjoy the fact that she is still alive – and that your accomplishments will someday save her life.”

She looked at her brother and he looked right back at her. Sara resolved at this moment that this would be something that would always live in the back of her mind from now on. Whatever mission she went on, whatever scientific breakthroughs she witnessed – this was the goal. This was what they needed to do.

“Just make sure she stays safe, SAM,” Scott asked the AI and Sara nodded along with the request. If anybody could watch out for the wellbeing of their mother it was the AI that had been created with her in mind.

“We lost her once. No way we’re losing her again,” she added, decision made.

“My original purpose was to ensure the survival of Ellen Ryder. It is a mission I hope the three of us will someday fulfill – together.”

Scott and Sara smiled at each other. “Yeah. I’d like that,” Sara intoned, bumping into Scott’s shoulder with her own while they stood side by side and looked at the innocuous cryopod. It looked no different than the countless others in this room, yet it held so much promise for the future. Their family was bigger than they had known. It was a feeling like Sara had never experienced it before, as her family seemed to only ever get smaller and smaller. Who would have thought that something she had not actively wished for could make her feel this good?

“We’ll figure this out, right?” Scott asked her.

Sara angled her head to look up at him and gave him a crooked smile. “Don’t we always?”

 

* * *

 

Jaal had entered her quarters, punctual and buzzing with nervous energy. Sara could have sworn she actually felt some sort of static whenever he came close to her. In his hands he was holding a bag, the contents of which Sara was eager to figure out, but Jaal would simply not hand the thing over, apparently feeling the need to justify himself first.

“I have something for you. But I’m unsure if it’s right,” he told her looking at the bag and then down to her, as if she could tell him through some sort of divination whether she would like it or not.

“Can I have it?” she asked, but Jaal completely disregarded her question and hammered on.

“I wanted to make you something. I made Vetra a dagger engraved with a poem I wrote about her and for Liam I sewed a rofjinn.” He sounded distressed and Sara wished he would just give her the present already. Vetra had already told her she would like it and probably had told him, too. But apparently he wasn’t pacified by that. “It means something to angara, making gifts for friends. But I lacked the needed skill to make you what I wanted to make; something personalized. I had to ask Vetra to get it for me.”

“Jaal, I’m sure I’ll love whatever it is,” Sara tried to reassure the man in front of her. The way he held himself looked almost defeated, as if he had let her down by being unable to make something for her. Which was so completely ridiculous she had to rectify the situation immediately.

“It’s from you. You know that’s what matters to me most, don’t you? That you thought of me at all, that you like me enough to want to get me something.” She playfully tugged on the corner of his rofjinn, hoping to get him out of his funk.

His lips twitched. “You are … kind. I like that.” Distress had transformed into shyness abruptly and Sara was suddenly struck by how multifaceted he was. He often seemed so confident with his booming laugh and easy smiles. But under it all was a guy, not hiding, but simply not always out on the surface, that was unsure about himself. Her words seemed to have some impact though, since Jaal relaxed the rigid line of his shoulders.

“Alright. Here you are.” He opened the buckles of the bag and tucked out … a book.

A real, in the flesh, paper book. Sara stared at it, unable to comprehend where the hell Vetra had gotten it. She hesitated before taking it from his hands and turning it around to peer at the title.

“Grimm’s Collected Fairy Tales,” she read out loud, voice hushed. The cover was held in browns and yellows, to give the illusion that the scene depicted on it in bold black strokes had been drawn on parchment. The only splash of color was the red hood the girl talking to a wolf was wearing on it. Sara let her palm travel down the scene, almost afraid to touch but too enamored with her present to refrain.

She slowly opened the cover, which made a bit of a sticky sound and looked at the date of publication. 2020. This book had been over a hundred and fifty years old when they had set out for their journey. Now it was effectively older than seven hundred years. It had to be priceless. She swallowed drily, carefully leafing through the pages, taking in the artfully rendered initials at the start of every story and the illustrations that had been done in the same style as the cover.

“How …” she started, unsure what to say and mesmerized by the sight.

“You like it?” Jaal asked her and when she looked up he seemed to be almost trembling in excitement, completely unable to keep his body still, though it looked like he was really trying.

“This is … This is the best thing I’ve ever gotten. How did Vetra even manage this?” The incredulousness she felt was evident in her voice even to her own ears.

“I have no idea how Vetra does what she does. I wanted to write down the stories we shared with each other myself, but I’m not versed in your script and language enough. It would have taken too long.” He shook his head a little. “So I asked Vetra if she could find something similar. She came up with this. You’ll need to thank her. She did most of the work.”

“I will. But Jaal …” She sighed a little helplessly, not sure how she could express the depth of what she was feeling. This was them. All bound and neat inside a spine and between pages. This is what they first shared. “When I think of fairy tales I don’t only think of my Mom reading them to me or me reading them when I stayed sick at home from school anymore.” She stroked over the cover again, emphasizing her point. “Now I also think of you and the comments you made and how you made me feel so much better. How you made me help feel real and there.” The laugh she let out was small but full of honest appreciation. “I couldn’t have gotten a better gift. It’s as tailored to the two of us as it can get.”

Jaal heaved a great sigh, posture straightening and chest puffing out. “You really do like it.”

“I really, really do. God, this is so super precious. I’m afraid I’ll dog ear the pages or something.” Which would be a shame. The book was in such a good condition considering how old it was. She wondered if maybe this had belonged to a kid, but then again most kids hadn’t been woken up yet. Somebody had to have brought his to Heleus out of some sort of nostalgia and then parted with it for one reason or another. She’d probably never find out what the reason was, but she was glad nevertheless that this book had found its way to her. This was something real from home. She’d never willingly part with this.

But the fact that Jaal had nailed it left her with a dilemma. Her own gift looked like an idiotically poor one now. She’d probably disappoint him with it. Sara bit her lip in thought but then visibly shook herself. This wasn’t a competition. There wasn’t a winner and a loser, nobody was taking count. She’d gotten him a gift and now she would give it to him. Everything else was just stupid.

“I have something for you, too. I didn’t make it myself, either. I hope you don’t think that I didn’t want to put any effort into it or anything, but I’m not very handy at making stuff,” Sara told him, still completely blindsided by his gift and feeling that the pressure was on. He’d given her such a rare and personal thing and what did she have? A bunch of tech he might have stumbled upon by himself just as likely.

“You have something for me as well?” he asked, seemingly with honest surprised. Sara felt pretty surprised on her end as well, mainly because she couldn’t belief nobody had tattled on her

But Jaal was smiling broadly at her, inordinately pleased, his cheeks dark with color. “This is truly a joyous occasion. And don’t let my earlier words discourage you. I was being foolish,” he told her, earlier smile gone from his face and replaced by and earnest expression. “You were right. The idea that you were thinking about me enough to get me something is what counts.”

Sara huffed, eyes caught again by the beautiful earthen tones of the book’s cover. “Vetra helped me get yours as well. She is a good friend. Even though she meddles.”

“She does it nicely, so we’ll forgive her,” Jaal answered, causing Sara’s eyes to narrow in a smile again.

She went over to the sideboard of her little kitchen and got out the wrapped present. She hadn’t had a box to put it in, so it was a misshapen clump of wrapping paper and duct tape. She had found a red bow to stick on the pale blue paper, though, so that was something.

Jaal gave it a curious look, unsure how to react. “It’s … paper?” he asked, bewildered.

Sara snorted. “It’s wrapped in paper. Human tradition. We like people watch unwrapping presents. Keeps up the suspense. I taped it together here, here, and here,” she said, pointing out the places where she had stuck bits of tape.

“I see. It looks nice.” He took the package from her, turning it this way and that.

“It really doesn’t. But thank you.” She watched him look at it for another few seconds before she had enough. “Open it!”

“So bossy,” he told her, winking into her direction, causing her cheeks to heat a little.

With the utmost care he tugged on the strips of tape, almost making Sara roll her eyes. So he was to be one of those people then. Those that took forever about unwrapping their presents and then neatly folded the leftover wrapping to keep and cherish it in the back of a cupboard for all eternity.

Once, after a whole lifetime has passed, the paper (which wasn’t real paper, they didn’t have the resources for that) was gone, Jaal stared at the mod and then let out a trilling sound that was somewhere between deep and high and made Sara smile reflexively.

“It should increase your rifle’s accuracy by 4.3 percent,” Sara parroted Vetra, trying to sell the thing up in case Jaal was unimpressed by it after all.

“This is a very good gift,” Jaal praised her, turning the mod around. His visor likely was telling him technical details about it by the way his eye movement became more rapid. “How did you think of it?”

“Your mother may have clued me in,” Sara admitted, not embarrassed by the fact that she didn’t come up with it one her own. “She also suggested sewing and poetry but I wanted to spare you that.” She was looking at him with concentration trying to figure out if he was just humoring her. “You really like it?”

Jaal finally lowered the mod and then placed it on the little coffee table to his left. “I always say what I mean. My rifle is what keeps me alive in my fight against the kett and you have given me something to improve it.” He was looking at her with wonder on his face, making Sara almost uncomfortable. “You are now effectively helping me to stay alive and to fight against the enemy that would take away what I am.” Sara hadn’t even thought of it that way. She had just wanted to give him something useful. Something that he would like. But she had to admit that she liked his explanation better.

“No wonder your mother calls you a poet,” she said, a little raw because of his words.

“The poetry was in your actions. I simply gave them voice.” He stepped a bit closer to her, hovering around the edges of her personal space and she wished he would breach the invisible barrier between them.

“We make a great team then,” she told him lamely, eyes falling to his lips for a split second, before racing back to his eyes.

“It would seem so.” Jaal’s hand lifted and he put it up to her cheek.

Sara let out a little shriek as his electricity zapped through her in a way that felt decidedly not like a pleasant tingle and reflexively jumped back a bit.

Jaal’s eyes widened and he stared at his hand in uncomfortable surprise, before tucking it away at his side, crossing his arms, as if he was afraid his hands might go back to touching her without his permission.

“I apologize. I don’t know what …” He drifted off in the middle of the sentence.

“I take it this wasn’t on purpose then?” she asked him, rubbing her still buzzing cheek. It felt like it had fallen asleep, like little ants crawling all over numb, swollen skin.

“No, it wasn’t. Again, I’m sorry. I’m usually better at controlling it. Are you alright?” he babbled, staring at her face and tracing the movements of her fingers with his eyes.

“Yeah, I’m okay. It doesn’t hurt.” She frowned at him. “Does that happen often?”

“No,” he told her curtly, apparently unwilling to elaborate, but Sara didn’t want to leave it like that because a question was nagging at her.

“It didn’t feel very … nice. Not like last time.” She paused, almost afraid to ask but needing it to be said. “Are you sure you liked the present? Or did I do something?”

“It’s not that. I promise. I didn’t want to cause you distress,” he reassured her, evidently in a bit of distress himself if one looked at the way he kept backing away from her with small steps he didn’t seem to be aware of.

Sara sighed, wishing he would just spit out what was wrong. She lifted an arm to rake it through her hair only to notice that a few individual hairs clung to the fabric of her sleeve. She drew her eyebrows together, moving her arm a little and watching the hairs sway along. “My hair is standing on end, isn’t it?”

“It may be,” Jaal admitted uncomfortably, but one of the corners of his mouth was twitching a little, even though his features still looked tight.

Sara sighed. “Great. I must look very fetching,” she joked, trying to smooth her hair down but aware that she was probably not having any real effect on the statically loaded thing.

“You always do,” he told her sincerely, stance relaxing a little.

“So do you,” she managed to get out without stuttering, feeling like she stepped on a lose bit of ground and was now trying to regain her balance.

They didn’t talk about what was going on anymore, since Jaal firmly didn’t seem to want to, and he kept his hands to himself for the remainder of his stay in her quarters, which Sara thought was a shame. But they talked and talking with Jaal was always the mark of a good day, so Sara didn’t complain. She was just standing there basking in Jaal’s bright light and wondering if maybe she was shining just as bright with a combination of her own happiness and a reflection of his.

Funny, how the happiness of one person could fuel your own.

 

* * *

 

Sara lay awake in bed. But this time, it was not nightmares that kept her up. It was a far more pleasant thing that occupied her thoughts and made her grin like a loon every few minutes.

The book of fairy tales (and Sara was still in awe of it) was lying on her bedside table, looking glorious and beautiful. That Jaal had thought of such a perfect gift to her ... Though he had been unsure about it, stating it would have meant more in angaran culture if he had made the gift himself, Sara wasn’t bothered. He couldn’t have made something like this with his own hands, if only because he couldn’t write in her script and she had no idea yet what to make of most of the symbols angara were using. But she’d been learning. She’d like to learn the language as well, eventually. Sara was good at things like this and interested to boot. Also, the thought of what Jaal’s face might look like should she ever manage a few phrases made a pleasant warmth tingle in her chest.

When had that happened? When had her infatuation become this aching need to do well by him and to deserve all his laughter and praise? She’d known that she was feeling this way, but when had it happened exactly? She couldn’t say.

And the question was purely academic anyway.

Because she had no intention to ever fall out of love with him. She would hold on with the strength of her fingertips and stubbornness alone if that was what she had to do. Because to some degree, loving someone was a choice you had to make every day. And Sara had resolved to make this choice.

Jaal was a person you met once in a lifetime, she was sure of that. A person so rare and beautiful it would have been idiotic beyond belief not to regard him as the wonderful anomaly he was. As Sara had said, she needed love to be uncomplicated. She needed love to be something that was not fraught with problems and adversity. She saw no romance in people having to overcome obstacle after obstacle before they could be together, thought that problems could most of the time be solved by listening and talking and the firm resolve to stick together. Jaal was such an unproblematic choice. He was good and strong and true. Her heart could not have chosen better.

She wondered sometimes. What if Scott had been the one in the coma? What if she had ended up Pathfinder. Had to make all the difficult calls. Made contact with the angara at Aya. Met Jaal there for the first time, when he had still been understandably mistrustful. Would she have fallen as hard for him then?

Maybe it wouldn’t have been as instantaneous. It would have taken time until they trusted each other. Until it became clear they had nothing to fear from each other. Until they had both learned to open up to another alien and earned each other’s favor. But she firmly believed that, even though it might have taken more work and time to build what they had done almost effortlessly this time around, they would have gotten there as well.

In her mind, for every Jaal there was a Sara somewhere. Perhaps they didn’t always meet. Perhaps sometimes, something horrible happened before they could meet. But those who did? Those fuckers were in love every time.

Sara snuffled contentedly, turning to lie on her back instead of her belly, and stared at the ceiling, which was easily visible in the shine emitted from the small light she kept on. She couldn’t sleep in complete darkness and if she had nightmares, things were easier when she woke up to a room that wasn’t pitch-black.

She sighed, languidly stretching. When she settled back down she lazily put a hand on one of her breasts and almost absentmindedly stroked over her nipple until the little nub peaked under her fingers. She wondered if Jaal would like her breasts. Angaran women had none, or at least theirs didn’t prominently feature on their bodies outside of pregnancy and then there were more than two of them. He probably wouldn’t know what to do with hers. But he’d learn. If the way he could lose himself for hours tinkering and figuring tech out translated over into the bedroom …

God, he’d learn her until he could play her body like a fiddle, wouldn’t he? All big warm hands, strong muscles, and intense focus. He’d touch her everywhere until he knew exactly what spots made her sigh and moan and quiver. He’d make her come so many times that her nerves would ache in the best way.

Sara could feel herself clench in the telltale way and rubbed her legs together to create a bit of friction. She didn’t want to go there yet, wanted to fantasize some more.

She’d seen some anatomical pictures of angaran men. She knew what would await her should she ever get his clothes off. The protrusions of muscles on his chest were a little unusual and she had no idea what to do with those yet. But aside from that little peculiarity, she was eager to see what Jaal looked like exactly. He’d be warm and firm. And just like he’d touch every bit of her she would touch every bit of him.

What would it be like to have him hover over her, easily covering all of her body with his much broader one? The both of them pressed together from head to toe, kissing like there was no tomorrow, touching lips and tongues until time became a fleeting thing and each hour simultaneously felt like a second and an eternity?

Sara rucked up her shirt and kicked off the shorts she slept in, spreading her legs and moaning once she felt the cool air in the room hit her heated flesh. She teased her nipples some more, shivering with the sensation, and slowly let one of her hands trail down her body, to where she could feel her arousal pulsing.

She let out a shuddery breath, imagining it was Jaal’s much bigger fingers touching her there. He’d be unsure at first, maybe. Testing the waters, trying to determine how much pressure she liked, how much movement. He’d listen to her every sound, searching and finding what gave her the most pleasure. Sara dipped two fingers inside herself, spreading the moisture around a little, before gently starting to tease the little nub above her entrance.

She kicked her legs out, unable to stay still. The image of Jaal between her legs, looking at her, all exposed with these eyes, maybe licking his lips. God … would he? Did his species do that? Would he, if she asked? Sara clenched her eyes shut, movements getting faster and breathing shallower. Jaal lowering his head to bury it between her thighs, dragging his tongue over her just so …

Sara trembled, the inner muscles of her thighs quivering with the tension she had built up in them. With a breathy moan she could feel herself fall apart, fast and violent. It was over within a few seconds but her orgasm had hit her hard leaving her blinking a little dizzily into the room.

If that was what the vague and imaginary picture of Jaal going down on her did to her …

God. She could hardly wait.

 

* * *

 

Drack, Scott, and Sara were totally mesmerized.

Which should have been impossible, seeing as the things they were looking at weren’t even moving.

But still, the fact that they even existed and that they were viable was so astounding, the three of them couldn’t help themselves.

“And there are really baby krogan in there?” asked Scott, voice hushed in a way that totally wasn’t necessary, but seemed appropriate to Sara nevertheless.

“Yep,” Kesh said. Voice smug and posture proud. Sara had known, of course, that she was going to lay some eggs. She was the one to break it to Drack after all (only after asking Kesh for permission; she wasn’t suicidal). But seeing them in the incubator all big and white and shiny …

It was surreal. But it was beautiful too.

“I’ve never seen a baby krogan before,” Sara mused. “Are they cute?”

“Krogan aren’t cute. We are hardy. Strong,” Drack told her, still looking at the eggs like they were the Holy Grail.

“They’re pretty cute,” Kesh said, contradictorily and Drack smacked his arm into her chest, hard.

“I knew it,” Sara muttered under her breath and grinned at nobody in particular.

“The first krogan born in Heleus,” Drack said, grinning from ear to ear. “You did good, kid.”

“Thanks, old man.”

“I think this calls for some drinks,” Scott suggested. “And they’re on me.”

“We’re not gonna say no to that, are we?” said Drack already turning around and, assumedly, making his way towards Vortex.

“The reports can wait,” decided Kesh with a shrug, walking out after him.

“Things are finally starting to really look up, aren’t they?” Sara asked her brother as they followed in a more sedate pace. “Not that I saw most of the bad stuff, but … people getting together, moving to outposts, having babies. We’re really settling down here.”

“I’m not supposed to tell, but the first human baby has been born, too. Name’s David. They’re going to move to Prodromos. Addison almost had kittens, because it wasn’t pre-approved.” Scott snickered unashamedly.

“Aw. I was hoping you could do the honors,” Sara teased him, not actually serious. She knew Scott was still struggling with the decision whether or not to become a father already. Leaning towards a positive answer didn’t mean the die had already been cast.

“Actually …”

Or maybe it had?

“What are you saying?” Sara stopped in the hallway, turning her body towards her brother, eyes widened. Did he mean what she thought he meant?

Scott’s expression was perfectly mischievous as he licked his lips and drew in a big breath. “I told Gil yes. We’re going to talk to Jill as soon as the Archon is history. That was my one stipulation. I wanted him to be gone first. Gil had no problem with that.”

Sara gaped at him, shaking her head a few, infinitesimal times. “Are you for real?” She wasn’t sure that he wasn’t pranking her yet.

“The realest.”

She threw her arms out and flailed a little, not sure what to do. “I’m going to be an aunt?”

Scott laughed at her failure to express her emotions. “Yeah, you are. Am I going to get a hug or what?”

She joined in his laughter and finally put her arms around him, patting him on the back proudly as if he had already managed to get somebody pregnant. “When did you decide this? Last time we talked you were still so unsure. What changed?” She drew back from him, looking up into his eyes, trying to figure out when her little brother had grown up so much.

He looked away from her, over her shoulder, into the vague direction of where the Hyperion was docked. “It was finding out about Mom, actually. It’s what made me really, really understand that this was home, you know? Having a bit of what made up our family back made me want to add to it. I don’t know if that makes sense to you, but it does to me. It kind of settled something inside of me. I just wasn’t so afraid of it all anymore. I think I really want this.”

“And who’s ever a hundred percent sure about becoming parents anyway, right?” Sara tried for levity and Scott nodded, smile as bright as the sun. “I’m really happy for you, you know? That you found Gil and that everything is working out so well. You’re going to be a daddy.” She wiggled her hands in front of her face in a gesture that even she didn’t know the meaning of.

God, what would that be like? A baby made up of her brother and a crazy engineer? They’d have their hands full. Maybe the angara had the right idea, having families consist of so many people.

“Yes, I am. Which begs the question …” her brother started, while they both resumed their walk towards Vortex, not wanting to keep Kesh and Drack waiting. Not that they would. The two of them were probably knocking back ryncol already.

“The question?” Sara asked, wanting Scott to elaborate.

“When am I going to be an uncle? And do you think angaran-human hybrids could be a thing?”

Sara’s face flamed red, she could just feel it. Her face felt so hot they could probably see it from space. “Shut up!”

“Like hell I will. Have you got any idea how Jaal has been behaving for the past three weeks?” Scott asked her incredulously. “Have you?”

“Peebee said he’s been twirling and strewing metaphorical flowers,” Sara grumbled a bit irritated, but also wanting to know if that assessment had been correct.

Scott snorted. “That and more. He’s been asking me things. Things I shouldn’t have to answer about my sister. Things I shouldn’t have to even _think_ about my sister. How the hell am I supposed to know what your erogenous zones are?”

Sara stopped dead in the middle of the balcony, people swarming around them, one guy even squeezing through between them. “He did not ask you that, you liar.”

Scott gave her an unimpressed look through the dead eyes of someone who had experienced severe trauma. “Do you think I would kid about this? We were in the Nomad. I was driving! I almost crashed the thing.”

“What did you tell him?” she asked, not knowing what the fuck else she was supposed to say. Why did Jaal even think Scott would know that?

“I told him nothing. I tried to reverse the car before I drove it over the cliff the rest of the way, while Liam told him this was not an appropriate thing to discuss, which kind of mystified him. I think Liam shoved him at Lexi to get some medical texts or something.”

Jaal … wanted to know what her erogenous zones were. This was embarrassing. But … oh, my god. Oh, my god! There was no need for him to ask about that unless he …

Sara sucked in her lips but it was of no use. The corners of her mouth kept tugging and tugging and in the end she lost the fight and simply stood there, staring at her brother and grinning so broadly her cheeks were protesting.

Scott sighed, shooting her another flat look. “You’re just as bad as he is. Don’t ask me about angaran erogenous zones.”

Sara pressed her tongue to the back of her front teeth, still grinning, openmouthed. “Does that mean you know some?”

Her brother groaned and started walking again. “No comment.”

“Where is Jaal anyway?” Sara asked, thinking that she had to see him now, even if any exploration of sensitive zones would probably be postponed until they, uh, kissed for the first time, at least.

“He went back to the Tempest. Wouldn’t say why, but he zapped me with his bioelectricity when he put a hand on my shoulder and then apologized profusely for it, so I think he may be a bit out of sorts.”

Sara let out a thoughtful noise. “He zapped me too. Made my hair stand on end. He didn’t do that on purpose either, but I thought maybe he was just excited.”

“So excited to see you that he lost control?” Scott asked her, both eyebrows up. “Could be. But that wouldn’t explain why he zapped me. He’s been doing it a few times since we departed from the Nexus the last time and I don’t mind. But the last time kind of felt weird.”

“I get what you mean,” Sara mused.

She would go investigate later. But first – drinks! They had something to celebrate, after all. And if Sara was celebrating privately for one more additional reason in her head, the others never had to know.

 

* * *

 

Sara’s investigations had led her back to the Tempest, mostly because Scott had told her that was where Jaal had holed himself up, and she’d figured best start there.

She loved the Tempest. The sleekness of the ship that had been built for utility but still managed to look like a shiny new toy was something she couldn’t help but admire. That it was small simply added to its charm. Not many people were allowed, had the luck, to serve on this ship and the view people who were, were special, all of them. Though, through Sara’s biased point of view, some were more so than others.

Scott had given her a tour before but this was only the second time she had been on the ship. Sara had a pretty good sense of direction though, and she was sure she remembered exactly where it was Jaal had set up camp. She climbed up the ladder, happy that neither her arms nor her legs protested. She was finally back on track. She knew that she had recovered fast, but that didn’t mean she hadn’t felt the strain of it all. That she was able to at least do the normal things everybody else could, even though the first missions she would go on would probably leave her exhausted, was something that made her feel like herself again.

Once she made it to the top she saw that the door to the tech lab was closed. But an asari woman, not Peebee, was standing at the round console in the middle of the platform. From pictures she knew that this was Lexi T’Perro.

“Hey.”

Lexi turned her head towards Sara before stopping whatever she had been typing into the console.

“Sara, hello. It’s so good to see you.” She smiled he small and professional smile at her.

“You, too. What are you up to?” Sara asked her, even though she was eager to get to Jaal. But there was no need to be impolite and it wasn’t like Jaal was going to run away from her.

“It’s confidential, I’m afraid. One of the crewmembers is sick and they’d rather keep that information private.”

Sara blinked, connecting the dots immediately. “Jaal is sick?”

Lexi sighed, rolling her eyes. “Goddess preserve me from you Ryders. But I suppose it serves me right, trying to keep a secret from one of you,” she said wryly, obviously not upset.

Sara snorted. “Yeah, we’re both too nosy for our own good.” She glanced over to the closed doors, worrying her lip. Maybe that had been why Jaal had behaved so strangely the last time she had seen him? He must have known that he was coming down with something. But why hadn’t he told her? He’d seen her at her worst, he must have known that he could trust her with this.

“Can I see him, do you think?”

Lexi who had studied her with sharp eyes while she had been thinking shrugged delicately. “It’s not contagious, what he has. Not to humans anyway.” She raised her brows. “Whether he lets you in or not is his choice.”

“Thanks,” Sara told her, feeling a bit like science experiment under Lexi’s scrutiny as she wandered over to the lab and pressed the chime. She could feel the asari’s eyes burning the skin of her neck. It seemed like she wasn’t the only one that was curious.

The door opened with a swish. “Lexi, I told you, I mainly need – “ Jaal started to say only to come up short when he saw Sara standing there instead of the doctor.

“Hey. Heard you were sick. Want some company?” Sara asked as nonchalantly as she could, crossing her arms and tilting her head while she regarded him.

He seemed tired and his skin looked a shade darker than it usually did. His eyes were rimmed purple.

And he looked extremely uncomfortable.

“Sara. I didn’t want you to see me like this.” He swallowed and it seemed like it hurt by the grimace he pulled.

“Why?” That was all Sara wanted to know. Because she didn’t really get it. She knew that sickness was something of a taboo to angara but this was taking it a little far. In the end she couldn’t keep her mouth shut, though, and before Jaal could come up with an answer she barreled on. “Because you’ve been there for me when I was in a bad way. Why is it okay for you to do that but I’m not allowed to be here for you? Isn’t that what this whole dearest stuff is about? How can you call yourself my dearest and then not allow me to show you exactly how dear you are to me? Because fuck that. If I want to be at your bedside and coddle you then I will damn well do it. And you’ll let me.”

And there Jaal stood, out of his rofjinn, just in a thin garment that looked comfortable, rather than made to be used as armor. Swaying a little on his feet, he started to laugh in the form of small, scratchy sounding puffs of air leaving his throat.

Sara frowned. “What?” He didn’t answer immediately which made her smash her eyebrows together. “What? Why are you laughing at me?”

He slightly shook his head. “My bioelectricity is acting up. I already shocked you the last time we saw each other and since then I did the same to Scott, Kallo, and Suvi. Suvi wasn’t even touching me. I simply wanted to spare you that. But if you insist to bear this burden to prove exactly how much you like me, then I won’t complain,” he teased her, the rumble in his voice sounding a bit higher, like he was going through the angaran version of a voice break.

Sara felt her cheeks flame. “Oh.” She bit her lip. “So it didn’t have anything to do you with you not …” she trailed off, unsure how much of her insecurities she wanted him to know about.

He stepped back into the room, slowly making his way to the back where his bed was, and waving Sara in with a slightly shaking hand. Sara followed him, slightly hovering because she was afraid Jaal would keel over with the unsteady way he was walking.

Last time she had seen his bed it had looked fairly Spartan to her, but now he seemed to have broken out all the pillows and blankets he had been able to find. He settled into his little nest and drew one of the blankets up to his chin, but kicking it off at his feet, so that they weren’t covered. He also settled his hands outside of the cuddly confines of his blanket and let them lie palms up on his chest. He was wearing no gloves.

Sara drew up her eyebrows.

“My chest is cold. My hands and feet are hot. It’s … uncomfortable,” Jaal mumbled out, eyes drooping a little.

Sara took a chair and rolled it over to Jaal’s bedside, unsure what to do now. Maybe she should have gone and let him rest. He looked like he was barely keeping awake. “So, uh, your bioelectricity is out of whack?”

Jaal sent her a flat look. “If that is supposed to mean that I currently can’t control it, then yes. Levels have risen to an uncomfortably high point and my body is trying to discharge it randomly.” He cleared his throat. “It is a common … malady. It’s not the first time I’ve had it. It will pass in a few days.”

“Sounds a bit like the angaran version of the flu. Only with humans, we get a fever.” At Jaal’s questioning look she elaborated. “Our bodies get really hot. If the temperature rises too much you can even die from it, but we get fevers because our body is trying to kill off the harmful organisms inside of us,” Sara said, glad to talk about something different than her outburst. She picked at the lining of the blue blanket, which had artfully been embroidered with what looked to be some sort of flowers and birds.

“Sara,” Jaal said gently, making Sara focus his gaze on his face, instead of the neat stitches under her fingers. “What you were saying before – “

“Forget about that,” she interrupted him. “I was being weird. I’m sorry.” She ducked her head again, unable to look him in the eyes. Fuck, she had given Lexi a free show out there, hadn’t she? She just hoped the doctor wouldn’t write a scientific text about interspecies communication breaking down.

“You don’t have to apologize. I was trying to protect you but didn’t give you all the information and because of that I made you feel insecure about what we are building. It wasn’t my intention.” He shifted under his blanket, spreading his legs a bit further, as if he was trying to find a more comfortable position.

“It’s okay. You don’t have to do this. I overreacted. I do that sometimes,” she told the blanket, making Jaal huff.

“Dearest, look at me, please.”

Sara sighed and looked at him like it was a chore or like she was doing him a great favor, making a mock expectant face at him. Jaal’s lips twitched.

“You are important to me. I trust you. Having you here is a greater comfort than I could have ever expected. Thank you, for coming and for wanting to come. I didn’t want to make you feel inadequate.” His lips thinned and his eyes dimmed. He drew his shoulders up a little, like he was trying to disappear inside of himself.

Shit, she had made him sad again. Why did she keep doing that? Would somebody please arrest her already?

Mentally kicking herself she took one of his hands in hers.

“Sara, don’t –“ he started but she squeezed his palm and made a hushing sound. Jaal reciprocated by zapping her fingers, making her flinch a little. He wanted to withdraw his finger immediately, trying to tug his hand away, but Sara held on tight. Distress was written plainly on his face.

“See? Nothing happened. It didn’t even hurt, really. It just feels a bit uncomfortable.” She grinned at him. “And a little discomfort is worth getting to touch you. Even if your hand is really burning hot.”

“Sara …” Jaal tried once more but she hushed him again, focusing her gaze on the fingers between hers. She stroked her thumb over his, caressing the skin in what she hoped was a soothing motion to show Jaal that everything was alright. That she was not hurt and he had not done anything she would dwell on any longer. It had been a misunderstanding. They had talked about it. Done.

“You know,” she mused, turning his hand over. “You kind of have really stubby thumbs.” She lifted his other one towards the one she was already holding, comparing. “It’s cute.”

Just like that any tension that might have stood between them dissolved as Jaal started to quietly laugh. “If my thumbs are stubby, yours are overly long. Look.” He pressed one of his palms against one of hers, showing her that, while her hand was quite a bit smaller than his, her thumb almost matched his in length.

“Screw you. That just means I can grip things better,” she shot back, lowering her arm back down, but not letting go of him. “Do you want to sleep? Or I could return the favor. You know. Read you something. If you wanted.”

“You are being kind again. I don’t know why it keeps surprising me,” Jaal told her, eyes and expression equally soft.

Sara returned the expression, hesitating for a second, before bending her neck down to press a gentle kiss to the back of Jaal’s overly hot hand. She lingered there for a bit, until a small spark touched her lips and she had to laughingly draw back.

When she looked back at Jaal his smile could have put a supernova to shame. And even though he still looked tired and worse for wear Sara couldn’t help but think that he was so, so beautiful as he was lying there.

“So. Story?”

“Yes, please.”

Sara opened up her omi-tool, almost regretfully severing the contact between them, as she needed both of her hands for this. “If I had known, I would have brought my book.”

“Next time,” Jaal told her with an unwavering certainty that made her smile again. Had anybody ever made her smile this much?

“Okay, so, how about The Frog King? Do you know that one yet?”

 

* * *

 

When Sara found out that there was a movie night happening she’d told Scott to have fun.

Only for him to tell her she was being stupid and that they were going to host it in his and Gil’s quarters and that she better be there or he would make her regret it. There was nothing like a sibling threatening you into fun. Heleus was starting to feel like home more and more.

She’d been a little apprehensive about the whole thing. She hadn’t ever met Suvi and Kallo and while she’d gotten to know most of the others via e-mail or in person, she still feared being the thing that was going to make the whole get together feel crampy and weird. They wanted to unwind one last time before tackling the big bad. Now that Jaal had recovered (and he kept insisting that it was her reading him fairy tales that had made him well again within days) and the Tempest had been stocked up and updated as well as was possible. It was one last thing to do together as a crew and Sara didn’t see how she fit into this equation.

It turned out she needn’t have worried, as it so often was the case.

When she came in, she was greeted by all of them with Kallo introducing himself and Suvi shoving some kind of snack under her nose that she had apparently made herself. It didn’t taste half bad.

Jaal and Gil were rigging up some angaran mechanism that was supposed to help them feel what they were watching, which intrigued Sara to no end.

Vetra handed her a bowl of popcorn and Sara thanked her profusely for finding the book Jaal had gifted her with. She wasn’t very forthcoming about the how of it, though, preferring to remain mysterious.

When they all settled down to watch, they were strewn haphazardly all over the furniture of the apartment, some of them lounging on the new couch, others on the bed, and Vetra on her chair, hardly ever fidgeting.

Sara and Liam bonded over putting Scott’s and Kallo’s acting skills to shame and Sara decided to let the hang in there comment go once and for all.

Peebee and Drack got drunk, which ended with them cuddling up to each other, Drack’s head on Peebee’s shoulder, starting to snore loudly two thirds through the film.

Sara fell asleep herself and woke up sometime around the end when the main characters were engaged in a dramatic love scene, feeling comfortable and snug. Blearily looking around, she saw Scott and Gil cuddled up on the bed together, still watching. Vetra was nowhere to be seen and Kallo, Suvi, and Liam had migrated to the floor. Lexi was watching them all from the sidelines and Cora smiled at Sara, looking between her and the person beside her, whose shoulder she had fallen asleep against and was still leaning on, both of them sitting on the couch.

She burrowed further into the warmth at her side, realizing that it was Jaal, smelling divine like flowers and citrus, who had thrown an arm around her shoulders and was stroking her upper arm with lazy stokes of his fingers. She pressed a feathery kiss to his throat, earning herself a quiet rumble, before Jaal buried his nose in her hair and inhaled deeply.

As she watched the movie come to an end, she felt a quiet, content happiness spread through her chest. That was something she had been so afraid would never happen to her again. But here between her brother, his friends (her friends) and Jaal, she was at peace.

This was where she belonged in this galaxy.

 

* * *

 

Two days later the time had come. Sara fervently wished she could go with them but the fact remained that she wasn’t part of the crew. Yet.

That was probably the thing that mellowed her out the most. The fact that Scott had taken her to the side yesterday to officially tell her that once this madness was all over he wanted her to officially come with him. Tann had approved and signed the idea. It would happen. She would go out there with her brother and Jaal and Peebee and the others. Explore the galaxy, help some people out.

His words had lit a candle inside her chest that shed light into the dark corners of what had happened to her. It warmed places that had felt frozen for months and months no matter how long she had been up and about. She needed this. Being useful, doing something. All these ruins she would get to explore. All the new tech. This was what she had come here to do. This was what she wanted. And now she didn’t only have her brother by her side but a gaggle of buddies as well. Could a job feel any less like one?

Saying goodbye to all of them wasn’t something ceremonial, at least not to the outside world. Word hadn’t gotten out yet that the Tempest was going to attempt the impossible and flip the Archon off, mainly because they weren’t supposed to do it. None of the Nexus leaders wanted them to go after the Archon, but Scott and the other Pathfinders had decided to screw them and do it anyway. That much she knew.

Sara was here again just as she had been last time. And if she hugged everybody extra hard, even squeezed Liam and Suvi and Kallo for a bit, even though she knew them the least of all of them, it was her business and nobody else’s. No one had any real idea what kind of brain damage the Pathfinder’s sister had anyway, and maybe that angaran friend of hers was rubbing off on her. Everybody knew how angara liked the hugging.

She pressed her face into Scott’s shoulder for a bit, reveling in the feel of his sturdy frame and familiar scent. “You come back to me, okay? No way are you allowed to leave me alone here. And Mom’s waiting, too.”

Scott leaned his cheek against her hair and squeezed back with what felt like all his strength. “You know I can’t promise that. But I promise to do my damndest.”

“Good enough,” Sara said lowly before taking a step back and looking up at him, memorizing the face she already knew so well it might just as well have been her own reflection. This was her brother, the person who had almost always been there for her. She couldn’t lose him. And she would refuse to think about it. Scott was stubborn and Sara was even more so. Together they should be able to muster enough obstinacy to see this through, even if Sara could only send metaphorical good thoughts to him. It would have to be enough.

With one long look at him she let go completely, dragging her fingers down his arm while drawing her hand away. Then she turned around towards the only person she had not said goodbye to yet.

Jaal was loitering nearby, for once not surrounded by his crew, for once without hands all over him. They had all gathered in small groups a bit further off, likely to give Scott and her some privacy. But Jaal, while listening to them and smiling, had angled his body towards her and as if he seemed to feel her gaze on him he turned his beautiful face towards her, features going soft and with a pat on Vetra’s shoulder, he walked away from the others.

Scott shot her a knowing look, winked at her, and then went to join the others, throwing his arms around Gil and Kallo, who seemed to have buried the hatched after all.

Sara took a few steps forwards too and they stopped close to each other, far too close for mere friends. There was hardly any space between them. She could feel the heat exuding from his body.

She nervously licked her lips. “So, this is it, huh?”

He shuffled on his feet a bit, looking unsure and nervous, one hand kneading the flesh between the thumb and forefinger of the other. “Yes. The time has finally come. It’ll be dangerous. But I’m strangely looking forward to it.”

Her eyes traced the movements of his hands and she nodded. “I understand. He has given your people so much grief. It’s time for him to pay.”

“He has given your people grief as well. It will be a victory to all of our people,” he corrected her, making her smile. That was one of the things she liked so much about him. He was always building bridges, trying to establish a we instead of an us and them.

“Don’t get killed, okay?” she told him, voice hard with all the other things she wanted to say but couldn’t. She didn’t want to fall apart here. She didn’t want to think.

“I’ll do my best,” he warmly answered, star bright eyes roaming over her face and hands finally letting go of each other to hang by his side. He opened his mouth but no sound came out. Instead the line of his mouth drew tight and he sighed, as if he didn’t know what to say either.

Sara recognized this. They were doing this dance where they were not sure how to say goodbye to each other. Not because they were so unfamiliar with each other that they weren’t sure what was allowed. Sara totally knew she was allowed a hug. She knew what the safe choice was. But she didn’t want to go with the safe choice anymore. Jaal was off to a mission that was far more dangerous than any of the others he had been on before. Anything could happen. Right now, playing it safe when it came to her feelings for him was not the thing to do. She’d rather go with the unsafe choice that, if it panned out, would be so good. She’d just have to give it a shot, closer her eyes, and hope for the best.

Just as Jaal drew in a breath, maybe to say something else or maybe to simply let it out again, words unsaid between them hanging in the air, Sara took all of her feelings and courage, stepped closer, got on her tiptoes, and bridged the gap between their mouths.

She closed her eyes. It was only proper etiquette when kissing someone.

Jaal let out a small noise, half rumble, half sigh. His lips trembled slightly against hers and she could feel a sudden puff of breath against her cheek. After a small second, he raised his arms, putting one to the small of her back and catching one of her hands with the other, pressing their joined fingers between them to his chest and ducking down a little so that she didn’t have to strain up to him so much.

Sara would have laughed at his unthinking courtesy, hadn’t she been preccupied already. Namely, with the feel of his plush bottom lip and his fine top one against both of hers. The feeling of his mouth so soft and gentle against hers. The emotion that gathered in her chest, getting bigger and more powerful until she felt fit to burst with it. She hadn’t known touching another person like this could feel so inherently right. She wanted to stay here forever, kissing him until there weren’t any days left anymore. And then she wanted to continue doing it.

A small whimper rose in her throat and she lifted her free hand to his cheek, needing to touch him, let him know how cherished he was. How loved. Hoping that one wispy touch, so tender as if his cheek would crumble under her fingers, but yet strong enough for him to feel it, would tell him what she couldn’t with bioelectricity.

Jaal made a noise like she had hurt him, like he was going to break under her ministrations, but the pressure of his hand on her back increased, drawing her so close nothing could have fit between them. A tingle, much more forceful and wild than the one he sent her before emanated from his hand on her lower back. He wasn’t holding back anymore. She could feel it spread and she knew it was a stupid fancy, but it felt like it went directly to her heart.

Sara let out a needy sound and kissed him harder, faster, finally closer to understanding what he had wanted to show her back in the cultural center. This time, able to discern the undercurrent of need and want and now in what he was sending her. The desperation to be close and even though they were touching as much as they could with their clothes on and in public, knowing it was not enough, never enough.

Her breath came in short puffs through her nose as she finally touched her tongue to his a rougher one and the touch sparked another tremble in her that wandered down her body to the place between her legs. Jaal squeezed her hand harder, but still managed to be gentle about it somehow. This dichotomy between tenderness and power was what was so intriguing about him. That even though he let you know he was there, he also showed you that he would take care of you, now that you were his.

Sara’s hand wandered away from his face and up to his head, caressing one of the purple grooves on the back of it and Jaal made a sound of pleasure, before wrenching his mouth away from her.

Sara slowly opened her eyes, feeling dizzy and new. They looked into each other’s faces, both saying nothing, gaze simply wandering over the features of the other. Sara took pleasure in seeing him like this. His eyes were full of light, lines around them drawn as if he was smiling, but mouth still soft and pliant and shiny from their kiss. She ducked forward, unable to help herself, and pressed another one against them, lingering for a bit, before drawing back again. Before looking again.

Jaal’s thumb caressed the back of her hand that still rested against his chest, warm tingles spreading from his touch that caused pleasant shivers to run through her body.

“Please come back to me, dearest,” she whispered, using his word, so that he would know she meant it and how much.

Jaal smiled the close-mouthed smile she loved so much. He took both of her hands and raised them towards his lips, where he kissed the backs of her fingers. “I’ll do my best,” he repeated. “Darling one.”

 

* * *

 

Some days later Sara was standing in her quarters still thinking fondly of what happened and wondering when it all would be done and over with.

And that was, of course, when the Archon decided to kidnap her.

Well … shit.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> You guys were so awesome again! Your comments made me laugh and cry and feel all the things!
> 
> This is the end of part 2 of the series. I'm not sure when part 3 will be out yet because I suddenly have a shitton of stuff to do for uni again. 
> 
> Beta'd by FourDirtyPaws <3
> 
> Next time witness: Some trauma. Some cutness. Sex, definitely. ;)
> 
> Again, if you want to hit me up on tumblr, I'm laughing-lady-of-the-skies there :)


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